Just Dance
by weirdocaitlin
Summary: Bella, a star dancer at Juilliard, thinks she knows exactly what she wants to do with her life. But after meeting Edward, a pianist attending Juilliard, her Judgement is clouded by questions of love and passion. Where will they go?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is the first chapter of a story that is slowly but surely starting to develop in my head. Please review and tell me if you like the general idea. This is a topic I hold dear to my heart, and hope it portrays well enough in the story. Read and Review!**

**Just Dance Chapter One**

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New York City is one of the greatest places for opportunities in the world. The city is so individualistic, so full of life and energy; it just rubs off on you. I couldn't tell you how many times Renee told me to go to Arizona State, and how many times Charlie tried to convince me that University of Washington was the way to go. When I received my acceptance letter to Juilliard School of Dance, I disregarded both of my parents and pursued my dream, moving to New York.

Dancing has been my passion ever since I was little and Renee started me in ballet lessons. Over the years, I acquired a passion for jazz, dance team, and hip hop. All I ever wanted to do in life is dance. My freshman year of high school, I made captain of the varsity dance team. They put my name in the school records because never before had a freshman made it onto the dance team…nonetheless make it to be captain. My passion for dance and music kept me happy through my lonely years of school, but I hoped to expand my social network by broadening my horizons in the Big Apple.

By my sophomore year, ballets from across the globe wanted me. Even though I'm now a senior, I can't decide. They've been bugging me for answers, but I can't give them one yet. Part of me wanted to dance with a famous ballet, but the other part of me wanted to share my love for dance with kids and open up my own studio. Sitting at my desk, I stared at the letters from the Russian Ballet, the New York City Ballet, and several facilities I could rent for studios.

My cell phone rang. I let it ring a couple of times (too busy staring at my options) before I finally picked up the phone and looked at the ID. Oh, God.

I flipped it open. "Hello?" I said, hesitantly.

"Hey Bella! It's Mike," his annoying, peppy voice didn't change over the phone. He has been chasing after me since my freshman year. The guy couldn't take a hint. I'm married to dance. Guys are just distractions from my goals in life.

"Hey Mike. What's up?" I said not-so-enthusiastically. My monotonous tone didn't affect him at all.

"So did you figure out what role you were going to be in the show?" He sounded oddly excited. Goosebumps began to creep over my skin at the ideology behind his words.

"Yes. I'm Juliet." The department decided to do a classic this semester: Romeo and Juliet. But because the situation I felt myself sinking into, I might want to switch parts with Lauren and be the evil mother instead…even though I don't perform the evil roles that well.

"You'll never guess what role I got." He sounded so smug. He thinks I'm a total moron. Everyone saw the list…only he was out "sick" that day (*cough* hung over *cough*), so he was the only one who didn't see the cast list. Unlike most of the girls at the school, I look through the entire list instead of just looking at my own name.

"Just as a wild conjecture, I'm going to say that you got Romeo." I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. This is just the kind of motivation Mike needs to stalk me again.

"You bet! So I guess that means we will be working together," he sounded too happy in my opinion.

"I guess so. Well, I have a bunch of dance history homework in front of me that is calling to get done, so I have to hang up now." I hated talking with Newton.

"Oh, Stevenson's class? He doesn't check the homework. Why bother doing it?" The guy was a great dancer, sad to admit, but he was a serious slacker. Performance was the only As he got in his classes. He doesn't understand that people like me enjoy not only performing dance, but studying it too. Also, you don't just magically have the answers to the tests in your brain.

"I know, but, I really have to go. Bye." I shut the phone and shut it off, throwing it onto the bed. I already finished my homework for the weekend last night, so I put away the letters and the pictures of facilities and decided to take a break. Picking up my dance bag, I grabbed my iPod and left for the dance studio.

When I walked outside my dorm room, I saw a freshman girl making out with one of the junior boys. The unfortunate part of living in a dorm with both guys and girls is running into such sights. I passed the floor's commons and got into an elevator, closing the door as soon as I was in. On the ride down, I put the iPod in my ears and started listening to some dance music.

The cold New York wind welcomed me when I stepped outside the dorm. No, I didn't like the fact that I didn't own any means of transport, but I wasn't ashamed that I couldn't afford it. Hard work goes a long way in life, and being raised on a teacher's salary and switching to a policeman's salary your junior year of high school, you learn the value of the dollar. My sweat pants and thick winter coat protected me from most of the cold, but my hair, still in a sloppy pony-tail, whipped with the wind, making my entire head feel cold.

Nearly four blocks of walking and I finally made it to the dance hall. When I first got here, I had never seen anything more beautiful than the performance hall here. Juilliard obviously put a lot of money and effort into making their theatres look beautiful. I walked past the theatre and opened up one of the unoccupied rehearsal rooms. I sat down next to the bar and put on my jazz shoes. Normally, I chose ballet over jazz, but I really needed something to excite me. I feel so bored.

After my jazz shoes were on, I adjusted my pony-tail and slipped off my winter coat and sweat pants, revealing my jazz capris and my favorite Anberlin t-shirt. I took the iPod out of my ears and plugged it into the stereo, clicking on my "Jazz" playlist. When I hit "play," Jennifer Lopez's "Let's Get Loud" filled the room. A good warm-up song to get me a little amped.

I faced the mirror and started dancing to the music, making sure my arms looked strong, but graceful at the same time, that my toes pointed, and that my body moved fluidly. Every muscle in my body seemed to wake up and allowed me to bend and sway. Years of dance study allowed me to create dances on the spot without repeating the same moves over and over again. A mixture of Calypsos, Fuentes, pirouettes, kicks, and leaps decorated the routine.

After the playlist ended, I switched to pointe. The music sounded calming, and it's just what I needed to have a clear mind to make all these decisions by the end of the year…or sooner. Swan Lake swam in my ears and practiced one of my old routines. Swan Lake was my first ever performance where I was the prima ballerina. Renee was so proud of me, and I loved being in the center of the stage and performing an original routine, doing something different from the rest of the girls on stage. Yes, the routine was a bit amateur, but it still contained grace. Unlike most of the girls, my pointe shoes were black. Pink didn't really look good on me. After the costume designers took in my measurements, they came back with deep reds, blues, and passionate colors, but never pink. They told me my passion for dancing couldn't be described with such an average color.

On one of my turns, I saw a face at the door. I stopped dancing. The face at the door could only be described as undeniably beautiful. His eyes were so green, his hair the color of bronze, and his sharp cheek bones made him look older than he probably was. His pale skin was illuminated by the lights, resembling mine. When I began to walk towards the door, he walked away.

I quickly ran to the door and opened it. He was still walking down the hall.

"Hey," I called out. He turned around. His body looked so lean and graceful. For a split second, I wondered if he danced. His eyebrows went up. "Come here." He started walking back towards me.

Never before have I done this. I don't know what possessed me to call him back, but something inside me told me to. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't just let it pass and pretend that it never happened. Drawing attention to myself off stage is not something I like to do. Dance is life and priority, social life is non-existent.

He smiled for me when he walked up. "I'm sorry," he said right away. "I was just looking for my sister and instead I found you." He looked a little embarrassed.

I folded my arms across my chest and smiled. "Well, part of me is glad my dancing catches attention. The other part is thinking, 'why the hell is someone staring at me through a window'. So I guess I should ask if you like what you saw." Normally, I don't talk this much either.

"I loved what I saw," he said without hesitation. "You are a very talented dancer."

I looked over his body again. "Do you dance?" I asked.

He laughed. It was one of the most enchanting sounds I ever heard. His melodious tone, not too loud, rang in my head long after he stopped. "No. I know the basics of ballroom, thanks to my mother, but I'm more of a musician myself." His body seemed to relax at the familiar topic.

We shared an interest. Though, most people who attend Juilliard have one similar interest: the arts. "Oh, what instrument do you play?"

He showed me his hands. His long, slender fingers explained themselves. "As you can probably tell, I play the piano."

Because piano is such a popular instrument to play, it's very difficult to get into Juilliard because so many people think they have mastered the instrument enough to get in. The admission committee is brutal towards the people who admit their audition tapes. Those hawks scrutinize everything. I should know; they do the exact same thing for dance. So when you get accepted for playing the piano, you've got to be good. "You must be pretty amazing then." I commented.

He looked at me with admiration. "I'm not as good at piano as you are at dancing." I blushed. I received many compliments for my dancing, but for some reason, hearing it from such a handsome guy affected me a little more.

I felt a little tension. "So you said you were looking for your sister. Who is she?" I thought of all the people that might look similar to him. In all my classes, I don't think I've seen anyone like him.

"Her name is Alice, Alice Cullen." He said, running a frustrated hand through his hair. I understood why. I laughed and he grinned sarcastically at me. "Obviously you know her."

Who didn't in the dance department? That girl was the life of every party. We all called her Pixie for her size and her sense of style. She looked so tiny, barely four-ten, but she could dance. I was a little surprised when she didn't get the part of Juliet for the performance. She looked the part.

"Yes," I said, sobering up a little bit. "But I don't know your name." I stuck my hand out. "Bella Swan." He took my hand in his. I did not expect to feel a shock go through my entire body, and I certainly did not expect to enjoy it as much as I did.

"Edward Cullen." I noticed he didn't let go of my hand. We stared at each other in the eye, not feeling the least bit uncomfortable. He reluctantly pulled his hand away. "What year are you?"

"I'm a senior." He looked a little shocked. I couldn't fathom why. I chuckled. "Why do you look so shocked?" He smiled crookedly. My heart did a little pitter-patter.

He looked at me in the eye again. "You just don't look like a senior. How old are you?" His eyes were filled with interest. Nobody had ever really taken an interest in _me_. Mostly, they just talked about my dancing.

"Don't you know it's rude to ask a woman's age?" He blushed and scratched his head. I laughed. "I'm just pulling your leg. I just turned twenty-two."

He smiled. "I'm twenty-two," he informed me.

"Ah, so you're a senior, too?" He didn't look like a senior either…maybe a senior in high school.

He nodded. "Yes."

Our talk was interrupted by a high pitched, "Edward!" Alice, in her black leotard, pink tights and skirt, and ballet shoes, started running towards us. She stopped before colliding into Edward and smiled up at us. "Bella," she smiled and waved. "I see you've met my brother."

I smiled. "Yeah. He came looking for you but found me instead." She giggled. Something hit me. "Wait, aren't you a senior, Alice?" She nodded. I looked back and forth between the two siblings. They looked nothing alike. They seemed to understand the confusion.

"Our parents adopted us when we were very young. Both of my parents died of cancer and hers went to the psych ward." He said it so conversationally. You'd think that people who were remotely associated with those kinds of people would feel a little sensitive about it.

"Wow," my genius response, "that's deep." They both laughed.

Alice waved it off. "We were both too young to remember. Carlisle and Esme are the only parents we've known." She got off topic right away. "Congratulations on getting the lead part, by the way." She smiled a genuine smile.

I blushed a little when Edward widened his eyes and looked at me. "Thanks," I said meekly.

Understanding flashed in his eyes. "Oh, so you're the prima ballerina that's been reigning for the past four years."

He didn't need to put it that way. "Well, I've gotten most of the parts, but a lot of other girls get a chance too. There is equal opportunity for everyone."

Alice scoffed and Edward and I looked at her. She explained. "Bella is modest Edward. She is probably the best dancer here, that's why she keeps getting the parts. She's the only dancer on a scholarship with a four point oh grade point average. Not only can she dance, but she's a genius, too." Why does everyone glorify me?

I shook my head when Edward turned to me in surprise. "No, I just like to study dance. If you think I spend hours in my room just studying to get an A on the next test, then you're wrong." I spend most of my time cooped up in there trying to make a life decision.

He smiled to himself. "Alright, whatever you say. So I guess that means you are just naturally brilliant, huh?"

"No! I just do the homework like we're supposed to. A lot of kids think that just because teachers don't check the homework, it means we don't have to do it." I'm not a genius. If you want a genius, go Google a picture of Albert Einstein. I hate how this discussion is all about me.

Alice rolled her eyes. I glared at her to send her a message saying, "shut the hell up." She got the message. She moved onto Edward. "So, what do you need Edward?" She asked. It took him a second before he could tear his gaze away from me. She looked at him expectantly for an answer.

"Oh, um," he struggled to collect his thoughts. "Mom and Dad wanted to have dinner with us tonight. They wanted me to pick you up." He glanced at his watch. "And we have about an hour and a half before Mom puts the food on the table. So are you coming?" She nodded.

"Yeah, let me just go get my stuff in the other room." I started to turn around and leave, knowing it was time for me to get back to dancing. Alice called after me before I could open the door. "Hey, I'll see you later, right?" She looked so hopeful with her wide eyes.

I laughed. "Sure. I'll see you on Monday. You have Ms. Graham for modern four right?" She nodded. "Okay, so I'll see you then." She waved bye.

"I'll see you later Bella," Edward said as he passed.

"See you," I called back. I certainly hoped I would. When I walked back into the room and turned the music back on, I felt a sudden clarity of mind. My moves became more fluid, more confident, like I knew exactly what I was going to do next. One of my Nutcracker suites came on and I calypsoed across the floor, having the time of my life.

Everything seemed so clear. It's almost as if talking to Edward really allowed me to think clearly. I packed up my things, and left the classroom. All the way back to my dorm room, I smiled. I wondered how I could've spent so many hours, just staring at those sheets of paper, wondering what in the world I was going to do with my life. The answered seemed so simple now. For some reason, I couldn't come up with an excuse for pondering so long on what one thing I wanted to do with my life. All of a sudden, a myriad of opportunities opened in front of me.

On instant, I entered my dorm room and dug out my invitations with numbers and addresses. Picking up my cell phone, I dialed the given number. The phone rang three times.

"Hello, this is Ballet Master in Chief Peter Martins, how may I help you?" His deep voice seemed calm and compelling.

"Hello. My name is Bella Swan. I received an invitation to join your company after I graduate from Juilliard, and I am just calling to confirm the invitation." There was dead silence on the other line. "Mr. Martins?" I asked tentatively.

"Oh!" He chuckled. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little shocked. This is wonderful! I've been meaning to talk to you Miss Swan, but I never got the chance. So you would like to come and dance with our ballet when you finish school?" He seemed overjoyed to hear my decision. "I heard of news that you also received an invitation from the Russian Ballet. I'm just the slightest bit surprised you chose us!"

"Well, I decided that I need to have roots near home, so I decided the prestigious New York Ballet would be my best choice. It's the right choice for me." I affirmed him.

He sighed with relief. "I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to hear you say that. We would love to have you in our company. We don't have to discuss any of the details right now that can wait for the spring since you aren't even with us until summer."

I tossed the Russian Ballet invitation back into my drawer. "I appreciate that you are letting me complete my education Mr. Martins."

"Oh, no problem," he assured me. "We want our dancers to learn as much about dance as they can before coming to dance with us. So, we will be hearing from you in the spring?"

"Without a doubt," I said confidently.

"Wonderful. Okay, well we will keep in touch. Thank you very much for choosing us. It really is an honor having you with us." I didn't understand what was so special about me that everyone wanted.

"Au contraire, Mr. Martins, it is an honor to dance with you and your company. Thank you." It amazed me how sure I seemed of myself. If you asked me two hours ago what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. Now, I can tell you my plan for the next five years.

"No, thank you. Goodbye Miss Swan."

"Goodbye." I shut the phone and breathed. I could see my entire life planned out in front of me. Two years of dancing with the New York Ballet and I'd have enough money saved to open up my own dance studio. Two years of dancing with them and I'd have my take on the professional dancing world. After I'm done, I'd open up my own studio and share my passion for dance. I couldn't think of a better way to live life than to spend it doing something you absolutely love to do. What else would I need besides my dance shoes and my costumes?

My "Yellow" by Coldplay ringtone interrupted my daydreaming. Checking the caller ID, my mood died.

"Hello?" I answered casually. I didn't know what to expect out of this conversation.

"Bella, sweetie!" My mother cooed. "How are you?" She had been trying to call me a couple of times these past few months, but I usually ignored the phone calls because they were just a diatribe on how I need to go back home and be with family. The last one I took she wanted me to go to school in Phoenix to become a writer. I started laughing.

"I'm actually doing great. I just confirmed with the New York Ballet that I'd be dancing with them after I graduate." I knew the news would be a downer on her peppy mood, but she needed to accept the fact that this is what I will be doing for the rest of my life.

She seemed to be in shock. "Th-That's great, Bella!" She didn't sound too sincere. "Don't you want to take a break; you know, come home and see family?"

I felt bad for ignoring my mother for all my years in college, and after leaving her to live with my dad in Forks, Washington, but she always wants to shelter me and keep me caged up. She never understood that I hate feeling like I'm in a cage. Dancing and Renee never seemed to come in the same sentence, unless it was, "Oh my goodness! Did you hear? Renee's daughter is the prima ballerina dancing at Juilliard!" I got that one last time I visited her in Phoenix over a year ago.

Since I'm not good at lying, I told her the truth. "Mom, they want me there as soon as I'm out of school. I'll send you tickets if you want to come and see me, but I have no intentions of leaving New York anytime soon." She grew silent.

"Bella," I knew that tone. Mentally preparing myself for The Speech, I pressed play on my iHome and listened to more Coldplay and lay back on my twin bed. Here it goes. "I don't understand why you'd abandon your family like this!" She sounded flustered like always. "Neither Charlie or I have seen you in over a year because you want to dance. We've made a lot of sacrifices so that you could move to New York and dance at Juilliard. You've done that. So don't you think you could make a sacrifice and come and see your poor parents?" She's going to try the guilt trip. "You've done what you wanted, now come home."

As always, I answered, "No. Mom, I refuse to restrict myself from becoming a better dancer. I've come this far, and I don't plan on stopping until I feel I've reached my limit and feel that I'm done. Even if you tell me I'm done, I'm not done until I say so." My angry tone employed that I would not take any demands from her. A long time ago, I established that dancing is my passion, and that neither heaven nor hell could prevent me from doing that. "It's about time you accepted that. As always, I will send you tickets. I'll talk to you later." I shut the phone.

I closed my eyes and ran through everything.

My name is Isabella Marie Swan. I prefer Bella. I am the daughter of Renee Dwyer and Charlie Swan. At the age of six I started dance classes in Phoenix and fell in love. When my mother got remarried the year I turned seventeen, my dancing sunk to the bottom of her list of priorities. Instead of fighting with my mother, I moved to Forks, Washington to live with my father. He supported me a lot more than Renee did, and encouraged that I chased after my dreams. He didn't expect me to chase them as far as New York. He tried to convince me elsewhere, but I knew Juilliard was the only place for me. For three years I studied the art of dance and excelled in all my classes. All that mattered was that I was learning more and more about what I loved more than anything in the world. My freshman year, I became prima ballerina for Shakespeare's _A Midsummer Night's Dream_ and received attention from minor dance companies. My sophomore and Junior year is when I got bigger. So here I am, my senior year, I left my parents to achieve what I wanted in life, and dancing with the New York Ballet next summer.

Sometimes, life is too good.

**A/N: So? Yay or Nay?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello, readers. This is the second installation of Just Dance. Beware of major flirtation. Anyways, keep the reviews coming! Reviews really get me into gear and my creative juices flowing. They are the fuel to my stories. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 2**

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"Five, six, seven and eight, and one, two, three, four, five, six and seven, eight. Very good," Mr. Perron complimented the class. He folded his arms across his chest and crossed the room towards me. He stopped in front of me. Pointing to the center of the room, he said, "Miss Swan, please demonstrate to the class how to do a proper assemble en tournant grande. It seems that some of us have forgotten the very basics of it. Just because this move is simple, it does not mean that you can make it sloppy. Please," he gestured towards me.

Assemble's came as easily to me as degeges. As told, I sacheyed at a diagonal, jumped, turned, and landed in fifth. Mr. Perron, in his thick French accent, said, "See, ladies, point those toes! Don't be lazy! Point those toes. Now run the first eight-count again." I made my way back to my spot. I stood in the center, waiting for the second count.

The strange thing is about dance, I don't care if I'm the center of attention. I'm so confident enough in my abilities that public attention doesn't occur to me. If you put me in a crowd of people, I'd be the most uncomfortable person there. Put me on a stage with a thousand people watching, and I'm fine. As long as I don't need to talk, I will not have to worry about my social anxiety.

After class, Mr. Perron called my name. "Miss Swan, please stay after class for a moment." Cautious and a little suspicious, I put my dance bag over my shoulder and walked towards Mr. Perron. He held a few sheets of paper in his hand.

"Is something wrong Mr. Perron?" I asked.

He looked up. "Oh, no, Miss Swan," he assured. "I just have a few questions and an assignment for you." I adjusted my weight to the other leg uncomfortably. He handed me one of the sheets in his hand. I slowly took it. He handed me a list of names.

"What is this?" I asked. Alice Cullen's name was at the top of the list of twenty names. I looked back at him.

"That is the list of people who are going to be in the showcase before winter break." He sounded so nonchalant about it. He looked up from the other two papers that seemed to take up much of his focus. "I'm sure you are very aware of your popularity amongst your instructors and your excellent dance technique," I just smiled and blushed. "Well, we recently received news that you will be leaving us for the New York Ballet at the end of the year."

My suspicion grew. "And how did you know about that?" I asked very carefully.

"Chief of Ballet loves to brag about his new acquirements." He waved his hand dismissively. "Anyways, Ms. Shaw, Mr. Myers, Mr. Brown, and myself, would like to see you put together this showcase." He waited for my response.

I felt completely shocked. "You…what?"

He smiled. "We would be honored if you would put together this showcase, Miss Swan." The biggest smile cracked on my face.

It took all my self restraint to refrain from hugging him. "I would be honored, Mr. Perron." I said honestly and a little breathlessly.

"Well, to give a little description, we would like it to be a modern showcase. We will give you freedom to choose the music as long as it's new. We don't want classical, we want to see what you can put together. Lyrics are permitted. The five requirements are that you have ballet, jazz, modern, hip hop, and lyrical dance routines. We know that you've specialized in ballet, and we are here to offer you guidance if you need any in the other areas. Solos for each area are encouraged to introduce the upcoming generation of dance.

I've talked with most of your instructors and teachers, and they've agreed to lighten the work load on you so you can focus on the school dance and your showcase. All the dancers on your list have been notified about the showcase, and all you have to do is give them a date to start rehearsing. Do you have any other questions?" It was so much to take in, but I absorbed every bit of it like a sponge.

Creative juices were already flowing in my head. "Yes. Could I also incorporate the orchestra, here at the school, to the showcase?" I had a brilliant idea. "The new generation of art doesn't limit to only dance, but there are also some brilliant musicians that just need a chance. I want to give them that chance. If we incorporate a little of everything, I think it would really create a sense of unity in the school. We could have the art majors create backgrounds and props, for solos, we could have modern music coming from our school's very own. If the dancers choose, they could also pick a song with lyrics, but I strongly believe that we should have the option."

Mr. Perron had the biggest smile on his face. "You were the right choice for this assignment." He began to walk away. "Miss Swan, I give you complete free reign over this project. You are dismissed." He walked back towards his office.

"Merci Monsier Perron," I understood that he felt more comfortable speaking in French, and felt that I should thank him. Because I dreamed of training in France for ballet, I became fluent in French by the time I got out of high school.

On my way out, I just barely heard him, "Bonne chance." _Good luck._

I closed the classroom door behind me, took a deep breath, and did the smallest happy dance I could muster. Earning a few stares, I walked towards my dance history class.

After rehearsals with Mike, I stayed after with my notebook, pen, and laptop and began to work on my masterpiece. First on my list of things-to-do: music. Almost obsessively, I sorted through my music library and started brainstorming ideas. Ideas sprung to my head, but some songs were more like jokes, fun, but still jokes. I kept a very mature choice of music. What must have been over an hour later, I finally finished my list. I stood up, turned on the jazz song I chose for the group and started choreographing. The song sounded so beautiful. I could imagine myself dancing at my wedding to this.

A long time ago, my mother told me that if I ever got a husband one day, then I'd have to stop dancing and take care of him. My response made her laugh: "Then I won't get a husband. I'll be married to dance." I still lived up to it.

After writing a few notes on formation and positions, I got a little more into it. For once in my life, I let myself get carried away. All I could feel around me was the music and my movements. I got through the entire song. I would've written down the routine, except my dance was more of a solo than anything that could be done with a group.

Clapping sounded the room. My head jerked in the direction of the door. Standing there, all six lean, gorgeous feet of him, was Edward Cullen. He flipped his disheveled bronze hair out of his face and walked towards me slowly.

"You _would _be here at seven at night dancing," his emerald eyes sparkled in amusement. I smiled flirtatiously. "That was amazing," he added sincerely. "Want to show me anything else?"

I folded my arms across my chest, which thumped with the rapid beating of my heart. "What do you want to see?" I asked. A crooked smile broke across his face.

"I would like to see some things that probably aren't appropriate for this classroom." I blushed a little.

Not wanted to go down that track, I altered the track. "How about something that's restricted to the music on my playlist and some dancing?" I avoided his gaze and turned back to sit on the floor in front of my laptop.

Edward sat down across from me. "So I hear that my sister Alice is going to be in your showcase," he said, pulling something out of his messenger bag. He pulled out a few Tupperware containers filled with food.

I kept my eyes on the screen. "I saw her name on the list, but I didn't find out about the assignment until today. I figured I should at least get the music picked out since I only have four months to plan an entire showcase." I ran a hand through my hair. They all knew about this before me.

"Don't worry," Edward said, his mouth full of something that smelled amazing, "you're amazing enough to pull it off." I looked up and smiled at him.

"Thanks," I said a little bashful. "So what are you doing here again?" I shut my laptop down, realizing it was getting pretty late. "You keep saying you are here for piano, but I'm not so convinced anymore." I snickered.

He gave me a sarcastic "ha ha" face. "My sister was supposed to join me for dinner, but she ditched to go out with her friend Rosalie. Personally, I don't really like Rosalie." Rosalie…Rosalie…why did that name sound so familiar?

"That's too bad. So you guys were going to eat out of Tupperware containers?" I eyed his container of pasta he was munching on speculatively.

He shook his head and swallowed. "No. This was supposed to be my lunch, but I never got around to it." He observed me carefully for a moment. "Would you be my pity pal and join me for dinner?" He looked so innocent. I laughed at the puppy dog expression on his face.

"How could I deny such a face?" I said in a very motherly tone. He laughed and began putting away his food. I packed up my laptop and dance shoes. Edward held my winter coat next to the door. He helped me slip it on. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I shut down the lights and we walked out together.

The brisk, fall, New York air hit me full force when we walked outside and started walking. When Edward brushed against me, the chill went away and my body burned where he touched me. Feeling a little awkward in the silence, I started the conversation for once.

"So do you have any other siblings besides Alice?" I asked. I didn't really know Alice that well, but she was nice enough towards me. Edward kept his eyes in front of him.

"Yes, I have an older brother, Emmett. He's a personal trainer. We don't see him often, but if Rosalie asked him to come, he'd stop everything and come." He snickered. "He's a lovesick fool."

"So he's dating Rosalie?" I asked curiously.

He shook his head seriously. "No. He's her fiancé." My mouth dropped. He looked at me and smiled. "He has been convinced that's she's the one since high school. They've been engaged for over a year now. They both agreed to wait until Rosalie graduates."

Her name again. "What's her last name?"

"Hale. Rosalie Hale." I stopped in my tracks. Edward noticed I wasn't following him anymore. "Do you know her?" He asked. Did I know her?

"She hates my guts!" I exclaimed. "She's hated me since our entrance auditions." She scared the bujeezes out of me. I would never say that to him, because he might relay the message.

He walked back and took one of my arms. "Well, you can explain the rest when we get to the restaurant. I don't think you want to stand out here in the autumn weather for too long." I gave in and let him guide me to the restaurant.

He took me to this little coffee shop on the corner of campus. I order hot cinnamon spice tea with a sub sandwich. We sat down together and just enjoyed each other's company. Being with Edward felt so easy. He didn't stare or anything, just a couple of glances now and then. When we finished, he brought the Rosalie issue to the surface again.

"So what's this deal with Rosalie? Don't feel bad, she doesn't like me either." He smiled at some inside joke.

I took a deep breath. "Long story, short, I got a lot of mouths dropping at my audition and she got critiqued. She hates me for it. I'm not going to pretend like I know exactly what she thought transacted at that audition, but I can tell you that she hates me for it. Seriously, she walked up to me after her audition and said, 'if you think you can be prima ballerina without any effort, you are sorely mistaken. That spot is mine.' I've dealt with worse girls who have stolen my pointe shoes, destroyed them, done terrible things to my costumes, but I never really let it affect me. I could go out there with my practice outfit on and still put on a show. All I wanted to do was dance, but…damn, Rosalie scared the living shit out of me." I shivered at the memory.

Edward looked a little angry and frustrated. "She can be a real bitch sometimes," he said, taking a deep breath to calm himself, "but she really loves my brother. And since he's happy, I can tolerate her." I smiled at that.

"It must be nice to have someone like that." I felt like being bold tonight. "Do you have anyone?" I asked. He smiled a bit.

"No," he said. For a second I felt stunned. How could someone so perfect not have anyone? "Alice has Jasper. I don't know what's up with those two, but I swear, those two were meant to be." He obviously didn't like talking about himself. He took a sip of his coffee. "What about you?"

I shook my head. "Nah. I have dance. As long as I have dance, then I don't need anybody." Edward speculated me for a moment. He seemed to be wondering if I was telling the truth…or wondering if, even I didn't know it, I really needed someone. "When I was little, I told my mom that I was already married to dance." That made Edward laugh.

"That doesn't surprise me." He said. "But I think you're actually really lonely."

I ignore the pang of recognition in the pit of my stomach and forced a smile. "Really, what makes you think that?" I folded my arms across my chest and waited for his answer.

He mirrored my actions. His eyes narrowed. "You don't talk to anybody besides your instructors and you are at the dance studio until absurd hours dancing by yourself for fun. I never see you go out with other people, and Alice claims that you don't even talk to anybody in class. All I can wonder is why." He seemed to be expecting an answer.

I gave him a good one. In a low voice, I said, "People come and go, Edward. One day, you are surrounded by people who say they're your friends and family, but they will turn on you. They always do." I shook my head. "In a world that is constantly changing, you need something to root you to the earth. For me, it's dancing. For you, it's probably playing the piano. It's always there for you. Music and dance will always be there for us. A friend is someone who will walk in when the rest of the world walks out. My world walked out a long time ago. Dance welcomed me with open arms." I looked into his eyes with no hesitation. "That's how I determine my friends."

He watched me carefully for a few moments. "You're parents?"

Shaking my head, I said, "Like I said, my world walked out on me a long time ago. That includes my parents." He seemed a little astonished. I explained further. "My mother got remarried, and my dad is married to his job. He's a little more supportive than my mother, but not by much. I haven't seen them in a really long time." Because my personal life was a total buzz kill, I switched perspectives. "So what about your parents? You still in touch with them?"

He nodded. "We have dinner with them once a week up in the Hamptons. To my mother and father, family is very important."

"You are very fortunate." I told him. He nodded in response. I got up and put on my jacket. "Thank you for dinner. It was refreshing, to say the least." I smiled to myself. I couldn't remember the last time I went out with someone. Actually, I could. But I'm not going to even think about it.

"You are more than welcome." He said, getting up as well. "I'll walk you back. Where's your apartment?" He asked. I flushed with embarrassment.

"Um, I don't live in an apartment. I live in the dorms. Since I can't afford to pay for rent, I stay in the dorm." Slipping my bag over my shoulder, I watched his reaction. He didn't seem phased by it. He opened the door for me and walked with me, side-by-side.

"I'm sorry about your parents," Edward said after a few minutes of silence. "I don't think I can imagine life without my parent's support. It must've been tough growing up." He stuck his hands in his pockets.

I shook my head. "No. Dance shaped me into a good person. From dance, I learned to discipline myself and my body. I learned to respect others, and that in order to achieve your goals, you need to work hard and put in one-hundred and ten percent into it. I'm pretty sure if it weren't for dance, I'd be the biggest bitch in the world by now, and I'd sure as hell wouldn't be where I am today…which is exactly where I want to be," I added quietly.

"Are you really happy?" He asked me.

The personal question caught me by surprise. I thought about the question for a few minutes. Edward didn't interrupt. Finally, I answered him. "When I was six, my mother got me a pair of ballet slippers. I swear," I breathed, "it was like she was giving me life. Even though she looked as if she was just thankful that I would be occupied and wouldn't bug her anymore, I was the happiest little girl ever. That was the happiest moment of my entire life. Every time I put on those shoes, it's like living through that moment all over again. I've never found anything else that has made me so happy."

We reached my dorm. We just looked at each other for a few silent moments.

"You are a very passionate person, Bella Swan." He said.

"You are a very perceptive person, Edward Cullen." I responded. "Thank you for tonight, Edward. It was refreshing to talk to someone who would really listen." I felt a little hole in me being filled. His soft smile made me feel something unexplainable.

He dug a pen out of his messenger bag and took my hand. He wrote down his number on the top of my hand and gave it back to me. "Just in case you need someone to listen. Good night." He walked away. I watched him for a few moments before heading to my room.

When I got back to my room, I checked my email. There was one from my mother.

_Bella,_

_Are you coming home for winter break? If not, Phil and I have plans. Make up your mind._

_Mom_

She got to the point. I decided to give my mother some free reign.

_Mom,_

_I don't want to be an inconvenience. If you want to go somewhere with Phil, knock yourself out. Just so you know, I'm putting together a dance showcase that will be performed before winter break. It would mean a lot to me if you could come. I'll send you tickets just in case. Two front row seats are reserved for you. _

_Bella_

I looked at the screen and pressed "send." I loved my mother, but she doesn't love me. Maybe if she saw the real me for once, she'd change her mind.

Figuring I had nothing better to do, I worked a week ahead on my dance history homework and studies. That's the only required credit I haven't gotten yet. Now all I had to do for the next week is dance.

Laying back on my bed, I stared at the top of my hand for what must've been ten minutes before I picked up my cell.

I dialed his number. It rang four times before he answered. "Hello?" His melodious voice answered.

"Hey, I forgot to give you my number," I said. "You got a pen?"

"Yeah," I heard the smile in his voice. "Okay, what is it?"

"214-415-1325." I gave him a few moments. "Got it?"

"Yes. I'll definitely be making use of this number." He said, almost like a warning.

"I hope you will." I told him. He laughed.

"Good night, Bella."

"Good night." I shut my phone.

Edward was a force inside of me that made me feel a little more alive. Every time I thought of him, I thought of how he always smiles at me, how he listens to every word I have to say. The hole I felt fill up earlier made me realize something. I was damaged. I have been beaten and worn down. Edward seemed to be the stitches that sew me up.

A very good and happy feeling inside me told me that this was only the beginning.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Just in case you're wondering why i haven't updated in forever, it's because i became very disheartened at the low review count. I waited for the count to go up, but nothing. I'm thinking of abandoning the story, but I don't really want to. If you would like me to continue, then please review more. I think this could turn into a great, funny, hear-wrenching story if you'd give it a chance. Please review.**

**Chapter 3**

* * *

I turned on my music on the stereo. The hip hop music blasted the room. I decided that, because it's the largest group of routines, hip hop would be the first act. I listen to the music for a full eight count before stepping into motion. I looked in the mirror at myself as I danced. I looked a little strange dancing hip hop in pink tights, jazz shoes, black shorts, and a tank top. Did my butt always look that big?

I pushed the thought aside and continued to choreograph. The music had a good beat, and it was easy to find the count if you lost it. I figured I've already done a lot of work on the ballet, so I needed to move on. Hip hop was my worst element, so I put forth ten times as much effort. The movements seemed so forced to me, but as long as they looked fluid, I was fine.

After getting a minute's worth of choreography done, I decided to work on one of my solos. I turned on my modern dance music and thought through a routine in the first few counts. I dreamed of dancing to this song ever since I heard it. Ever since this opportunity showed up, it's been my secret project. At least, it was secret until Edward walked in during the middle of it.

He waved to me and I casted him an annoyed glance while finishing off my dance. He made himself comfortable by sitting down and leaning up against the mirrors. He watched me as I danced, making me a little self conscious. Did I look disproportional? Is it weird that someone could dance so well while looking so strange and foreign? I pushed the thought aside long enough to finish the dance.

After I finished, I walked over to the stereo to turn it off, then joined Edward against the mirrors.

"Fancy meeting you in a place like this," I greeted.

"Fancy that," we looked at each other for a moment before cracking up.

"Okay, seriously, what are you doing here again? Are you thinking of converting?" I snickered at the quip. "Or is Alice forcing you to critique her?" He handed me a bottle of water. "Thanks." After a gulp, I asked, "so?"

He shrugged. "Just because. I guess I just wanted a good show and didn't want to pay for it." I elbowed him and he laughed. "That or," he turned his head to look at me, "I just wanted to see you again." I blushed a violent red. He sighed. "Ah, the blush on your cheeks is lovely." We both looked at each other, and some kind of tension passed between us.

"Where's Alice tonight?" I asked, breaking the sudden tension that seemed to grow the longer the silence.

He shrugged nonchalantly. "She's out with her boyfriend, Jasper. He plays guitar and bass. I see him occasionally. Nice guy." He kept nodding. I gave him a gentle shove.

"'Nice' my ass. You probably have hit-men watching his every move."

He gave me a smirk. "You'll never know."

I smirked back. "I bet you I could." My flirtatious and seductive ways seemed to be getting the best of me with Edward around.

He looked at me with mock surprise. "Really? And how do you plan to accomplish that?"

"It'll have to wait for another time." I brushed back some hair that had fallen loose from my pony-tail.

Edward took a gulp of water and looked at me again. "I like the sound of that."

Confused, I asked, "Like the sound of what?" I sounded cautious.

"Another time." He got up and put his backpack back on. "Are you hungry? We could go grab a bite to eat, relax, and watch T.V, typical Thursday night."

Looking back in the mirror, I thought twice about the food. "I'll go for some hot tea," I agreed. "Back at your place?" He said T.V.

"Yeah, I live in an apartment just off campus." I collected my laptop and dance shoes, putting them in my small bag. "I hope you don't mind motorcycles." I breathed a sigh of relief. I don't do cars.

"No, I don't mind at all. Actually, I prefer motorcycles above cars. Those things scare the living daylights out of me." I shook at the mere thought of getting into a car. "Unless you just happen to have a convertible, then I'm okay." I stood up and walked towards the door. Edward was smirking. "What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing." He escorted me out of the room.

Walking alongside him down the corridor, I told him, "You are so strange sometimes." We walked outside the facility and, low and behold, there sat a silver crotch rocket. "Nice."

He walked over and tossed me his helmet…I nearly dropped it. "Why thank you." He tossed his leg over the seat and started the bike. Over the motor, he called to me, "Coming?"

Taking a deep breath, I put on the helmet and sat right behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. My arms fit so perfectly around him, almost like puzzle pieces. When he took off, it only seemed natural for me to rest my head against his back. Things seemed to pass at the speed of light as we weaved in and out of traffic. Until we stopped, I didn't realize my eyes were closed.

"We're here," he announced. I pulled off the helmet and my mouth nearly dropped at the sight of the complex. The building stood several stories high, with gray stone decorating its exterior. Elegant arched windows went around the entire building. When my eyes returned to ground level, I saw a doorman dressed in a red suit with a black hat. Slowly, I put the helmet down on the bike and Edward took my hand, seeming to understand the shock I was in.

"Wow," I breathed. "This place is a lot nicer than my dorm," I joked.

We walked pass the doorman and entered the marble lobby. It wasn't huge, but still large. Two elevators mirrored each other on opposite walls.

"By the way, I don't really approve of you living in the dorm." We walked into the elevator.

I scowled at him. "You don't have to. Plus, I don't really have any other option. I'm living off of scholarship money, and it isn't exactly that much, just enough to be able to afford meals and a few drinks now and then. I don't have anywhere near enough money to afford even the most basic apartment." Edward pressed the button for the top floor.

"I remember my freshman year in the dorms; it's not exactly safe." He frowned at some memory he probably wasn't going to speak of.

"In my four years, I have never once encountered any safety issues. I don't know what kind of things you came in contact with, but things have been pretty safe for me." The elevator door opened and I started following Edward, but I wasn't paying attention to where we were going. "Of course, I'm only in my room for an hour in the morning because of rehearsals and practice at the studio, but still." Edward unlocked the door to his apartment.

He allowed me in first, but I never lost eye contact with him. He said, "Trust me. Eventually, something will happen in that dorm that will scare you beyond comprehension. When that happens, you are going to call me and tell me I was right." He smirked, I glared.

"Whatever—whoa." I turned around and discovered cloud nine. His apartment looked very contemporary. The off shade of white on the walls created a very serene feeling around the whole room. Picture frames hung all over the walls and sat on the tables. I saw one on the end table with Edward and a beautiful red head with big curls. "Who's this?" I asked, feeling a little jealous.

He glimpsed at the frame as he put a teapot on the stove. "That's my cousin, Tanya. She lives in Alaska with my two other cousins." I felt a little relieved. "What kind of tea would you like?" He started pulling out different brands.

"Do you have lemon-ginger?" I asked looking around a little more.

"Sure," he answered. I looked into his entertainment center at his movie collection: Fast and the Furious movies, Red Line, 21, Batman Begins, Batman: the Dark Knight, and some old and unfamiliar movies. His music collection took up an entire wall of shelves.

"You have quite the music collection," I complimented, pulling out a familiar artist. I looked at the artwork on the front and the song titles on the back.

"Thank you," he said, coming up from behind me. "You like Debussy?" He asked. His emerald green eyes penetrated mine. Something I like about Edward: he's never afraid to make eye contact.

I chuckled. "You could say that. He's kind of my lucky artist," I put it back on the shelf.

"Why do you say that?" He was honestly curious. Normally, people would be bored with my success stories, considering there is so many of them.

I shook my head. "For my scholarship audition for Juilliard, I danced to Debussy's 'Claire de Lune.' He's been my good luck charm ever since. I listen to him when I study, when I'm walking around the town, sometimes I'll just dance to it." It sounded so silly.

Edward pulled it off the shelf and put the C.D into the player. He turned to me when the music started and said simply, "dance." I looked at him like he was crazy. Apparently he wasn't. I rolled my eyes and took off my shoes.

"Arabesque," I began. "Assèmble, jète, jète, jète, piquè, piquè, tourgette, sashay, grand-jete," Edward stopped me by grabbing my extended hand. He pulled me into a closed position and began to waltz with me. I laughed and he rolled his eyes.

"I may not know any of those French ballet terms, but my waltz is flawless." He was right. We waltzed around his living room until the tea-kettle started screaming. I laughed at the annoyed look on his face and pushed him into the kitchen.

We both sat down on his couch with my tea and his Chinese left-overs that smelled positively delicious, but I refrained. I raided his movie shelf and picked out my favorite—which I was completely surprised he had. Must be here because of Alice. He laughed when the opening credits came on.

"Oh, no," he chuckled, swallowing another bite of sesame chicken. "Not another Alice." I shoved him playfully.

"That's what you get for inviting a dancer into your house. Dirty Dancing is probably the best movie ever made. You need to learn some appreciation for these dancers. Do you have any idea how long it usually takes to learn all the moves she learned over one summer?" He shrugged. "It takes two years of floor dancing and serious workouts before you can even try the lifts. You also need to develop a trust with your partner. That's why I didn't do partner dancing…can't trust anybody." I sipped my tea. We got to the part with the lift and Edward put his food down.

"Let's try the lift," he said with no hesitation. I looked at him like he was delusional and dismissed what he said. I kept watching. He moved in front of the television. "I'm serious." The smile on his face made it hard to tell. I was skeptical.

"Dude," I pointed at the screen where the lift was happening. "I never even got to perform that lift. My partner in eighth grade chickened out…and it was in eighth grade," I emphasized. He didn't even look.

He smiled crookedly and made my heart skip a beat. "I trust you," he told me. Reluctantly, I got up and stood several yards from him. Thank god he had two story ceilings in his pent house. He stood there casually like he lifted girls like that every day. I took a deep breath, and ran straight for him. He leaned down as I got close, got a hold of my waist and…

…he caught me.

The position was easy enough to hit. I think I was in the air for about five seconds before Edward tossed me. He caught me again, only in his arms. I let out an, "oh!" Edward looked down at me, our faces mere inches apart. His green eyes pierced me. I could've sworn I saw fire, or a spark. His arms felt warm and comfortable, like we fit together.

"What do we do now?" He asked in a low and husky tone. I wanted to melt.

_Uh, you lean down and kiss me, because this is plain torture. Then you can carry me over to your billion dollar couch and kiss me stupid. _Instead of saying what I was really thinking, I told him, "You can put me down," I could barely whisper. This guy looked at me in a way that made my heart fill up. He looked at me like he cared I existed; something my parents never really did.

He did as I asked, and I bounced back to the couch, lulling over the very intense and intimate moment Edward and I just experienced. I heard him chuckle and make his way back to the couch, where he finished his Chinese and the movie with me. After the movie, we decided to play twenty questions…unintentionally.

"Favorite song to rock out to," he asked.

I didn't have to think about that one. "Ballroom Blitz by Sweet. That song gets me up and going every time." Where did I discover this song? Surprisingly, Jake—my neighbor in my dorm—got me to play rock band. The song just stuck with me, but my playing skills didn't. I don't think I'll be giving up my daytime job as a dancer any time soon.

Jake is a character…when he isn't completely boozed up. After my birthday last year, I never went around Jake when he was drunk. He's a great guy—a great artist, too—but he tends to get a little wild. If someone bought me wine for a first date, I'd be a little pissed. It's not a romantic thing to do; it just removes any inhibitions you may have. After that birthday, I never drank again.

I looked at the clock and nearly flipped. "Oh my God! Shit!" With amazing alacrity, I shot up off the couch and started picking up my stuff. "Shit! I didn't know how late it was," the clock read nearly eleven. Edward got up, too. We both shrugged on our jackets and walked out the door within seconds.

"Sorry," he apologized as we got on his bike. "I didn't realize how late it was either. Is the dorm still open?"

URK. My entire body stiffened. Oh, shit. I swallowed. "No," I groaned, putting a palm to my forehead. "But maybe if I ring somebody they'll come and open the door," Jake would get the door…unless he's past out drunk in the commons. Damn.

Edward got off the bike and looked at me for a moment. "What is your disposition on staying at my place for the night? It's probably a lot safer, and probably more comfortable. I heard dorm beds can make you a little stiff in the mornings." He sounded a bit relieved that the dorms were closed.

Curiosity got the best of me. "What happened in the dorms that made you hate them so much? You have such a grudge against them, but nothing terrible has ever happened to me." He seemed so biased against dorms. I could see in his eyes that he did not trust the safety of the dorms, that's for sure. When he talked about them, it sounded as if he was talking about some type of torture chamber. I've had a peaceful life in the dorms. I'm not so sure about Edward.

He ignored my question. "So I take it that's a yes?" Grr.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, you prejudiced rich pianist who can afford a penthouse in a million dollar building with a doorman, I will stay. Is Alice coming back tonight?" Being in an apartment with a guy I recently met…alone…not my usual style.

"Yes. She usually comes back late though. She won't be back for another hour or two. She and Jasper usually have a lot of," he coughed, "things to do." He looked slightly embarrassed. I'd definitely get a story out of that one. We walked back up to his apartment and we continued with our twenty questions and hot tea.

I felt strange. I felt comfortable. His presence felt calm and soothing. It's like all the madness from school just disappeared. His soft eyes, easy smile, and soothing voice made the atmosphere comfortable. Continuing to ask me remedial things—about my schedule, how long I'd been dancing, my favorite color, etc.—he managed to take up another hour. We decided that getting ready for bed would be a wise decision.

He disappeared into his bedroom for a few moments, coming out with a pair of basketball shorts and a Julliard t-shirt.

"Thank you," I said, blushing.

He shook his head. "It's really not a problem. There's a bathroom down that hall and the third door on the left. In the cabinet there's extra toothbrushes, anything you need is in there." I nodded in the direction. He scratched the back of his head bashfully. "Uh, I'm really sorry about having to keep you here. I guess I should've been paying more attention to the time. I'm just not used to it since I live off campus."

"Hey," I held up both of my hands, "it's my fault just as much as yours. Since I'm the one who lives in the dorms, I should've been paying better attention. Things happen, it's okay." Our eyes met for a mere second, and electricity coursed through my body, feeling like it was being shocked alive. "I'll just go change now." I started walking down the hall, trying to figure out what is up with these shocks to my body.

I changed out of my clothes and into Edward's. They smelled like him. The aroma smelled so sweet. After brushing my teeth, I walked back out into the living room. He was sitting on the couch, texting on his phone. When he heard my approaching footsteps, he turned to look at me.

His eyes went wide and his lips parted. The reaction caught me off guard. He just gazed at me that way for a few moments before it got really awkward.

"Uh, do I have toothpaste on my face or something?" I asked. That seemed to snap him out of whatever kind of daze he was in. He shook his head.

"No, I'm—I'm sorry. It's nothing." He had a confused expression on his face. I went and sat down next to him on the couch. He focused on his texting.

"So, where am I sleeping?" I asked. I had classes in the morning, and I needed my sleep. Plus, if I planned on calling the showcase people by the end of the week, I really needed to finish choreographing those routines. Even though tomorrow was a Friday, I don't have time for a break. That's what Saturdays and Sundays were for.

He turned off his phone. "There's a guest bedroom next to Alice's room. You can sleep there."

"How many bedrooms does this apartment have?" I asked. It seemed quite large. The circular family room was of a pretty decent size, the kitchen was state-of-the-art, and the bathroom was big.

"Three bedrooms and two baths. My mother bought the apartment for us and decorated it." He acted as if it was nothing to them.

"What do your parents do for a living?" I asked. "My mom's a teacher, my father's a chief of police, and they could never afford a place like this as well as a house. I don't think I'd ever live in a place like this." I looked around.

"My father is a general surgeon and my mother is an interior designer. My father also does really well in the stock market." Wow. I can only imagine what it must've been like to grow up with so much money around. Having parents that work and can still find time to take care of their kids is something I could never imagine.

"Having two parents that love you is a real blessing, Edward. Never take them for granted," I told him softly. He looked a little surprised by my statement. I knew what it felt like to grow up with no one. Absolutely no one was there for me. My father lived at the station, my mother lived for Phil, and I lived for dancing. "You are very fortunate to have such a tight-knit family."

His expression was unreadable. "You really grew up with no one, didn't you?"

I looked straight into his eyes. "Really."

He looked around. "Do you have your cell-phone?" I nodded and got up to walk to my dance bag. I pulled out my phone and tossed it to him. He started punching in numbers. Confused and curious, I sat down across from him on the couch. "If you need anything at all, call me, Alice, and I'll give you my parent's number. If you need anything, please, don't hesitate to call." He smiled sympathetically. "No one should go at life alone."

He tossed me my phone. I looked at him. "Thank you." Right after I whispered it to him, Alice came barging into the apartment. She squealed at the top of her lungs, doing a celebration dance in a little circle. She jumped up and down, squealing with delight. Edward and I quirked an eyebrow at each other. She was glowing. She threw her stuff on the floor and continued dancing.

She gasped and opened her eyes. "Edw—oh," she saw the two of us on the couch. "Oh, hi Bella!" She ran over to us squealing again. "Ohmygodohmygod you will _never _guess what happened!"

Edward and I looked at each other, both of us a little concerned for his sister. "Bergdorf Goodman is having a sale?" He guessed. I laughed.

Her eyes brightened even more (if possible). "Yes! But that's not what I was going to tell you." She looked as if she would explode with excitement. She looked between the two of us, waiting for us to guess again. She blew. "Jasper proposed!" She threw her hand out between us and exposed a gorgeous diamond and emerald engagement ring, matching her very green eyes.

"Congratulations, Alice!" I got up off the couch to hug her. She quirked an eyebrow at my outfit, but wrapped her arms around me nonetheless. Edward still looked a little shocked.

"Edward! Aren't you going to congratulate me?" She looked a little hurt.

He immediately stood up and enveloped her in a hug, lifting and spinning her in a circle. "Congratulations Alice!" He kissed her cheek, hugging her closer to him. He really loved his sister, and you could tell just by how they looked at each other. "I'm so happy for you! I expect that you will be telling us everything?" He guessed, setting her down.

She rolled her eyes and giggled. "Of course!" She turned to me. "But first you have to explain what Bella is doing here in your old basketball shorts and a t-shirt." She pointed her finger between the two of us.

Edward explained quickly. "She was kind enough to join me for dinner, since you cruelly abandoned me to go get engaged," she smiled, glancing at her gorgeous ring again. "Unfortunately, we lost track of the time. By the time we realized what time it was, the dorm was already closed. So I offered her a place here for the night."

The expression on her face told me she was a little disappointed with the explanation. "Oh. Well, okay. Sit down!" she plopped down in the middle of the couch and we joined her. "Well, Jasper took me to my favorite Italian restaurant in Manhattan, and I didn't think anything of it. So we walked around town for a while and then we decided to take a stroll through central park. We were sitting on a bench next to a pond, just talking. He asked me what I planned on doing for the rest of my life. I just told him that I'd be dancing and spending the rest of my life with him, 'cause I've told him time and time again that I love him. After I told him that, he got down on one knee and proposed! Right there in Central Park!" She got excited all over again.

I smiled as she started gushing about Jasper. She really loved him. She loved him as much as I loved dancing. Edward held onto her hand as she told him how happy she was. He looked genuinely happy. I felt like an intruder in this happy moment, so I kept quiet.

After another hour of talking, Alice and I said goodnight to Edward. She walked down the hall with me. "Here's the guest bedroom. I'll wake you up in the morning because this room doesn't have an alarm clock. "She was still smiling.

"Thank you Alice. I really appreciate you accommodating me on such short notice." I thanked her.

She waved it off. "Bella, it's no problem. It's nice to see you socializing!" She giggled. "I hardly ever see you talk to anyone. You are always so quiet in class. Anyways, I have a feeling that you and Edward are going to be really close to each other," she said very matter-of-factly. Her face lit up all of a sudden. "Oh! You should come with Edward and I to our house in the Hamptons this weekend! Jasper and I are going to tell everyone about our engagement. I would love it if you could come with us!" Her green eyes were shining with excitement.

"Uh…um…," I didn't know what to say.

"Yay! Edward and Jasper have rehearsals tomorrow night, so I'll come by and get you at the studio before I head over. Bring your stuff so we don't have to stop by the dorms." She shivered visibly at the thought. She looked up at me. "Okay, well goodnight Bella!" She skipped down the hallway to her room humming Pachelbell's cannon. I laughed and went to bed.

These Cullens…they were so open and welcoming. They felt like family to me, just from being so open. The way they talked to me felt like chatting with siblings. Just bantering about what's new. It's a comforting feeling, being welcomed. I could definitely get used to it.


	4. Author's Note: Promise Ensues!

Hi! I'm back! I'm sorry I haven't updated in a LONG TIME, but i've been on vacation for over two weeks with no internet connection! I know, I'm surprised I survived, too. Especially when your sister's boss was arrested before your eyes and all the snakes you see in Lake of the Ozarks are poisonous...thank God I didn't see any. I did witness ravonous Karp fish dive over each other for a piece of stale bread! Fascinating experience, really. New York is probably one of the most amazing cities man kind ever created; though I'm glad we changed the name to "New York" instead of "New Amsterdam". (If you need reference to that name, listen to "Istanbul (was constantinople)" by "They Might Be Giants") I promise you all that I will be typing up a storm this weekend. And if I am determined enough, I will even work during the season finale of Burn Notice! So I'm thinking if I work REALLY HARD, I can get two chapters up by next week (being Sunday). I hope you all have had a wonderful summer so far and have been educating yourselves how to be excellent spies, fencers, and writers! 


	5. Chapter 4

"Good morning star shine!" Alice sang, whipping the door to the guest room open. She was positively radiant, a result of the proposal, no doubt. She drew back the curtains and exposed the early New York sun. She put her hands on her hips and took a deep breath. "Isn't central park beautiful in the morning?" I got up and stared.

The view from their penthouse was absolutely breathtaking. There were plenty of runners populating the area, and early morning commute traffic was on its way. The trees looked like they were browning up for fall. The green from spring began to fade. I could see one of my favorite ponds—the turtle pond—and the old castle I hang out at. This confused me. You couldn't see any of this from the west side.

"Alice, where is this apartment?" I looked down below for some kind of landmark. No such luck.

"We are on Fifth Avenue, between sixty-fifth and sixty-Sixth Street. Why?" She didn't understand my sudden urgentness. I was taken aback. I was on the Upper East Side. We'd gone across Grand Central and I didn't even notice! Shows how observant I am…

"This is what Edward considers 'just off campus'?!" I turned to her. She just smiled at me. "I have to get to class and traffic is horrible! We are completely across the park and several city blocks from campus. You guys are either insane, or too willing to make the commute." This is way off campus! I'd never even been to the Upper East Side.

She smiled kindly. "How else did you think Edward could get you over here?" I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She reached up and patted my shoulder. "He really likes you, Bella. And when I say that, I mean he literally couldn't stop talking about you since we met. I don't know how he couldn't run out of things to say from only one meeting." She smiled while I stood in my stunned state. "He told me that he never wanted you to feel alone. I'm pretty sure there's a history behind that, but I'm not going to ask. He's really excited that you're coming to the Hamptons with us this weekend. He's going to take you into town, take you to The Maidstone; he plans to basically spoil you rotten." I laughed at that.

"The Maidstone?" I inquired.

"Yeah, it's the exclusive club my parents belong to. We live in the East Hamptons. You don't see a lot of Ferraris or anything, but it's nice. The beach isn't actually all that bad this time of year. The water is tolerable, so bring a couple of swimsuits. We also have a heated pool."

"Alice," I argued. "I have to get to class. I don't have time to stop by my dorm. Then I need to contact the showcase people and tell them about rehearsals starting next week, and then I have Romeo and Juliet rehearsals at lunch. Where in all that chaos am I going to be able to pack for a weekend trip to the Hamptons?" I'm not sure if I was still in shock from Alice's statement about Edward, or if I just didn't want to go.

She pondered the thought. "Well," she sighed. "I guess we are going to have to sacrifice going to dance history this morning." She shrugged. "Good thing I woke you up and hour early. Well, get showered and dressed. We will be leaving in half an hour." She walked out the door.

I didn't agree with anything she said, but I had an icky feeling that I wouldn't be rejecting her today. Instead of fighting the impossible, I gazed out the bay windows over the park, enjoying the view. I could imagine to waking up every morning to this view. The view gave me peace of mind, which left me to ponder the thought of Edward and me together.

I'd seen him all of a few times. He seemed like someone I could get to know. He really knew how to entertain a girl without getting in her pants. He had the most breath-taking smile, hair that I could run my hands through forever, and eyes that could see even through murky brown water. His body and his arms called to me like sirens. I couldn't ignore them. He seemed genuinely interested in _me_. He cared about me. He wanted to take care of me, which was an entirely different experience since I have taken care of myself my entire life. He has drive and determination, something most men don't have.

Just when I thought I had a moment of privacy, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my skin until I saw that it was Edward. He just smiled at me before turning his attention to the same view I had.

"It's breath-taking, isn't it?" He asked.

"I would love waking up to this view every morning," I admitted. "Thank you for lending me a room for the night," I told him. "I really appreciate it. It's nice to sleep in something other than an uncomfortable twin bed for once. It's also nice of you to invite me to the Hamptons. I've never been there myself, but I heard it's wonderful." I felt like I was rambling.

"It is," he agreed. "I've spent most of my summers there. I remember sneaking into Maidstone beach late at night just to get a clear look at the moon reflecting off the water. The stars are so clear there. I love spending time there. I'm sure you will, too." I turned my head to look at him and realized he'd been looking at me the whole time. My eyes met his, and I felt he could read me like a book. A comfortable silence fell between us for a moment. Then he looked down at his feet. "You should probably get going. Alice will be irritated with me if I keep you any longer."

So I took a shower.

It felt nice knowing that I could shower without having to worry about the guy living in the dorm next to me walking in. Their bathroom was all marble and elegant. I took a good look at myself in the mirror when I got out. I thought, _how could someone like me get a guy like Edward? _I wasn't the tiny dancer type. I was 5'4 and a hundred pounds. I didn't look at all that special.

_Then why did Edward's jaw drop last night at the sight of you in his clothes?_

I pushed the thought aside and pinched the fat on my side. I glared at myself through the mirror for several moments before opting to get dressed.

Alice and I said goodbye to Edward before walking out the door. Despite my pleads to just walk across and avoid the outrageous taxi fares that I couldn't even split, she insisted she pay. She chatted about Jasper and I zoned out. It was obvious her love for him ran deep. When the taxi driver dropped us off at the dorm, Alice took a deep breath before walking in. What was with the Cullens and dorms?

"Oh, God, is that what you call a swimsuit?" Alice looked slightly mollified at my choice of swimwear. I looked at her and shrugged.

"I can't afford to go shopping for new ones, I don't really go anywhere to swim, so what's the point in spending a ton on something I'm not going to use anyway?" When I started putting the rest of my clothes in my duffel, Alice picked up the entire thing and threw it across the room. "Alice! What is wrong with you?" I was scared at the determined look on her face.

"Screw this," she muttered before picking up her cell phone. "Mr. Perron, hello. This is Alice Cullen speaking. Bella is sick today and asked me to call you and ask that you contact the showcase people and tell them that rehearsals will start next week on Wednesday…I will be taking Bella to the doctor today, so don't expect me in class. Thank you. Goodbye." She hung up and turned to me. "Alright, we're going shopping." She took me by the wrist and threw my messenger bag at me.

"Alice! I don't have the money to go shopping!" I exclaimed in a panic.

"I know you don't, but I do. You are in dire need of a new wardrobe." She hailed a taxi cab and told him to drop us off at the corner of 79th and Maddison.

"What's at the corner of 79th and Maddison?" I asked fearfully.

She snickered. "The beginning of our lovely journey down designer avenue," she said evilly. I was waiting for her evil laugh. I groaned and _then _she let out the evil laugh.

--

By the time four o clock rolled around, I was exhausted. Alice dragged me down Maddison Avenue, buying the most expensive things she could get her hands on. I think I ended up with an entire bag of swimsuits, a bag of casual sundresses, and several bags of shoes. My pile of bags looked like a hill compared to Alice's mountain. She hit the sales rack at Bergdorf Goodman. I asked her jokingly if she planned on giving me an entire makeover along with my wardrobe, but her only response was, "You're too pretty. Your hair is long and curly and your face is flawless. Messing with any of that would be a crime." I was flattered and blushed.

We stopped by the apartment only long enough to drop off our bags. Alice really wanted to see Jasper. "We should probably get going," she said as we sat down on a bench at the entrance of central park. "I want to see part of their practice before we head to Penn Station. Edward and I will need to stop by the apartment, and you can borrow one of my duffel bags." Was it me, or did she sound controlling?

"Why are you doing all of this for me, Alice?" I demanded. "I've only talked with you guys a couple of times and all of a sudden you're buying me all new clothes, taking me to the Hamptons with you to see your family. I'm confused. Why are you taking care of me?" I'd be tossing over that question in my mind all day. Not that I didn't value their friendship, but our social classes are so different, and they are so insistent on being my friend. Or in Edward's case, more.

She thought about her answer for a moment. "I know that I talk a lot in class and socialize with everyone, but outside my family and Jasper, I don't really have any friends. Edward has friends, but I don't think I've ever seen such a spring in his step before you. We both really care for you. Edward is obsessed with you in a good way, and sees something in you that no one else does. We want you to feel like family." She put her hand over mine. "Let us take care of you. Edward told me a little about your family situation, and from the sound of it, you don't really have much of one. So we just want you to feel welcome with us." She smiled up at me. Before I could respond, she hailed a taxi.

The music hall was absolutely beautiful. Alice opened the doors for us to go sit down near the stage. The dome in the ceiling had been painted of angels and harps, clouds, looking like heaven. Alice and I took a seat and listened to them begin the song.

I immediately zeroed in on Edward, playing the piano smoothly with the violins. He looked happy playing. The song was fast and I watched as his hands flew over the keys.

"What are they playing?" I whispered to Alice.

"Fugue in D minor by Bach. Isn't it beautiful?" Her eyes were only for Jasper. I glanced over at Jasper and saw his fingers roll off the finger board of his bass. He was principle bassist. Go figure. The entire family was perfect. I sat back and listened to the music. I couldn't hear a single flaw. It was a rich sound that reverberated throughout the room. The orchestra sounded amazing. I would come to every concert they held.

When their rehearsals were over, Alice ran up to the stage and leapt into Jaspers arms. Edward approached me and smiled.

"Enjoy the show?" He asked.

I shook my head. "You guys sounded absolutely amazing." I turned to look at him. "You really know how to play," I complemented.

He laughed. "I'm no Bach, but I try." He looked over at Alice and Jasper who had smirks on their faces with their foreheads touching. "We should probably get the happy couple out of here before we miss the train." He called out to them and they gathered.

"Hi, I'm Jasper," he greeted me with a southwestern twang and stuck his hand out for me to shake. He looked like a Texan: fairly tan blond and semi curly hair, and blue eyes. He also stood at least 6'7 and towered over tiny Alice.

"Pleasure to meet you, I'm Bella." I shook his hand firmly. Our greetings were curtailed in order to be able to pack and get to the station on time. It didn't take us very long, but even so, the train station was crowded when we arrived.

"Shit," Edward muttered. He turned to Jasper, "You might want to carry the pixie. She would get lost in a crowd like this." The assumed 'pixie' stuck her tongue out at Edward.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Edward sighed. "It's a Friday night in the early evening. Everyone wants to escape for the weekend and there are only so many seats on the train. These people are like raging herds of antelope when they announce the train has arrived. They will run over you if you get in their way." He gave me a serious look. "No one wants to stand on a train for three hours. I hope you brought something to entertain yourself with," he smirked.

I smirked back. "I'm sure I'll find something to do." Our eyes made contact and some sort of electricity passed between us.

I'm pretty sure the moment could've lasted forever, but a buzz came over the PA system and the next thing I knew, Edward had grabbed my hand and started running. I stumbled after him as we raced down the stairs to the platforms. A man next to me with a bike jabbed me in the side with his handle bars, probably leaving a bruise, while I could only see chaos around me. There had to be hundreds of people running around us to get on the train. I don't know how Edward knew which train to board, but he shoved past all the other people to get on the train immediately to our left. I chanced a look behind me to see Jasper, who actually _did _end up carrying Alice bridal style. She was giggling like a fool.

Edward pulled me with him into the first seats we could find, which was pretty close to the exit. He took a deep breath before turning to smile at me.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" His brilliant smile told me he actually enjoyed it. I just stared at him with eyes that asked, _are you crazy? _"So what do you think?"

"Well," I said, "it is certainly an experience." My hip brushed the arm rest set between us and I winced. Carefully, I lifted the edge of my shirt up to see blood dripping to the waistband of my jeans. "Shit," I cursed under my breath.

Edward's attention shifted downward to my hands. "Bella, are you alright?"

"Fine, why?" I tried playing coy. He brushed aside my hand.

He hissed. "Bella, you're bleeding." He investigated my wound (cue eye-roll) and touched the raw edges of the cut. It stung like hell. "What happened?" He demanded.

"Chill out, dad, some guy's bike jabbed me by the handlebars. It's just a scratch. Would you stop touching it?" I slapped his hand away.

"My dad can stitch that up when we get there, but for now," he called out to the man checking the tickets. "Do you have a first aid kit?" The man nodded stiffly before rushing off. He turned back to me, a little pissed. "Why did you try and keep that from me?" He demanded.

"For exactly this reason," I waved my hand at him. "No one should freak out over a little scratch." Edward had a retort on his lips, but the man working the tickets returned with the first aid kit. He checked our tickets and let us be.

Edward tenderly cleaned my cut, which looked really big without all the blood covering it. Behind me, I heard a family struggling to find a seat for their four year old daughter. "Just one seat, please. We can stand." The couple in front of us refused to give up their seats. Heartless bastards.

"Edward, are you done?" I hissed hurriedly. He raised his brow.

"Yes, why?" Before he finished his sentence, I was up and out of my seat.

"Here, ma'am, your daughter can take my seat," I gestured to my place next to Edward. The woman looked absolutely relieved.

"Thank you miss," she gasped. "Our daughter can't stand for more than ten minutes before she passes out." The woman was in her early thirties, easily my height, and dressed in a designer jersey dress. Her husband was a little shorter than Edward, but very crisp.

"Really, it's no problem. I know what it feels like to fight your way through and end up with nothing." Their little girl was as cute as a button. She wore a blue tank top with cute stubs for pig-tails to pull her chocolate brown hair back. Her bangs were slightly askew, and her piercing steel blue eyes could see through anyone. The eyes of children are some of the most observant. She reminded me of the little girl from Monster's Inc.

"Thank you," the little girl said in a squeaky voice. She sat down next to Edward. He was looking at me thoughtfully. I shrugged and nodded towards the little girl. He smiled and started talking to her.

He looked cute interacting with her. Personally, I think he enjoyed talking to her. He made her laugh and giggle. She started talking about her seven boyfriends and we all started chuckling.

After twenty minutes, the train captain came over the intercom, announcing that we would be switching trains in Jamaica. Our next train was delayed, so we ended up waiting for it by sitting on our bags.

"That was really nice of you to give up your seat," Edward told me, still staring out at the empty track. "You went against the natural flow of things around here."

"And what is the 'natural flow of things around here?'" I inquired.

He gave me a smirk. "Put your ear-buds in and pretend to be much occupied with a book or something of that nature," he informed me. "Though, I guess it's a little late to tell you that."

I frowned. "That's a pretty ignorant way to go about things," I adjusted myself on my duffel bag. "When I was little, I was just like her," I told him. "Still am, in a way, just not nearly as bad. But when I was her age, I didn't just pass out, I had seizures." I shivered at the memory. "It started when I was three. My mom was putting a really intricate braid into my hair while I was standing up. I'd been standing up for so long that my vision started to go out."

"Did you tell her that?" Edward asked, completely engrossed by my story.

I sighed. "I tried. Though I wasn't completely sure what was happening. I told her that black stuff was in my eye." I don't think three year-olds understand the concept of blacking out or passing out. I did the best I could with what little vocabulary I had.

"Did she understand what you were saying at all? Did you put your head down?"

"I tried that too. I started crying and putting my head down because I was so scared. All she did was yank my head back and start yelling at me to keep my head still. The next thing I know my vision was completely out. The last thing I felt was a small little pat on my head, which was actually the tile floor making contact with it. I didn't collapse; I went down like a tree. I don't know how long I was out before I started hearing my mom screaming at someone. I couldn't make out words. I wanted to respond; only my body wouldn't let me. I couldn't open my eyes, move my mouth. Pretty much I felt like dead weight. I didn't regain any feeling until I was in the hospital; tied up to so many machines it was ridiculous."

"And yet you still gave up your seat to that girl?" He asked a look of disbelief in his eye.

I just stared. "Is that explanation not enough?" I asked. "I know what it feels like."

He rolled his eyes. "She just passes out. You on the other hand have a fucking seizure!" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why didn't you tell me this before we got on the train?" Why did this trouble him so much?

I shrugged. "I didn't think it was important."

I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. "Not imp—dear God, Bella." He shook his head disapprovingly and clenched his eyes shut. When he opened them, it was to look at me in the eye. "You are probably one of the most selfless people I have ever known." He had a look of pure admiration about him.

I chuckled and slapped him on the arm. "You look like I just cured cancer and gave all my money to charity. I'm not that great. There are a lot of people in the world who'd give up their seat for a little girl. I'm nothing special." I really wasn't. I'm sure one way or another, that girl would've found a place to sit.

"I beg the differ," Edward mumbled. Before I could say something the train pulled up. Alice and Jasper finally came back from wherever the hell they were and ran onto the train with us, giggling like a bunch of little girls. Edward and I looked at each other and started laughing. They were acting like a pair of horny teenagers.

No one around us asked for seats. By this time, a lot less people were on the train. Most people got off in the South Hamptons. Edward explained that the more ostentatious New Yorkers live in the South Hamptons. The more subtle people live in the East Hamptons.

"So are you friends with anyone in the South Hamptons?" I asked curiously. He seemed to be in the Hamptons social network.

He shrugged. "I know a few. My cousin, Tanya, lives there. My other cousins, Kate and Irina, you probably wouldn't get along too well with." He re-thought that idea. "With Kate, you might be able to get along with. She's a little rough around the edges, but she has a big heart. Irina is just stubborn." We both laughed.

"I wish I had some wickedly funny family stories to tell you, but I really don't have any. Except for the one time my dad tried taking me fishing. But I'm not even going to try to elaborate on that one." I shook my head. "Not one of my finer moments."

Edward stared at me incredulously. "You can't make a statement like that and leave me hanging. That's cruel and unusual punishment."

I sent back a flat gaze. "You are talking to a girl who's always been light on her feet. My dad took me fishing on his friend Billy's boat. A twenty-pound bass bit the bait. Use your imagination." A look of realization crossed Edward's face and he started to shake with silent laughter. I rolled my eyes and put my ear buds back in. "Best fucking swim of my life," I muttered sarcastically. That just sent him into a fit of laughter.

"I'm—I'm sorry," he apologized, trying to control his laughter. "I'm just having a hard time imagining you fishing."

"I can't heeeaaar you!" I pointed to the iPod immaturely. Maturity is overrated anyways.

He pulled my ear-buds out of my ears. He was still smiling, but he calmed down. "So what do you do besides dance?" He smirked, "If it isn't fishing?" I wanted to slap the grin off of his smug face.

I shrugged. "I hang out with my friend, Jake. He's an artist. I just like watching him paint. He is definitely a clown. His dad is my dad's friend, Billy—the one who took me fishing. He forced me to go out for my twenty-first birthday," I cracked a smile. "We both got so wasted. I don't remember much. The next morning we were both naked in bed," a look of pure shock crossed Edward's facial features. I grinned. "It turns out I had sex with a guy named James and Jake snuck into the bed after James left. Of course, we didn't find out until a few hours later." I laughed. "It was awkward."

"James Cavanaugh?" Edward asked with a frown.

I sighed. "That's the one. He's a real asshole," I commented.

Edward continued to frown. "Yeah. Emmett beat him to a pulp after he started chasing after Rose." Edward winced. "That boy was messed up for weeks." I shivered when I heard Rosalie's name. She was colder than ice towards me.

It was dark outside when we arrived at the station in East Hampton. The air felt warm against my skin and I welcomed it. Those trains can be unbearably cold. A Range Rover honked at us and Edward smiled.

"That's Esme for you," He commented. We all began walking in the direction of the car. We loaded up all of our luggage. I sat in the back with Alice and Jasper while Edward took the passenger seat in the front.

"Hello, you must be Bella," Esme turned in her seat to offer me a hand. "I'm Esme; it's nice to meet you." She had the most beautiful caramel colored hair that reached midway into her back. Her eyes were as dark as the car we were in and her heart-shaped face looked welcoming.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I shook her hand. She turned back into her seat. She gave Edward a kiss on the cheek before putting the car in gear. They chatted animatedly while I sat in the back feeling anti-social with Alice and Jasper whispered things to each other.

"Your father should be home within the hour," Esme told Edward. "He's very excited to meet you Bella," she called back to me. "He had a rough day at the hospital, so I'm sure some new company will be refreshing to him. Alice!" She scolded. We all jumped. "You can save that kind of behavior for when people aren't around." I never thought it possible, but Alice actually blushed. Esme continued with her updates. "Ms. Bryan is dating our neighbor, Bill, now. Do you think she will ever settle down again? I feel like she's just getting the boyfriends so she can stay at their houses, which is strange since her own house is just down the street." She updated the party with all the latest East Hampton gossip, which isn't as petty as it sounded.

"We're home," Esme sang as we pulled into a gravel driveway. I couldn't see much since the sky was so dark, but I could still see the silhouette of the huge home next to us. "Will she be staying in the guest house or the main house?" Esme asked Edward.

"The main house. Alice wants the guest house." Edward and I nearly choked on our childish giggles. Edward took my bag without question and led me into the house through the side door while Jasper and Alice headed in the opposite direction.

When Edward turned on the lights, I saw a beautiful kitchen. All the appliances were state-of-the-art but the cabinets were white wood with glass. To my immediate left was a huge stainless steel fridge. The island and the countertops were made of grayish granite. It felt homey. Edward took me down a hall to the left, leading to a small foyer. The dark wood floors accentuated the white wood walls. He took me up the stairs and opened a door to the left.

"Here's your room. Straight through that door is the closet and the door to the left is the bathroom. Desmond is going to be fixing dinner, so if you want to clean up, feel free to. Alice will come and check up on you soon," he thought about it, "then again, just come downstairs when you're done." We chuckled.

"Thank you," I told him and when we both sobered up. He gazed at me strangely. I gestured around the room. "Thank you for bringing me here. I've been alone almost every weekend of my life. This is a refreshing change." Luxurious stays in the Hamptons, chefs and maids, walks on the beach; these are definitely not what I would even be dreaming about.

"Bella," he shook his head, "you don't have to thank me for any of this. You are a great person who has suffered way too much for a lifetime. Alice needs a real friend, and you seem like the perfect girl for the role. I like you, so does Alice. We love having you with us." He said it so I could believe him. He was such a giving person, and I had nothing to reciprocate with.

Well, maybe not _nothing_.

I walked up to him and stretched on my toes to give him a soft kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for everything," I whispered. While he stared at me with wide eyes, I smiled kindly and retreated to the bathroom.

I quickly splashed the blush off of my face with cold water. The face in the mirror's cheeks was flushed, but the rest of her retained the unnatural paleness. Her excitable eyes looked lively for the first time in a while. Her waterfall curls fell past her shoulders gracefully. She looked presentable, so I stepped out of the bathroom, thankfully, to find the bedroom empty of people. For the first time in a while, I felt at peace.

I sat on the bed for a minute, thinking of my strange and sudden good fortune. I was with people who actually wanted to be with me, rather than felt obligated to be with me. Alice was the kind of friend who would be there to defend you when you needed defending. She has the loyalty of a dog, but she is still a free spirit. She's like a kite without a string; fun to chase and look at, but you can never really bring it down to earth.

Edward is just as loyal, but not as spirited. I always get the feeling that something is driving him, and I also get the feeling that I will never find out what that is. He runs deeper than the average person. He's very introverted compared to the open Alice. Getting close to him is difficult when his shields are up, but when you get through, his love is as boundless as the sea. His heart is so soft and tender, which is why it's so hard to get to. He's an auditor. Watching people is a guilty pleasure. Learning how they work is like a challenging puzzle to him that he likes to solve. I'm his complex 3-D puzzle that everyone gives up on, but is he is determined to solve.

Is it wrong to find pleasure in being that?


	6. Chapter 5

**Okay, before you come after me with daggers and pitchforks, I was legit sick...just in a way most people don't understand. I was admitted to the hospital two months ago. If you are still on board, I love you. Now comment! I have my laptop back! Time to Celebrate with updates galore! **

**Chapter 6

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We all sat down in the kitchen, conversing with each other, learning of Esme's new project that she is determined to finish. Alice has been bouncing all night long trying to hold in her big news, Jasper just smiling at her the entire time, nearly giving everything away with the look in his eyes. Alice has been able to hide her ring almost all night from Esme, for which I am very impressed. It takes a kind of focus I didn't believe she possessed.

The back door opened behind us. "Good evening everyone," a melodious voice greeted. I turned around and saw the Greek god Zeus…or possibly his brother. Tall and very fit, a blonde man, who I presumed to be Carlisle, strode gracefully into the kitchen. His light blonde hair was neatly slicked back and his navy blue scrubs complimented his flawless pale skin. His bronze-colored eyes came across me for a brief moment.

"Hey dad!" Alice greeted him with a blinding smile, pulling his eyes away from me. She stood up with everyone else to go greet him with a hug.

"Hello, and how are you this week?"

"I'm fantastic!" She answered with a little too much enthusiasm. He raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything as he pulled Esme into his arms for a hug and kiss.

"Dad," Edward interrupted, "this is our friend, Bella. She will be staying with us this weekend." He gestured towards me.

I held my hand out. "It's very nice to meet you Mr. Cullen."

He took my hand without hesitation and gave it a quick, firm shake. "Please, call me Carlisle. Mr. Cullen makes me sound old." We both chuckled, but I doubt he could ever truly look old.

We all sat down again, this time Carlisle lead the conversation. "So you dance with Alice, is that correct?" He asked me.

"Yes, we have a couple classes together, and she's also in the showcase." I tried directing the conversation to her, since she's the one with the fantastic news. He looked to Alice.

"Really? What showcase?"

Alice answered. "Monsier Perron asked her to pull together a showcase for the Winter Performances. He put together twenty dancers for it and I'm one of them."

"Twenty of the _best _dancers, to be exact," I told him. He should be proud of his daughter. She looked the part of an excellent dancer, she performed well, she deserved to be noticed. I wasn't stick thin like most of the dancers and I was just a bit taller than most of them.

"Congratulations!" He told both of us. "Sounds like you've had a good week."

"It doesn't end there," she said a little more bashfully. She glanced over at Jasper and took his hand. Most people would be nervous about announcing their engagement to their families, but Jasper looked too absorbed into Alice to really give a damn. "Jasper proposed, and I said yes."

Esme and Carlisle leaped from their seats at the same time to pull Alice into an embrace. Everyone was squealing with excitement—well, just Alice and Esme—and I stood by and watched with a broad smile. Carlisle let go of Alice to congratulate Jasper and they conversed while Esme and Alice discussed wedding plans.

Their family was so different from mine. My dad didn't know what to do with a child, my mom didn't want to accept what her daughter wanted for a future, and neither of them approved of wanting to dance for the rest of my life. They've never really supported my descisions, but I've learned to ignore their protests.

The Cullens loved and supported each other whole-heartedly. They even embraced their friends without hesitation. By the way they took Alice and Jasper's news, I could tell they trusted each other a lot. They trust each other to make the right decisions for themselves. I wish my parents trusted me with my life, but they continually tried to control it. The Cullen family seemed so open with each other. They didn't need secrets.

"I must apologize, my family can be a bit exuberant," Edward said from standing next to me.

"There's nothing to apologize for. I was just thinking how amazing your family is. I mean, your dad walked through the door and every gets up to greet him. Your mother is so intrigued with what you do in your lives. They both obviously love you very much. You are very lucky to have them for parents." Carlisle pulled Alice into his side and kissed her on the forehead, whispering something that I couldn't hear and she smiled, looking up at him with happy, tear-filled eyes.

"I couldn't imagine anyone better for parents." He said, absorbing the touching family scene.

Esme announced that a celebration was in order and pulled out several wine glasses. We all sat around the counter, Esme and Carlisle told stories about Alice growing up while the rest of us chuckled in the right places and Alice blushed or protested, explaining her side of the story. Everyone added bits and pieces of details while I took in most of it.

Whenever someone would ask me a question about my childhood, I froze while Edward saved me, turning over a different subject. I sent him several grateful glances. I didn't really have any stories to share. If they asked me a question about my childhood, the happiness would definitely leave the room. I don't have any entertaining stories, all I had was dance. My parents hated me, I didn't have any friends, I didn't do anything particularly funny. I would be a total kill joy.

After everyone had gone to bed, I pulled out my laptop and cell phone, feeling that it was safe to check in on my failure of a family life. I received an awkward email from my dad. I could tell he just wanted to get in touch, but didn't know how to communicate.

_Bells,_

_How are you? I know we haven't spoken in a while, and I apologize. Forks crime life isn't exactly thrilling right now, but I still have to keep up with everything. How is school? Are you going to be graduating soon? I know that the Seattle ballet is really good. The Anaheim Ballet looks like a nice place for you, too. It's closer to home. It'd be nice to hear from you. _

_Dad_

Charlie had never been a man of many words, but then again, I never spoke often either. I guess it's something we have in common. The last part of his email repulsed me a bit, but at least he acknowledged that I'm going to be dancing for a while. It's better than Renee trying to convince me to go to a 'real college' and become something 'useful'.

_Dad,_

_I've been alright. I know that work keeps you busy; school tends to keep me pretty busy. School is going good, though. I'm starring in Romeo and Juliet with a friend. My teacher also gave me an opportunity to put together a showcase before winter break. I sent you a ticket in case you wanted to come. I understand if you can't make it…work and all. I would love it if you came. After I graduate in the spring, I'm staying in New York. The ballet here wants me to come dance with them. It's one of the most elite ballets in the world, and it's an honor to dance with them. The Anaheim would be a great fall-back, but I don't think I would ever dance with Seattle. Thank you for the offers. Have you heard from Renee? I invited her and Phil to come, but I haven't gotten a response back from them. I hope you are well. Say hi to the Blacks for me!_

_Bella_

I clicked, "SEND" and the email disappeared. I picked up my phone to see if Renee tried to get a hold of me, but the inbox was empty, as well as my voicemail. Normally she took advantage of every attempt at communication to get me to come home and actually engage myself into my family. I normally ignored her attempts since the never worked in the first place. Maybe this was a good sign that she was finally giving up.

I sighed and set the phone back down on the bed. I nearly jumped when I heard my bedroom door click shut. My head whipped towards the door and I let out a breath when I saw that it was Alice. "You scared the shit out of me, Alice. What's up?" I shut my laptop and tossed my phone on the seat near the window. She sat down on the other side of the bed.

"I couldn't sleep, sorry!" she giggled. "I'm just so excited!" she clapped her hands together quietly.

I smiled. "How long have you known Jasper?" I asked conversationally.

"When have I _not _known Jasper?" She chuckled. "People who grow up in New York know each other since birth. We started going out when we were both sixteen. By then we were both convinced we were going to Julliard. We both had a passion for the arts, which really brought us together. When he turned eighteen, he went to school in California to play with what they called the 'Principal Symphony'. All the principal players from several orchestras got to play there together for a month.

At first I was traumatized. For two years we'd done everything together. A month seemed like a really long time to be apart. Well, apparently, he thought so, too, because a week into it he showed up on my doorstep saying, 'I'm sorry for being so stupid.' That was the first time we exchanged 'I love you' s. From then on, we were kind of a package deal." The way she glowed when she spoke about Jasper made me smile, and anyone could see the love involved.

"What about you?" She asked me out of nowhere.

"'What about me' what?" I asked.

"Have you ever had somebody?" She looked sincerely interested in my non-existent love life. I snickered.

"Yes. My sophomore year of college I was involved with this one guy. It was my first serious relationship." I left her hanging there.

"Really?" She asked, completely entranced. "What was his name?"

"His name was Ben, but there was this other guy that I really liked. He really knew how to capture a girl's heart." This was probably going to end with a slap on the back of the head, but I was enjoying this way too much.

"And what was his name?"

"Jerry."

"Ben and Jer--" her eyes narrowed.

Then there came the slap on the back of the head. I cringed and started laughing.

"You fell right into that one Alice." I shook with giggles.

"'Ben and Jerry' my ass!" she exclaimed, trying very hard to keep a straight face, but the smile broke through. "Wow, I can't believe I didn't see that one coming. But, seriously, has there been anyone?"

Still laughing, I said, "No."

"I'm going to hook you up with my brother." I stopped laughing.

"Alice, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. I'm sure your brother can find a much better girl for himself than me," and much prettier, but I didn't say that. "Besides, I don't really have the time between school, the showcase, the winter production, and graduation. It's just not logical to get a boyfriend when it's not really a top priority," it sure would be if Edward was my boyfriend, "He would feel second best, which he would be, he would feel abandoned, and I just don't want to be responsible for that. Dance is my life right now, and that's what I'm going to focus on. Guys are a distraction." This, of course, was all a front. Her brother was amazing, and I was just average. I needed to lose ten pounds before I could even attempt to look for someone.

She narrowed her eyes in speculation. "I think you need to live life a little. My mom always says, 'keep your heart open, and love will always find it's way in.'"

"I thought that was from those dorky Kay Jeweler commercials?" I cracked a smile.

Alice shook her head gravely. "That snobby bitch has been single for years. When mom told her that, she decided to make millions on the idea." With one look we started laughing. "If Edward asked you, would you say yes?" She asked me, still smiling.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it all depends on if we are compatible," this, unfortunately, was true. Sometimes, people pursue different things and dreams in life. If he wants to travel, then I wouldn't go with him. If he wants to stay with me in New York, then sure.

"How do you define, 'compatible'?" Alice inquired.

"What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?" I felt like I was being interrogated.

"Probing," she claimed, "like a reporter."

"So you are going to make my lack of love-life public for an expose in the school news paper?"

"You know what I mean, smart ass."

"Let things come as they may, Alice. Good things happen to those who wait." She gave me a sympathetic look.

"Don't you think you've waited long enough?"

Alice finally left me to sleep, and I fell asleep quite quickly. I'm not sure how long I slept, but a vexatious hissing sound rang in my ears.

"PSST!" I heard a harsh whisper and shot up from bed. Just an hour ago Alice left, and now I have to get up again.

"Who is it?" I demanded.

Edward came out of the corner of the room. "Grab a jacket. I want to show you something." Warily, I got out of bed and grabbed a sweatshirt, hoping he didn't see the too-small t-shirt I was wearing that exposed my flub. He opened up the window and I stood there. "What?"

"We're climbing out a second-story window?" I asked flatly. He rolled his eyes.

"There's a stable vine-fence we can scale down. Relax. I'll go first and if you fall, I promise I'll catch you, just like I promised to catch you the first time." I blushed furiously. He smoothly climbed out the window and onto the roof, reaching a hand out to me. Tentatively, I took it, and nearly jumped at the electricity that coursed through me at his touch. Instead of letting go after the shock, he held on tighter.

I crawled out the window and watch him climb down the vines like he'd done it a million times before. Maybe he had. When he reached the bottom, he gestured to go ahead. With doubts, I careful climbed onto my knees and reached my feet down for something to touch. When my feet made contact with the fence, I reached a hand down. Surprisingly, I didn't slip of fall or anything hazardous. Edward certainly looked impressed.

He quickly took my hand in his again and turned towards the line of tall bushes in the back of the yard. "Let's go," he whispered excitedly. We ran past the pool, and at first, I thought we would run straight through the bushes, but he found a small, hidden path in the darkness. I could hear the cumpling of fallen leaves beneath my feet as we quickly walked through a woodsy area. The path wasn't clear-cut, but wasn't hard to follow either. Edward seemed to know exactly where he was going, despite the darkness. After about ten minutes, we came to a metal fence. He leapt onto it and sat on the top bar, reaching a hand down to me. Without hesitation, I took it. He easily pulled me up, and I thought for a moment that he must be really strong to easily pull a girl my size over a fence. Then, I could finally see a break in the trees, and saw the clear midnight sky with the moon shining brightly.

"Just up ahead,' he whispered back to me. When we broke through the trees, my breath left my lungs. The beach was illuminated by nothing but the moon, full and luminescent. It reflected off the wide-span of ocean, that seemed to go on forever into the night. Edward gently tugged me down to the beach and we both sat down near the water.

"This place is amazing," I said, my voice feeling too loud for the night. "Where are we?" I asked.

"This is the Maidstone Beach. It belongs to the club." He said it very nonchalantly.

With a curious glance, I asked, "If this is private property, then aren't we trespassers?" Surprisingly, that didn't bother me. I couldn't suppress a laugh.

He smiled. "You have a nice laugh," he said, then quickly added, "my family belongs to the club. So it's technically not trespassing." We continued to stare at the soft waves rolling in and out.

"Isn't the club closed right now?"

He gave me a sly side glance. "Shh. I've been coming here at night since I was little. It's not as beautiful when rich kids and businessmen are crowding the beach."

"I can imagine." Actually, I couldn't. I've never been to the beach. I've never really been out of Manhattan before. The West Side has been my home for four years.

The sounds of the waves filled the night. In the sky, the stars shone so brightly, you'd never get a view like that in the city with all the lights. Each star seemed to be it's own sun, or like our moon had several of it's own. I could hear Edward breathing slowly next to me. When I glanced to my left, I saw him laid back in the sand with his eyes closed. I curled my knees into my chest and rested my chin on them, looking out into the ocean, the deepest shade of blue possible.

"Do you ever wish you could live here instead of in the city?" I asked. "It must be beautiful year-round." He kept his eyes closed.

"Sometimes," he sighed. "It's nice to get away from all the noise and bustle of the city. But the city is fun to perform in. I get little gigs here and there, and it's always so much fun. It's only crowded here during the summer and on weekends. Everyone usually abandons their Hampton homes for the city apartments when school starts. There are a few locals, but not very many."

The silence didn't need to be disturbed anymore by my fruitless questions. Feeling a bit curious, I stood up and started towards the water. I could feel Edward's eyes on me, but I didn't look back. Slipping off my sandals, I dipped my toes in the water. It didn't feel too cold. Maybe I needed a little more spontaneity in my life. Ignoring whatever logical thoughts were left in my mind, I pulled my shorts and t-shirt off, stepping into the water in my very expensive lingerie.

The water got a little chillier around my legs, but I pushed past it.

"Isn't it cold?" I heard Edward choke out behind me.

I turned and gave him a coy smile. "Nah. It's perfect for a swim." Turning around, I dove head-first into the water. It felt cold at first, but after moving my arms and legs around a bit, it felt luke-warm. When I poked my head out of the water, Edward was getting out of his shirt and jeans. He ran towards the water and leapt in with a cannon-ball. I started giggling.

He gasped when he came up for air. ""Perfect for a swim' my ass! This water is cold!" That sent me into another fit of laughter.

"You are such a girl!" I laughed and pointed at him. He grinned mischievously before reaching his hands on top of my head and dunking me under the water.

When I came up and gasped for air, I splashed him. "What? It's true! Guys aren't supposed to complain about the damn water. I bet you are so spoiled with your heated pool water."

He conceded with a grin. "Well, yeah. One time, Alice got impatient after waiting for the water to heat up and left it. The next morning, you could see the steam hovering over the water. We all leapt in and it felt like a hot-tub. Everyone was invited to a pool party that day."

"Why does that not surprise me about Alice? Impatient." I chuckled, floating on my back.

The water in my ears silenced the world. Drifting off into the ocean didn't sound that bad of an idea at the moment. Edward made excellent company, the moon made romantic lighting, the ocean made soothing sounds, and the silence was the icing on the cake. Everything about the night was perfect.

Edward.

She looked perfect. Her dancer legs stretched on and on, shortening as she slipped into the water, her subtle curves modest, her hair wavering softly in the gentle breeze. She fit into the midnight scene perfectly. Everything about her seemed perfect. Her soft voice as she whispered to me in the night, breaking when she filled the night with musical laughter. Her voice enchanted me. I'd never felt so emotionally inclined towards someone before. She awakened such vivacious feelings in me, emotions I never knew existed.

She floated in the water, entranced by the moon. Nothing phased her; not the cold water, the cool breeze, or just being in the vast ocean at night. She looked lost in thought.

After a while, I felt the obligation to pull her out of the trance.

"Bella," I tapped the water next to her, standing in the sand. She nearly jumped out of the water with wide eyes and I suppressed laughter. "We should probably head back before it gets too late."

She shook off the initial shock. "Oh, yeah, we probably should." She started swimming towards the shore that had drifted away from us as time passed. When we climbed onto the beach, she reached her clothes. "Could you face the other way?" She asked, a blush rising in her cheeks. "Running in wet under-clothes does not sound fun."

"Sure," I chuckled. I just slipped on my jeans and t-shirt over myself, figuring I'd change when we got back to the house. Being a guy, I couldn't help but steal a glance behind me, and didn't regret.

She was, without a doubt, absolutely the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. Her breasts had a soft, subtle curve to them, not the obnoxiously huge or rounded boobs girls tended to show off. Her thighs and lower curves were perfectly toned, and she had the most perfectly curved butt I'd ever seen. Her skin looked like silk with the way the moon lit it. I nearly sighed when she covered up her body with a big t-shirt and string-tie pajama pants.

She turned around, but didn't catch me peaking. "Okay, let's go."

I led the way back, her hand in mine, like on the way there. Our hands, strangely enough, fit together perfectly. Hers felt so small in mine, and slightly bony. She is so thin.

When we reached the house, we scaled the fence to her second story window and climbed back in. She took a deep breath and turned to me with a smile.

"Thank you for showing me that. It's beautiful. It's worth breaking the law to get that kind of scenery," she chuckled.

I grinned. "No problem. If you decide to come back, we can do it again." Her expression softened and looked rather hopeful.

"You'd bring me back?" She asked softly.

Her honesty in the question shocked me. "Of course! If you wanted to, of course. I would never push you into coming back if you felt uncomfortable at all." She smiled.

"Thank you. No one has ever really showed me so much kindness. It's…refreshing, to know that there's still people like you in the world." She looked relieved. She looked bashfully away. "Thanks again. I should really try getting some sleep. Alice deprived me of it earlier."

"Of course," I said, heading towards the bedroom door. "Good night Bella," I whispered back.

"Good night, Edward."


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: Here's the next chapter I said I'd publish! Okay, seriously, the reviews need to pick up. If I can get at least 10 reviews, I'll publish the next chapter. Yes, it's already written, so REVIEW. GRR. Anyways, I'm sick with a cold. Bleh. So I'm just sitting on my bedroom floor writing like a fiend. Cold's suck, by the way. Coughing spasms, sneezing 3 times in a row with icky stuff coming out, and a runny nose that is just relentless. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! **

**Chapter 6**

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"And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven _and eight!_" I shouted to the dancers. They barely managed to get the eight-count, but at least they got it. "Okay, let's run it again. You're still hesitating on the seven and eight." I pressed 'play' on the stereo and they ran the eight-count again. They eventually got it.

"Okay," I called out, "let's see the solos." Five people auditioned for solos, which included Alice, Rosalie, Mike, Ben, and Victoria. Alice, I didn't mind, it was the other four that gave me a headache. As was the typical rehearsal, they ran their solos, I critiqued, and then we continued on with group rehearsals. Our group worked hard, so getting the routines down wasn't' the problem, it was more of perfecting the routines.

Rosalie gave me her signiture glower at the end of rehearsal before walking out. Alice came bouncing up, as usual. "Are you coming to dinner with us tonight? We are going to the Shake Shack." _And get more fat on my thighs and hips? I don't think so. _

"No, thanks," I declined with mild sadness. "I'm supposed to get in touch with my mother tonight, and I don't want to miss her." It's the only legit excuse I could come up with on short notice. "Thank you, though. Maybe tomorrow." I packed up my stereo and put on my coat. Alice decided she'd walk me out.

"Edward will be disappointed that you're not coming. He claims to, 'enjoy' your 'company', which I think is just a softer way of saying, 'oh, God, she is gorgeous and I'd love to take her out on a date.'" Alice tended to be a tad-bit dramatic.

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Yeah, well, a) I'm not gorgeous, b) I'm not that fun to be around, and c) what makes you think he wants to take me out? He hasn't asked or pressed for it at all. I'm not getting that kind of vibe from him." In fact, he seemed more reserved around me than anyone else. We hugged each other when we met up for lunch or dinner, but never anything more than that.

She eyed me speculatively. "My brother is completely smitten with you. You'll see, he'll come up to you sometime very soon and ask you to be his girlfriend. Just wait."

"I thought you said I'd waited long enough?" I retorted.

She rolled her eyes. "I have to go meet Jasper. I'll see you tomorrow!" She waved goodbye and shot off for the music hall. While she went to dinner with her fiance and her gorgeous brother, I'd be in my dorm room, doing next week's homework and eating an organic granola bar. My body was probably so built up with toxins and preservatives that it contributes to my weight.

Instead of taking my usual elevator, I took the stairs…all ten flights of them. When I walked down the hall to my room, I saw Jake in the commons with several girls.

"Hey, Bella!" he called. I waved, but he insisted, "Come and sit with us!" I looked around and saw all the pizza and soda, then shook my head.

"Can't, I have to do homework, and I'm getting in touch with my mom tonight." He rolled his eyes and shooed me away, and I more than happily obliged. When I got into the room, I opened up my laptop, hoping to find an email from my mother or father, but no such luck. Instead, I got a jump start on the homework.

The homework proved to be more difficult than I thought. I couldn't focus to save my life. Instead of seeing the history homework, I imagined myself running, working out, getting exercise, anything but sitting here. I knew my mother wouldn't try to get in touch, so I put on some running gear and took the back staircase down as to avoid a run-in with Jake and his ho's.

The air outside definitely got cooler, and I knew fall was approaching. No more swimming in the ocean, that's for sure. Conserving energy, I walked the several blocks to Central Park and to the running track. Once I got there, I plugged in the ear-buds and started running.

While I was running, I could imagine myself with Edward. I loved the way his hand fit around mine so perfectly, like puzzle pieces. Or how when he smiled at me, I couldn't see the same smile anywhere else. He had special tendencies that he kept between him and myself: stopping by after my private dance sessions with a dinner invitation, giving me a call or sending me a text to see how I'm doing, meeting up for lunch discussing new plans for the weekend. He never shared his feelings with anyone else, and I felt special.

He deserves perfect, and I would give it to him. My body, which could easily be mistaken as a tub of lard, would be sharpened and chiseled to perfection, into that perfect somebody who could stand next to him and look like they belonged next to that angel, that Adonis reincarnate. I would put Pygmalion to shame.

With that thought, I ran with a new fury. My heart pounded in my chest and my breath came quick and short. The exhilaration coursing through my body felt amazing. Maybe I should go running more often.

Looking at the time, I decided to head back to the dorm, figuring that if I missed curfew, I'd end up having to sprint to the East Side. Jake was passed out in the commons, drunk off his ass. I giggled at the sight of him half on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka in his hand.

Jake and I's friendship is like a joke. He's popular, loves to party, and thoroughly enjoys his one-night-stands. I became his pet project. My self-isolations, my anti-social tendencies, and my romantic standards made Jake look at me like a challenge. In some ways, he succeeded. If it weren't for him, I would've never gone out on any of my birthdays, I wouldn't have made it through my freshman year, and I certainly wouldn't have been so accepting of the Cullens. My suspicious nature made me keep most people at a distance. Fear made me question motives for friendship, so I never bothered with it. With the Cullens, everything seemed natural. Like fate told me to be friends with them.

When I finally got back to my dorm room, I checked my voicemail and my email. No emails, but I had a couple of voicemails. One from Alice, the other from Edward.

"Hey! It's Alice! I was right; Edward was bummed. Moped through dinner. Pretty moody, actually. Anyway, we were wondering if you wanted to join us again and come to East Hampton. We're leaving tomorrow right after rehearsals. We'll get in late, but we'll have all Saturday, and we'll be coming back Sunday night rather than in the morning. Call me back if you agree! Bye!" Her messages always sounded so peppy and high-strung. Was she always high on sugar?

I moved onto the next message. "Hey, it's Edward. Sorry you couldn't come with us tonight. Rosalie and Emmett joined us. You would've loved Emmett, he's a riot, even if he does get on everyone's nerves. You might've seen Rosalie in a good mood if you came. Anyway, we are leaving for East Hampton tomorrow. Just wondering if you wanted to come. Call me back. Bye." Was that an underlying tone in his voice? Dare I say, hope? And Alice was right, he did sound kind of mopey.

So I called him back.

"Hello?" A melancholy voice answered.

"Edward?" I clarified, not being able to identify the voice.

"Bella!" He cheered. "Hey, do you want to come with us to East Hampton this weekend?"

"Actually," I chuckled at his abrupt change in mood, "That's why I'm calling. I'd love to join you tomorrow, but I have rehearsals until five-thirty, so if we can take the six o'clock train, that'd be great."

"Sure. Jasper and I can just wait up for you and Alice. Um, Rosalie and Emmett are actually joining us, but I'm sure Rosalie will be on her best behavior." My smile wavered, but the thought of spending another weekend with Edward brightened up my view.

"Oh," I said, trying not to portray my distaste, "Well, that's fine. I mean, it's her home, not mine. Besides, we can't just avoid each other for the rest of our lives if two of her siblings are my friends," I flinched when I said 'friends.'

Edward paused for a second. "Yeah," he said, almost to himself, "Well, we're meeting at the apartment right after to pack-up, well, except for Rose. She lives with Emmett. But we'll meet them at Penn. So, I'll see you tomorrow?" He almost started to babble, which made me chuckle.

"Absolutely."

"Okay, well, then, bye," he said awkwardly.

"Bye."

After I hung up, I flopped back to the bed, clutching the cell to my chest. I wished more than anything he would just ask me on a date, to be his girlfriend, anything. I just wanted him to say that he liked me more than a friend. For over a week it's been like this; ignoring every spark, shock, and any other indication that fate was sewing our lives together. Talk about a terrible stitching job.

When I stepped into the bathroom to take a shower, I stared at myself in the mirror, I wondered if Edward ever _could _love--_like_--me. I pinched my hip, waist, thighs, they jiggled and flubbed. Talk about grotesque. Ignoring the sight, I slipped into the shower and let the hot water relax my muscles.

Edward may not be perfect, but he was perfect for me. He accepted my beliefs, understood that I had trust issues, and despite my high walls, he climbed over and got to know me. He made life more exciting than it had ever been for me. His smile dazzled me, his touch electrified me, his eyes entranced me, and his embrace captured my heart.

I never really understood the novels where the heroine fell in love with two men and couldn't, for the life of her, chose one. Like she had two part of herself that she couldn't chose between. Like being torn between two different worlds, but connected by a fine and fragile thread. Now I understood. For my entire life, dance has been my one and only love. Then I discovered Edward. Did I love him? I didn't know just yet. But I knew there was something more than friendship, and I didn't have to chose between him and dance because he understood how I felt. All my life people have walked out on me, and I couldn't bear having to watch another person walk out, so I rarely let people in. It felt refreshing to let someone in and have them stay.

But letting myself hope would only induce a pain so great I avoided it at all costs. So I dismissed any thoughts of Edward for the moment, and slipped into comfy 'jamas. Then straight for the stiff bed.

When I walked into the rehearsal room mid-afternoon, most of the crew busied themselves stretching. While I set up the stereo, they got in place for the initial run-through.

Public speaking was never my thing, but ask me to teach, and I'm your girl. "Okay, so just a couple announcements. Now that we got most of the routines down, we really need to hammer down on perfecting them. Instead of dancing full-time, half our week will be helping out the art department with the sets." A couple of groans resounded through the back. "Complainers can take a hike." They quieted. "So with that in mind, please feel free to practice on your own, be dedicated dancers and write down the routines, and come to me if you need review or have any questions. Okay, let's run through it." I pulled off the sweatshirt, pressed play, and quickly joined the group.

Just before the last run-through, Edward, Jasper, and a huge bulky guy came in and stood near the door. I assumed the big bulky guy was Emmett.

"Looks as if we have an audience," I said. "Now you don't have an excuse to suck just because you're tired." The group laughed, and I saw mike narrow his eyes at the guys. As I went to go press play, Edward grinned and winked at me. He knew how to put a smile on my face.

We ran through all the group sequences, and the guys looked entertained, which is always the main goal. Everyone from the group looked exhausted. All except Alice and Rosalie who went flying into their men's arms.

"Rosie! You looked amazing!" He lifted her as far as his arms could stretch up and brought her down for a hearty kiss. That must've been the first time I saw her smile. Her eyes widened in excitement rather than narrowed with hatred. Alice leapt onto Jasper and clung to him like a monkey. He laughed and held her tightly, not having a full-on make-out session like Rosalie.

Once again, Edward and I were the odd-balls. I quickly put my sweats back on and packed up my things. "Hey Edward," I greeted, pulling him into a friendly hug. He held onto me a little longer than usual, but I didn't think anything of it.

"Hey Bella," he smiled at me. "Did you choreograph all of that?" He asked in astonishment.

"Well, duh," I scoffed. "It's _my _showcase and _I _have to choreograph it…well, except for the solos. For those I just give suggestions and critique." Rosalie shot me a glare and I stiffened. Was I gloating? Woops.

"Well, it looked amazing. I thought I'd just point that out." I laughed and nudged him with my elbow.

"Gee, thanks. We just started, so it's not exactly performance ready." The big, burly guy finally let go of Rosalie and noticed me for the first time.

"So you must be the Bella that Edward won't shut up about," he stuck out his hand, which looked massive. "Hi, I'm Emmett, his older brother." He smiled big and cheesy.

Suppressing laughter, I blushed and said, "Nice to meet you, and yes, I'm Bella." I turned and looked at Edward curiously. He just looked the other way, pretending like something caught his attention. I chuckled. "We should probably get going if we're going to make the train."

Alice took up arms with me and pulled me out of the room. "Yes!" she squealed. "Esme promised to take us shopping this weekend! Normally she's too busy with a project, but this week she swore her schedule was clear. She is so much fun to shop with! You'll see." She bantered about Esme's 'shopping intuition' that helped her know what looked good on everyone.

We made a quick-stop at my dorm to pick up my duffel bag and laptop case. Rosalie looked extremely annoyed with the stop, but everyone, including Emmett, ignored her. Alice, Jasper, Edward and I took one cab while Rosalie _insisted _on taking a separate one for her and Emmett. Either she hated me that much or she just needed some private time with Emmett. Their relationship seemed very physical.

Alice immediately started complaining. "God," she gasped, "Is there a stick up her but or something? She's being such a bitch!" She looked appalled at her soon-to-be sister-in-law's behavior.

Edward agreed. "If there _is _a stick up her butt, it's sideways."

"Jesus Christ, remove stick from butt," Jasper muttered.

"See!" Alice exclaimed with wide eyes, pointing to her fiance. "Even sweet ole Jasper can't help but say something! And that's saying something!" We all started giggling. Alice didn't realize what was so funny. "What?"

"No shit saying something is saying something, Alice!" I gasped through my laughter. "You're just being a tad-bit redundant."

She frowned for a second then started laughing. Good-natured humor.

When we finally got to the Hamptons around eight, we were still hyped up. Emmett joined in on the fun, but Rosalie kept a distance from me. On the car ride back to the house, Emmett started singing, "Every party needs a pooper and that's why we invited you-ooo!" Alice joined in and left Edward and I laughing. I think I even saw her crack a smile and smacked Emmett in the arm. He completed her. Anyone who had eyes could see that.

When we pulled up to the familiar white house, Everyone jumped out of the taxi. Emmett paid the guy while the rest of us went ahead inside. Esme and Desmond were busying themselves in the kitchen.

She looked up and spotted Rose. "Rose!" She pulled her into an embrace. "It's been too long! You and Emmett need to find more time to come and visit us."

Rosalie smiled at Esme, "I know, Emmett and I have just been swamped between school, work, and planning the wedding. I promise it won't be so long again."

Esme turned to the rest of us. "Well, I turned the pool heater on. We will be having dinner on the back porch soon, so feel free to go for a swim."

Alice grinned devilishly before turning to grab my hand and practically dragged me up the stairs. When she pulled me into her bedroom, she slammed her door shut, locked it, and then ran to pull a shopping bag out of her armoir.

"Jesus, Alice!" I cried, "What is up with you?" She pulled out the contents of the bag. "No."

She pouted. "Please? Do it for Edward!"

"No." I crossed my arms over my chest. She would not budge me on this.

She stared thoughtfully at the blue, skimpy bikini. She sighed submissively and looked at me with the most heart wrenching expression. "Please, Bella? This suits your figure perfectly! Edward will be blown away and Rosalie will be so jealous."

"What is your deal with me and Edward? And I have no intentions of making Rosalie jealous. She's pissed enough as it is." That bikini looked terrifying.

A spark went off in Alice's mind. She raised an eyebrow at me. "Want to know how much I paid for it? Out of my own pocket?"

_Shit. _

"No." I said stubbornly.

"Eight-thirty-five." I gulped. "This is Pucci. Esme and I will be so disappointed if you don't wear it." The puppy dog pout took on a whole new meaning. Alice is the master of the puppy pout.

"Esme has seen it?" I asked, blushing.

She rolled her eyes. "Do you think Esme would've let me bought this unless she saw it first? Of course she's seen it! And she's really looking forward to seeing you in it." I could feel myself caving, but I couldn't accept it just yet. I stared at the skimpy thing that was hardly a swimsuit, and finally just closed my eyes and held my hand out. Alice squealed and shoved the suit into my hands. "Yay! You'll be surprised, Bella. It's a very nice swim-suit." She pushed me into her bathroom and I stared at the door for a moment before slipping off my sweats. I will never take them for granted ever again.

To my pleasant surprise, the swimsuit actually didn't look as bad as I thought. The shade of blue reflected nicely off my alabaster skin, and thankfully, it covered enough. The only thing I felt shy about was the damn muffin-toppers. Sighing, I stepped out of the bathroom.

Alice sat there with her jaw on the floor for a moment before shaking her head. "If Edward doesn't ask you out by tonight, he will be hearing an earful from me." She dressed herself in a simple black but sensual Michael Kors bikini. She slipped on some sandals and threw a pair at me. We grabbed towels from the hall closet on the way down.

Esme smiled wide when she saw us. "Everyone is already in the pool. That swimsuit looks dashing on you, Bella, if I do say so." This family knew how to make me blush.

"Thanks," I mumbled, fiddling with a strand of hair.

Alice scoffed. "Stop looking so modest. You look sexy as hell, now let's get in the pool." She pushed open the screen door to the back patio and forced me to put everything on a lounge chair. She took my hand and made a bee-line for the pool. Emmett, who was busy splashing Rosalie and everyone, looked up just as we were mid-air and tried to block the huge wave that was just about to swallow him, but the damage was done.

When Alice and I resurfaced, everyone was soaked. Emmett started howling in laughter.

"How can two tiny girls make a huge wave like that?" He held up his hand for a high-five for me, "Great hang-time!" I smacked his hand. Edward's jaw looked like it was still floating in the pool.

The pool felt like a luke-warm bath, and we all relaxed into it. After two games of "Marco-Polo," five rounds of "Chicken," (Emmett insisted a rematch after Edward and Jasper whooped his butt), we settled in the lounge chairs, waiting for Esme to come out with dinner. Alice turned on the radio to a song that we all knew.

"Come on! Bella, I know you know this dance! Let's see it!" I sunk deep into my chair. She started bouncing next to me. Everyone except Rosalie started cheering. I blushed madly.

"Does this torture ever end?" I moaned.

"Nope," she popped, pulling me out of the chair. "C'mon, I'll do it with you." I stood up.

She seemed to rethink her decision. "Shit, there's no routine for the verses, are there?" I laughed.

"C'mon, we've got enough dance moves we can come up with." "Jai ho" is a popular song amongst the dancers, and we often just jammed to it in our spare time. Alice and I circled our hips sensually, and sunk into the choreography for the chorus. I couldn't stop the smile that spread over my face, and neither could Alice, only her smile looked more like a smirk. Until I saw the expression on Edward's face, I didn't understand why. It was a fun, bouncy beat and we both had fun putting on the show. Personally, I think the Juilliard can perform the dance more fluidly than the Pussycat Dolls. They made the dance look so choppy and unrehearsed.

Emmett got up and started dancing, twirling his hips, and making a fool out of himself. Even Rosalie giggled at the sight of Emmett trying to shake his booty like Beyonce. Alice and I started laughing and struggled to dance. Emmett looked so serious. I can understand why Rosalie loved him. He tried catching on to the routine, but failed epically.

When the song ended, we were all laughing. Emmett was gasping for air, looking worn out.

"I make the human body my life's work, but I never knew how many muscles were in my butt." He tipped us off like a soldier. "I officially hold a higher respect for dancers."

"And you didn't before?" Rosalie retorted with a smile and an eye-roll. He went to Rosalie and smothered her with sloppy kisses. She tried pushing him away, but he went on his own accord.

"Dinner!" Esme called.

When we all settled into our seats, and Carlisle joined us, Esme began the discussion over baked rigatoni and steamed broccoli.

"My, I didn't know you could dance without your ballet slippers on," she joked.

"If it weren't for Alice, you'd still be in the dark." Everyone chuckled and Alice smiled broadly.

"But you are so entertaining!" Esme protested. "Why you would want to hide that kind of talent is beyond me. Do you know what you are doing after you graduate?" She took a bite of rigatoni and waited for my answer.

With Rosalie at the table, I didn't want to say much since I didn't know if she received any opportunities. I kept my answer vague. "Well, my plans aren't really set in stone yet. I planned to dance with a company for a few years before starting my own dance studio. I love teaching. During the summer, I teach camps at the school." Remembering the little kids made me smile. So much personality in such a small body.

Esme glowed. "Really? That's sounds like a fantastic plan. Do you want to dance with a touring company, or something like the New York Ballet?"

I shrugged, "Well, they did offer, but I'm not sure if I want to tour yet. The American Ballet Theater also offered, so I'm just keeping my options open." I did settle on the New York Ballet, but they didn't need to know. Trying to alter the attention, I glanced down the table at Alice and Rosalie. "What are you guys planning on doing?"

Alice piped up first. "Well, after Jasper chooses which symphony he wants to perform with, I'll dance there. Or try to, at least." With her talent, I'm sure she could go anywhere. That goes for Rosalie, too.

Speaking of, "Well, I accepted an invitation from the New York Ballet." My heart sunk into my stomach. "I couldn't really go anywhere else since Emmett's gym is here, and I won't go anywhere without him." She took his hand and they gazed at each other with love-filled eyes. An aching feeling in my chest made me want to cringe, but I repressed the feeling.

"Congratulations," I said to her. She nodded in acknowledgement, she smiled with a hint of smirk. She didn't realize that I also received the same invitation. "What are you doing after graduation?" I asked Edward.

He shrugged. Carlisle gawked. "Edward! C'mon, there's no need to be modest about it," he turned to me. "He is touring with Yo-Yo Ma for a year through Europe. You should've seen him when Yo-Yo Ma came up to him at the end of last year's concert and asked him. You would've thought he'd gone into cardiac arrest." He chuckled.

My head whipped around to Edward. "I had no idea," he kept his focus on his plate. "Why didn't you tell me? That's amazing!"

"Why didn't you tell everyone that you accepted the invitation by the New York Ballet?" Alice retorted. The blood drained from my face.

"I'm still considering touring," I said weakly. Rosalie looked red. With anger.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Please, Perron can't stop gloating about how two of his students were accepted by the New York Ballet. Seriously, who else would it be?"

"_Accepted_," I emphasized, "I never said I agreed. It's a huge decision to make, Alice." I gave her a look that begged her to drop the subject. Fortunately, she caught the gist of it.

With an eye roll, she said, "Whatever. I think we all know that you'll dance with them, though." She took several quick bites. "Jasper, have you heard from any symphonies yet?" The conversation drifted over to Jasper and how he thought about playing in Chicago. I silently picked at my food, not meaning to be rude, but trying not to look fat when I had a bathing suit on.

After skipping desert, I retired to my room. I turned on my laptop, hoping for some sort of news from my mother, but nothing.

A knock on the door startled me.

"Come in," I called. I was a little taken aback when Edward walked in and shut the door behind him. "Hey," I greeted with surprise.

"Hey," he smiled. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked around before setting his eyes on me. It made me self conscious. I wrapped my arms around me protectively. "You look amazing in that suit."

"Thanks," I said bashfully. "What's up?"

His smile wavered. "Why were you so hell bent on dropping the conversation about you? Even I know that you already agreed to sign on with the New York Ballet. Alice informed me the moment she found out. Is it because of Rose?" He demanded. I shrugged. He sighed. "So what if you and Rose are going to dance for the same ballet? It doesn't matter."

I blanched. "Of course it matters!" I exclaimed. Then lowering my voice. "She's always so mad because she's convinced I upstage her in everything, but we are equals. She refuses to accept that. I didn't want to ruin her moment." She looked so happy that she'd done something I hadn't. Then Alice went and ruined it. "And why didn't you tell me about touring with the most famous cellist ever?" I shot back. "That's bigger than dancing with the New York Ballet. You could record an album, see all the big cities. That's exciting! Staying in New York isn't exactly a thrilling experience."

He fiddled with his fingers and looked contemplative. "Well, I'm not one-hundred percent positive I want to go with him. And I told him that," he defended. "My parents don't know, but, I'm going to wait until graduation to make a decision."

"And what will be the determining factor for that decision?" When his eyes looked up to mine, my heart thumped eratically in my chest.

"Bella," he started awkwardly, "I'm sure Alice has already expressed this in many ways to you, she's nosy that way," he rolled his eyes jokingly, but I focused on my heart, "but what I really want, is to try and work out a relationship with you." Shit. Did my heart just stop? The way his eyes looked when he gazed at me expressed something very tender.

"So," I drew out after a few moments of silence, "you're saying that if we develop a close enough relationship, you'd stay?" He nodded. "You're asking me to be your girlfriend?"

"That's the gist of it, yes."

Shaking my head, I told him, "I shouldn't keep you from that kind of opportunity. I think you should take that offer no matter what."

"Are you saying no?" He asked, trying to suppress disappointment.

"Will you take the offer?" I asked.

"If I take it will you say yes?" His eyes looked hopeful.

"Yes."

"Then I will take the offer." He proclaimed.

"Then I will go out with you."

"EEEK!" Alice came barging in, jumping up and down then enveloping Edward and I in a hug. "Finally!" She gasped, giggling. "I thought you'd never man up and ask."

She took a step back, still bouncing on her toes. Edward's hand found mine and said, "Yeah, well, I couldn't exactly resist asking after seeing her today." I blushed, but held onto his hand.

"Aw," Alice cooed, "You're so sweet," she winked conspicuously at me and I rolled my eyes in a dramatic fashion. Alice was right. Alert the media. "And just in my opinion, I think mom and dad would be really disappointed if you didn't go on that tour."

"I agree," I said. He threw his hands up.

"It was an option! If things are really going to go somewhere, then I'd want to stay here with Bella. A year is a long time." I could hear the warning, but I dismissed it.

"Whatever," Alice said, still glowing. "I'm just so glad you're officially together!" She squealed again and went skipping out of the room yelling down the stairs, "Guess what Edward finally did?"

"She's rather exuberant, isn't she?" I asked, chuckling.

"She wouldn't be Alice if she wasn't." His attention came back to me. The confidence he showed with me was borderline cocky, but that gave me hope that things could work. "So you really want to go out with me?"

_My heart certainly tells me to. _"Yes," I said with no hesitation. "If you can accept the extensive list of problems that come with me then I don't see how this couldn't work out." I gave his hand a little squeeze. "You already know of most of them."

He chuckled. "I certainly do. But I don't think they will really be in the way." He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm going to let you get some rest. You are in for a long day of shopping." He stood up and made way for the door.

"And what will you be doing while your mother and sister play Bella Barbie?" He chuckled at the name.

"Tennis at the club with Dad, Jasper, and Emmett. That should be rather interesting." Just before he shut the door, he said, "Good night, Bella."

"Good night Edward." After he closed the door, I fell back onto the bed, grabbed a pillow, and rolled around, trying to suppress a squeal of happiness.

_Edward Cullen is your boyfriend! Edward Cullen is your boyfriend! _The phrase repeated like a mantra in my head. Edward Cullen wanted me as a girlfriend. He liked me. He was willing to give up a European tour to stay with me. How perfect could he be? I could tell from the first two minutes of being in a relationship that we were in this for the long haul. Nothing could get in the way.


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N: well, every author has their fluke, I guess this is mine. 3 reviews. At least ten author and story alerts. So those of you who put me on your alert list but don't review are leeches. feeding off the livelihood of the community. you have to give back. so REVIEW! I'm just posting the chapters as they come. i'm not a quitter, so i'm finishing the story. REVIEW. **

**Chapter 7

* * *

**

And so the cycle continued. Every weekend, Edward, Alice, Jasper and I escaped to the Hamptons. Rosalie stayed with Emmett, occasionally joining us. Despite Alice being a constant distraction at school, work got done, for both my showcase and the production. The production was coming up sooner than my showcase, which brought me stress, but the weekends kept the weight off my shoulders.

Over the course of two months, Edward's mother, Esme, and I have become extraordinarily close. She was a woman open to many things. Nothing surprised her, other than my lack of family history. When Alice went out and Edward went golfing with his father, Esme took me around town, sometimes even buying me something special.

One day around town, we stopped at a J Crew store. She picked out a pair of pants for me to try. "Oh, these would look lovely on you at the beach. You could wear it with my white and blue cardigan. Please try it on," she held the white crop pants out to me.

"Esme," I groaned, "you already bought me a dress for Alice and Jasper's engagement party. You don't need to buy me a pair of pants." Especially when I probably couldn't even fit into the cardigan. Esme was so tiny compared to me. I didn't even want to go down that road.

She waved me off. "Don't be absurd. Try them on," she shoved the pants into my hands and pushed me into a dressing room.

Sighing, I removed my jeans and caught a glance at myself in the mirror.

_Oh, God! Where did all that come from? _In the mirror, I saw the biggest love-handles on the face of the earth, which would probably turn into a muffin-topper with the pants on. They were a size two. Esme must be a size zero. Too scared to try them on, I pretended like I did.

"Esme, these don't really fit my shape right," I claimed, throwing the pants over the door eagerly. "Besides, it's getting rather cold out. Maybe we shouldn't be looking at spring stuff." I pinched my hips. Ew. All this skin came between my fingers and I felt severely grossed out.

Esme sighed. "Alright then. I could've sworn these would've been perfect for you. Maybe I'm losing my touch." She mumbled to herself as she walked away from my dressing room. I just stared at myself in the mirror.

From inside my purse, my phone buzzed. I checked it: an email…from my long lost mother.

_Isabella,_

_You are the most selfish child I have ever known, and I am ashamed to call you my daughter. Is this how I raised you? To never think of others? Phil and I are leaving, and no, we will not be attending your showcase. I hope you have fun putting on a show with two empty front row seats, knowing why we aren't sitting there. Have you noticed how tiny all those dancers are? You are at least four inches over the height recommendations, and at least two times over the weight recommendation. You will never fit in. I bet everyone else goes and visits their family. All except you, who has abandoned the family. _

_Renee_

No matter how many times I read the email over, the words never changed. They remained on the screen. I'm not sure if it was from staring at the screen without blinking for a long period of time, or if it was because of the words on the screen that tears started falling down my cheeks.

My mother hated me. She despised me. My own mother disregarded me as a daughter. I am not her daughter anymore. Am I officially estranged from my mother? Am I emancipated, or is that just for minors? At any case, my mother hates me, and wants nothing more to do with me. What do you do when your family doesn't want you to exist? Do you listen to them? Or do you try to change it?

"Bella?" Esme knocked on the door. "Bella, are you still in there?"

"I'll be right out," I called, no hint of my tears in my voice. I stared at the screen for a moment longer before throwing the phone back into my purse. I quickly wiped away any traces of tears and smiled at Esme. "Maybe we should start looking at sweaters."

When we got back to the house, I went straight to my designated room. I threw my bags on the bed and headed straight for the bathroom. Without making much noise, I stripped all my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror.

_My, God, she's right. _My thighs, that I thought were toned, were just flub. They looked as if they could touch at any moment, and I cringed. I scrutinized my thighs, looking at a line that looked like a stretch mark. A stretch mark. A stretch mark at the age of 22. Tears welled in my eyes as I continued to examine myself from head to toe. My arms had no muscle, my butt had cellulite, and my knees had a little fat on them. Where the hell had my toned legs gone?

Searching through some of the cabinets, I pulled out a scale. When I stepped on it, my heart stopped.

In bright blue numbers, it read: 110

I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I was officially an elephant. How could Edward tolerate being seen with me? He says I'm perfect just the way I am, but how can he say that when I look like a cow? I can't show up at school, all the girls will stare at my thighs. I can't go shopping, I'll feel terrible about myself.

I'm changing it. My mother will accept me. Edward won't be embarrassed being with me, I can join Alice, shopping in the size zeros, I can show up at school and fit in, and everyone will notice me.

Then a thought hit me: my mother is right. I do not meet the recommendations for dancer stature. Would I allow a little thing such as weight keep me from my dream? Hell no. This is what I worked my entire life for. I will not give it up over something that I can change for the better. No one, not even my remaining family, can keep me from being the kick-ass dancer I knew I was. I would lose the weight. I would be a world renown dancer and damn it, nothing could stop me.

"Bella?" Edward called from downstairs. "Desmond says dinner is ready."

_NO. No food. _"I'm not feeling well, I think I'll pass and rest for a bit," I lied smoothly.

"Do you need me to get you anything from the pharmacy?" He asked, sounding concerned.

_Some diuretics and diet pills,_ "No, I'm fine, thank you."

I heard them chatter and banter downstairs, and figured it'd be okay to do a little workout. I got on the floor and did everything from crunches to leg-lifts. I felt sore after, but pain is weakness leaving the body. I did lunges across the room, push-ups, pilates exercises, anything that would burn the fat and calories.

Time must've gone by faster than usual, because I soon heard voices outside my door.

"Alice!" Edward chided, "Leave her alone. She doesn't feel well. Let her sleep." A pang of guilt hit my chest as I realized he believed my lie. Why did I have a feeling there would be more of them to come?

"Jeez! Fine! Over-protective much? Jasper, let's go." Feet shuffled outside my door, and I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. I continued with my little workout.

When I heard everyone retire for the evening, I slipped on my sweats and tennis shoes and silently slipped out onto the roof, which had been a routine with Edward and I, but tonight, I went solo. As quietly as I could on a gravel driveway, I ran down to the main road, then started running.

Little exercises wouldn't suffice. If I really wanted to burn fat and calories, then I needed a rigid cardio workout. So I ran around East Hampton into the wee hours of the night. I ran in circles, my mother's words ringing in my ears like high pitched bells that wouldn't shut up. Rosalie's stares burned into my mind, and I wanted nothing more than to have Edward rest his hands on a tiny waist. I ran with a new spark, a new determination.

For the longest time I just ran. I thought of nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing but the concrete meeting my feet every second, and heard nothing but my heart pounding in my ears. My mind went elsewhere as my body responded to everything for me.

I saw the sun on the horizon and sprinted as fast as I could back to the house, despite how exhausted I felt. My drive lasted until I got back into the room through the window and hit the bed. I fell to it, breathing so heavily my chest hurt. Not wanting to take a break, I got up and jumped into the shower. The cold water felt good on my heated skin. The cold water helped because my body burned more calories by working harder to keep it at a regular body temperature. After I got out of the shower, I stretched, not wanting to lose my flexibility for dance.

The sun rose higher in the sky, and eventually, someone knocked on my door.

"Bella?" Edward called softly. "Are you up?" I jumped up from the bed and answered the door.

He was still dressed in his pajamas: a t-shirt and flannel pants, and I stood there in yoga pants and a tight t-shirt. He smiled at me.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, cupping my cheek with his hand.

The pang in my chest thumped again, taking his hand from my face and holding it in mine. "Much better. After I got some rest, I felt okay." He frowned and I wondered what was wrong.

"Maybe you should get more," he recommended, reaching his hand to my face. "You have bags under your eyes." He wiped his thumb under my eyes.

_With 8 hours of sleep, your body will feel rested and burn more calories during the day. _"Maybe tonight I'll get some more sleep." He nodded and stared into my eyes for a moment. He smiled.

"Do you want to get some breakfast before we leave? The train gets here at ten. It's eight now." _No food. _His question sounded innocent enough, but no way was I wasting all that exercising I did.

"No thanks," I said, "my stomach still feels a little queasy from last night." He hugged me and I gave a gentle squeeze back.

"I'm just glad you're feeling better. I'll meet you downstairs when you're ready."

Edward cared for me. A lot. He comforted me when Rosalie decided to be bitchy, he laughed at my dumb jokes, he openly expressed his feelings for me in front of everyone, and never seemed embarrassed by me. He often looked rather proud, but somehow, I doubted it. How can he care for a cow? How can he not be embarrassed by a tub of lard?

Alice and Jasper came out of hiding an hour later and fixed breakfast while I was curled up in Edward's arms in the family room, watching an Andy Warhol documentary. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice fix some toast and pick up an apple. She was so lucky she had a great figure. She was so tiny, such a perfect dancer. Maybe I could be as small as her.

I stayed silent on our way back to the city. Edward acknowledged my silence, but didn't press for anything. Occasionally, I'd pick up my phone and take a look at my mother's message. By the time we arrived at Penn Station, I must've read it a hundred times. As usual, they paid for my taxi back to the dorms, and I got out. When I reached my room, I quickly changed into running clothes and walked back out.

For the second time in one day, I went running. I circled central park until I felt completely out of breath. No one noticed me, so I took a trip to a small little health store on the East Side. There, I purchased a scale and some low-calorie foods: apples, celery, and some vegetables. When I got back to the dorm, it was well past six.

I collapsed into the bed I loathed, due to the fact I was so used to the comforting tempurpedic mattress in my room with the Cullens. Then I remembered all my homework and got up again, getting to work on my laptop.

When I finished with all my work, I glanced at the clock: ten. Deciding to go to bed, I took a cold shower and scrubbed myself thoroughly. _There is two pounds of dead skin on your body and your body burns more calories in the cold water trying to keep it at a regular temperature. _

In the shower, I scrubbed my skin furiously, trying to count the number of calories I consumed today. None. Good. If I kept this up, I could be a size zero by the showcase, and my thighs won't jiggle when I leap or anything. And Edward can embrace a beautiful, thin, perfect girl at the end of the show. That day will be perfect. My senior year will be complete: make great friends, get with a great guy, make my mark on Juilliard with my showcase, and impress all the professional ballets. I will be perfect. Rosalie won't have everything anymore. I will. She will have a legit reason to be jealous of me, not that petty jealousy she felt towards me for kicking her ass at auditions.

With that thought, I turned off my shower and stepped onto the scale: 108. Well, that's getting somewhere.

Just before my head hit the pillow, my cell-phone rang. Warily glancing at the ID, I breathed in relief when I saw Edward's name.

"Good evening," I greeted as cheerily as possible.

"Good evening. Did you know that when I got home today, there were two tickets to the symphony in my mail?" He asked. I smiled at the casualty.

"No, I did not know that." I didn't press further.

He sighed dramatically. "Unfortunately, Jasper is taking Alice out on the same night and can't join me. Would you like to come with me instead? I'm sure you'll make much better company."

"So I'm just the replacement? The last resort? The understudy?" I teased, trying to sound hurt.

He scoffed, "Well when you put it that way of course it's going to sound rude and terrible, but yes. I would like you to join me." He waited for my answer. I stayed silent, trying to make him squirm.

"Well, depends on what day it is," I said, sounding uncertain.

"This Friday night, seven o'clock at the Lincoln Center. Do you think you can make time in your booked schedule for little old me?" He inquired, sounding solemn.

"Somehow, I doubt you are little, and my last rehearsal on Friday ends at five, so I think I can make it."

Edward laughed at the first comment. "Wouldn't you like to know," he chuckled.

"I certainly would, but that's a matter for another time. What time should I plan on seeing you?"

There had been no official discussion about it, but the sex was being held off. We weren't prudes or anything, but we figured it'd be healthier to build an emotional relationship before a physical one. Beyond intense make-out sessions, nothing happened.

"I'll bring you back to my place after your rehearsal. I'm sure Alice will have something lovely for you to wear."

"No doubt in my mind she does. Will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, feeling hopeful. Edward knew how to make me feel good, and after a day like mine, I certainly need some cheering up…but he didn't need to know that.

"I can meet you up for lunch. What time does your last class end?"

"Two, but I have to be back by three-thirty for the showcase rehearsals. They go until six." I hoped he wouldn't take me anywhere with fatty foods.

"Well, that doesn't give us much time, does it? If that's the case, then why don't we just go back to my apartment for lunch?"

Alice decided she wanted to live with Jasper. Last week she officially moved out. She claimed that since she spent most of her time at Jasper's anyway that it would be more convenient to just move in with him. Edward wisely said it wasn't his place to stop her. So now there were two empty bedrooms in the apartment, leaving Edward by himself.

"Sounds good, but I better get to bed before my professors discover that I'm a real piece of work without a decent amount of sleep. Good-night Edward."

"Good night Bella. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay, bye." I turned off the phone for the night and collapsed onto my pillow, letting my self confidence sink into the uncomfortable mattress, wishing Edward's arms were around me to keep me in one piece.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay, so I have written up to chapter 13 and am about to start on chapter 14. The more you review, the quicker I post. So it's up to you if you want me to update. Just write something generic. **

**Chapter 8

* * *

**

"How does it look?" I asked Professor Perron. Today, Friday, was his first peek at my showcase. I wanted to solicit his advice. He thought deeply, and glanced at all the exhausted dancers. Throughout the run-throughs, he fixed little things here and there, keeping mostly to himself and taking mental notes. He gave suggestions occasionally, which I took into consideration. Personally, I felt like I wanted to collapse.

My crash diet, as I have now come to call it, has taken a toll on me. With the pressure on for finishing and perfecting the showcase, then practicing for the production, the diet was the only thing truly under my control. I felt tired all the time. Over the course of five days, I may have had nine-hundred calories, which resulted in 8 pounds lost, fortunately. I snapped at a couple of dancers messing around this week after I announced that Professor Perron would be coming in. Everyone knew I was nervous and stressed, and then they start screwing around on purpose. The nerve.

"It's perfect." He said simply. A weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I suddenly didn't feel tired anymore. He looked at me and said, "It's everything I hoped to see from you and your dancers. You have successfully exceeded all my expectations. The audience will be floored." He stood up and clapped a few times for the dancers. "Bravo," he announced. The dancers clapped. "I can't wait for the performance. I look forward to it eagerly." He waved goodbye and made an exit.

Alice came bouncing up to me. "Wow. That's one way to give a complement. Are you excited for the showcase?" She asked. Her bubbly and hyper attitude set me a little on edge.

"Could you stop bouncing?" I complained, she frowned, but stopped. "Anyway, yeah, I'm excited, nervous, and happy all at the same time. I just want to leave a lasting impression."

She patted me on the shoulder. "I have no doubt that you will, but I have to go get ready. Jasper is taking me someplace really special tonight, and I have to go get ready. I'll see you around." She pecked me on the cheek and skipped off.

Sighing and gathering up my strength, I started to pack up, ignoring the buzz coming from the dancers leaving. I put on a sweatshirt and black sweatpants; my way of disguising the tub of lard that is my body. I leaned back in the chair Perron sat in not five minutes ago and let my head roll back. I felt like my energy meter just plunged to zero. I threw my arm over my eyes, blocking out the light. Footsteps sounded from the door and stopped right in front of me.

"Have you seen my girlfriend?"

"Depends. Does your girlfriend look like shit?"

His hands rested on top of my thighs and rubbed gently. "No," he said. "She' the most gorgeous woman you will ever see. She looks beautiful even when she doesn't try. She has beautiful brown eyes. Do you think I could take a look at yours?" He removed my arm from my face and stared into my eyes. "Yup. Found her."

"Or just the remnants," I said.

"I take it the review was good?" He asked.

"What makes you say that?"

He shrugged. "Alice came bouncing down the hallway quoting that the showcase was, 'perfect.' So how come you look so down?" He ran his hand down my cheek.

I sighed and closed my eyes at his touch. "I'm just tired. It's been a long week. There's still a production to be perfected, which is difficult to do when you're working with Mike, I still need to talk with lighting for the showcase, work with the art department on the stage, and do sound checks. The production is in two weeks. The showcase is in four. Can you say 'stressed?'"

Edward leaned forward to give me a tender, languid kiss. He pulled a millimeter away and said, "I think a concert will cheer you up. We could relax all weekend and no one will bother us." Did I hear a suggestion in there? "How does that sound?"

"At this point, pretty unbelievable, but appealing." I leaned in for a kiss, but he pulled away with a smirk. I narrowed my eyes at him. Determined for my kiss, I leapt into his arms and pulled his face to mine. Not only did our hands fit perfectly, our lips felt pretty good put together.

When we finally stopped 'sucking face', as Alice often puts it, he furrowed his eyebrows. "Have you lost weight?" He asked. "You feel lighter."

_Hopefully eight pounds lighter. _"It's been a stressful week," I said, "I wouldn't be surprised, but I don't know."

He frowned. "Well, we can fix that with a lovely dinner at Amaranth, followed by a round of entertainment, then a relaxing evening at my place. Hopefully you'll be in a better mood by then." He kissed me before I could snap at his last comment.

He grabbed my backpack before I could and took my hand. Before we exited the building, he stopped. "Don't you have a coat? It's November in New York."

_Body burns more calories this way. _"No, I left it back at the dorm. I'll be fine," I assured him.

"You need to take better care of yourself," he mumbled, pulling me to his side.

I wrapped my arms around his waist as he hailed a taxi. "I think you just worry too much."

He opened the door for me and crawled in after. "Twenty-one East Seventy-second Street near Madison Avenue," he told the taxi.

"We're not stopping at the apartment?" I asked. He shook his head.

"No, we're just going as is." Nothing says classy like Victoria's Secret sweats.

The restaurant was small, and very easy going, despite it's price range. Edward ordered risotto with wild mushroom while I played it safe with a dry house salad. He eyed me and my choice, but I pretended not to notice. He offered his food to me several times, but I declined, saying the salad was more than enough. He finished while I still had half the bowl.

"Are you sure you don't want any desert? You didn't eat much," he said when the waiter came with the bill. I offered to pay, but Edward refused.

"I'm fine. Pay the bill before I do." He signed the receipt and we took another taxi back to the apartment.

The apartment felt a little empty ever since Alice left, but when we were here, we were too wrapped up in each other to really notice. Alice came by occasionally for dinner, but often went out with Jasper.

"I think Alice left something for you in the bedroom," he said as he put my things down in the foyer.

"Probably a dress," I said. When I walked into the room, there was an expensive looking garment bag that covered more than the length of the bed. When I unzipped it, my breath was cut short. "What a dress," I breathed. The oyster colored metallic silk dress was floor length with a gathered bust, sweetheart neckline, strapless, and a beaded natural waist. The label on the inside read in elegant script, "Carmen Marc Valvo." I assumed that was the name of the designer. Next to the bag was a note in Alice's handwriting.

_Thought you could use an evening gown. My guess is that Edward abandoned Jasper as a concert buddy. Congrats. You're the replacement. Don't ask what the price was, I won't tell you. This dress is classic and will serve you well. _

_Love Alice_

Not wanting to ruin the dress, I went into the bathroom to apply hair and makeup first. Being smart, I packed the hair and makeup bag in my backpack before leaving the dorm this morning. Since my hair looked askew with the rigid workouts today, I combed my hair and styled it into a low, casual bun that rested on the side of my neck with a side part. My makeup followed with the color scheme of the dress with shimmer pearl color eye shadow, a gold eye liner, and mascara.

When I slipped on the dress and looked in the mirror, I felt worthy of Edward. I felt like I could stand next to him and look like an equal, despite my weight. The dress slimmed my waist and hips, covered my thighs, and disguised my large butt. I picked up the medium box on the nightstand and my jaw dropped. Inside rested a necklace and bracelet made of small, elegant, and classy pearls. I snapped them on and took one last glance in the mirror. _Now that's classy. _

I slipped on the Jimmy Choo heels Alice left on the bed, grabbed the small metallic clutch and walked out into the family room, where Edward waited in a classic black suit and tie.

The expression on his face when he saw me made my heart skip a beat. He seemed to be in a love-daze, completely flabbergasted by the sight beholden to him. He stopped fidgeting with his blazer buttons and his tie as his hands fell to his sides. I smiled softly.

He snapped out of his daze and walked over me, putting his hands on my shoulders and examining the ensemble. He looked down at me with his towering height and said, "You look absolutely beautiful. You could make the stars jealous with how stunning you look." He gently grasped my face in his hands and kissed me tenderly. His lips felt so soft on mine. I didn't want it to end, but he pulled away.

"Let's get going. There should be a town car waiting for us."

When we arrived at the Lincoln Center, photographers were taking pictures of everyone arriving as if it were a red-carpet event.

"They are just reporters and journalists from New York society pages," Edward murmured in my ear. At least it wasn't People magazine or anything. The theater took my breath away with it's elegance. The hallowed hall was lit by the chandelier that hung from the center of the room. For some reason, an image of Edward performing here popped into my head.

Edward guided me to our seats with a level view of the stage. He took my hand in his as the lights dimmed and the orchestra quieted, and the concert began. It didn't once let go.

Throughout the concert, he'd whisper in my ear how beautiful I looked, he'd raise my hand for a kiss, and kept a hand on me at all times. He made me feel good about myself, despite my current low self-esteem and confidence. He made me feel beautiful.

When the concert ended, we applauded for the excellent performance of Rachmoninoff's Symphony No. 2. An hour-long piece that sounded beautiful and captured your full attention despite it's intimidating length. Edward took my hand once more and escorted me outside, and ordered the town car to take us back.

When we walked through the door, Edward loosened his tie and I set down my clutch that I had no use for during the concert. Edward came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the nape of my neck.

"Each time I look at you I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming," he said in a low voice.

I turned my neck to catch a glimpse of him. "I pinch myself everyday to make sure you're even real," I whispered back. "Tonight, it doesn't really matter."

"Why is that?" He whispered, our lips close to touching.

"Because real or not, you are one-hundred percent mine tonight. No family or school to steal our attention. Just you and me." He closed the small distance between us and kissed me so soft and tenderly it made my knees go weak. My arms wrapped around his neck and his around my waist. I applied a bit more pressure and he caved.

"As much as I adore this dress, I think I'd love it even more off." His eyes asked for permission, and I gave it to him.

"Then what's stopping you?" He grinned then scooped me into his arms. He shut the bedroom door shut behind him.

Standing next to his large and comfy looking bed, lips locked, I felt chills roll down my spine as he slowly pulled down the zipper on the back of the dress, letting it fall to a pool of silk at my feet. He gasped at the black, lacy lingerie that had been itching me for hours, but felt totally worth it for his expression of awe-struck lust. He himself was a sight to behold, with his chiseled torso, strong but gentle arms, and hooded eyes that made me weak in the knees almost as much as his kisses.

Sex with Edward was different. For one, I would for sure remember it. And another, he was so attentive, so aware of how each different touch brought a different reaction, discovering and pushing limits. He wasn't rough or excited to reach a certain point. He took his time, savoring each moment as if it were his last. He appreciated me, and demonstrated it with his endless patience, more than willing to hand over the reigns. This definitely wasn't an impasse for us. We weren't just having sex, we were making love.

He held me close to him when we were both spent. He brushed back my wild hair, pecking my lips with little kisses.

"You're beautiful," he whispered.

"So you keep telling me," I chuckled. "That must've been the millionth time you've said that tonight."

"Because I never want you to doubt it," he said seriously. "I don't think you realize just how beautiful you are. You were totally clueless when the waiter was gawking at you at the restaurant, you are unaware that every man's jaw at the concert tonight dragged on the floor at the sight of you. No other can compare. Never doubt it."

Little did he know I already did.

When I woke up, I was alone, mixed in with the soft cotton sheets. The shower was going. I felt vibrant. Alive. Maybe my skin would have a glow to it instead of being pasty. The shower turned off and I turned to the bathroom door. A few moments later, Edward opened the door, dressed in flannel pajama pants. He noticed me and smiled.

"Good morning," he greeted. "Sleep well?"

"Like a baby."

"Good. It looked like you could use some." He applied a towel to his hair in an effortless attempt to dry it.

"You wore me out," I chuckled. "Did you get a good sleep?"

He tossed the towel aside. "Thanks to you." He rolled onto the bed and hovered over me. He pressed his lips gently to mine and moaned. "You smell good."

I giggled. "I smell like sweat and feel sticky. How on earth do I smell good?"

"You smell like love," he said, kissing me again.

"Yeah, well 'love' smells nasty. I need a shower." I pushed him off of me and got up, not bothering to take the sheets with me.

"Are you trying to tempt me?" He groaned. How he could be tempted by my body is beyond me.

"Is it working?" I asked with a smirk.

"Yes."

"Then yes." I shut the bathroom door. After I turned on the shower, I searched the cabinets for a scale, calculating how many calories were in that salad I didn't finish. Beneath the sink, I found a scale and stepped on it.

101

Feeling determined, I took a quick shower and put on my sweats from yesterday. When I walked into the family room, Edward was on the couch watching a talk show.

"Let's go for a run," I said. He glanced up at me with a look that said, 'are you serious?'

"It's thirty degrees out!" He complained.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be a baby. You'll warm up, I guarantee it." He looked contemplative. "C'mon," I groaned, "I can't just sit around all day!"

"At least have breakfast first," he said.

"I don't need breakfast. I need to go run." I declared.

"Jesus, Alice eats more than you." He complained.

"Yeah," I said, pulling him off the couch, "well, she has an over-active thyroid and a Flash like metabolism. She can afford to eat a ton." I pushed him back to his room and ignored the narrowed glance he sent me. I just shooed him to his room.

He came out wearing a similar ensemble to mine, only in black. He slipped on his tennis shoes and we left for the track. By the end of the first lap, he was already losing steam.

"You've hardly eaten anything in two days and you still have more stamina than I do. Do you see a problem with this picture?" He gasped, wincing at the cramp he'd been complaining about for a quarter-mile.

"Yes. Your brother owns a gym and your out of shape," I said, breathing evenly. "Since you refuse to seek guidance from him, I'm going to take on the responsibility for whipping you into shape," I declared.

He sank back a few feet and tried to catch up. "I don't exactly focus on stamina. The only use I've ever had for it was during tennis."

"You weight-lifters are such babies," I laughed. For the sake of his lungs, I slowed the pace so he'd last another lap. He downed two bottles of water (his and mine) on the walk back to the apartment. When I suggested we take the stairs, he looked at me like I'd lost my mind and pressed the up button for the elevator.

When we walked into the apartment, Edward went straight for the kitchen, which made the blood drain from my face. He opened the fridge and looked around.

"What do you want for lunch?" He asked.

I didn't want to be conspicuous, but I didn't want to eat either. "Do you have some fruit?" I asked.

"Yeah. Do you want a sandwich or anything to go with it?" When I looked over the counter and saw the way he worriedly glanced at me, I panicked.

"Sure. Do you have turkey?"

We ate on the couch, relaxing. After consuming the most food I'd eaten in over a week, I felt bloated, and it didn't feel good. I needed an excuse to go running again, or find a way to get rid of it.

"I didn't get my mail yesterday," I moaned. "Crap. I need to run back to the dorms. I'm supposed to be getting news of my mother," I explained, getting up from the couch and taking the plates back to the kitchen.

"Do you need me to go with you?" He asked.

"No," I answered casually, suppressing the panicked 'NO!' that wanted to escape. "I'll just run over there real quick. I should be back in thirty minutes."

"Do you need money for a taxi?" He asked, getting up from the couch.

I shook my head as I slipped on my running shoes. "No. It'll be quicker to just run straight across with all the traffic. It's still early, so sunlight isn't a problem. I have my cell-phone with me just in case." I pecked him on the lips before flying out the door.

I took the stairwell instead of the elevator, flying down the many flights of stairs. When I reached the park, I sprinted all the way across, catching the attention of people taking a late afternoon stroll. I made good timing to the dorm, which only took ten minutes. When I got there, I grabbed my mail and took the stairs up.

The moment I stepped into the room, I stripped myself and stepped on the scale.

102.

I wanted to cry. Panic and desperation bubbled over, but my logic and calculating mind thought ahead.

First step: call Edward.

He answered on the first ring. "Bella?"

"Should I bring clothes for tomorrow?" I asked. Step two: pack a duffel bag. I started tossing clothes into the bag.

"Sure," he said, sounding a little in higher spirits. "Are you going to run back over here with a bag, though?"

"I'll take a taxi. I have a few twenties stashed in here," I explained. "I'll see you in a few." I hung up quickly, trying to keep my composure. After the duffel was packed, I stuffed my mail into the bag. Taking deep breaths, I went into phase three and dumped salt into a cup and filled it with warm water. I downed it in a few seconds.

The reaction happened within seconds. The muscles in my face contracted, clutching my cheek bones. Pressurized waves rocked my sinuses, my skull cracking out of it's shell. My hands shook against the toilet bowl and my throat whipped in my ribcage. My lunch made a dramatic reappearance as it splashed into the shallow pool. I blinked away tears and waited for my chest to inflate. My throat felt scraped and dry, and I tried to ignore the rotted aroma that filled my nostrils.

After the last swell, I sat back on my knees and listened to the thudding of my heart in my ears. My hands shook with some type of energy. I leaned against the wall and felt my entire body relax. Sinuses wide open and humming, chest swollen, and eye-lids drifted closed.

Flushing the toilet, I somehow found the strength to stand on shaky limbs. After I rinsed my mouth and washed my face, I stood on the scale again.

100

I smiled to myself, feeling proud.

I'd never thought I'd purge. Ever. The thought had never crossed my mind. In fact, the thought didn't cross my mind until five minutes ago. Sticking my finger down my throat sounded disgusting, and it would've left evidence on my finger. The salt-water trick was something my mother taught me when I was really sick. I remember wanting to throw up so bad, but my gag reflexes sucked, so she gave me warm salt water. It worked every time. No icky fingers, no evidence.

My eyes didn't look as red and puffy after I pressed a cold wash cloth to them, and the red-rims would disappear on the car-ride back. Edward wouldn't know a thing. Feeling very unstable on my legs, I took the elevator down for the first time in a week, then hailed a taxi. My hands still shook furiously, and I felt dizzy. I prayed it would go away.

When I walked into the apartment, I pulled out my mail and sorted through it. Amazingly enough, there was a letter from Renee.

"Welcome back," Edward said, getting up from the couch. He forced me to put down my bag, but allowed me to keep the mail in my hands as he swept me into his arms and sat down on the couch, keeping me in his lap. "This time, you're staying here." I giggled, not even attempting to protest. "What's that?" He asked at the letter I was opening.

"Nosy," I elbowed him and chuckled. "It's from Renee." When I pulled out the letter, two slips of paper fell to the floor, and I slowly got up from Edward's lap. Opening the letter and picking up the two slips, I didn't need to hide my shaking hands anymore.

_No need for these. _

The four simple words said everything. I looked at the two tickets and clenched my eyes shut, trying to keep away tears. Edward was on the floor with me.

"What's wrong?" He asked gently, rubbing my back. I just shook my head and handed him the letter and the tickets. He set them on the coffee table after reading them and pulled me into an embrace. I tried to suppress my tears and sobs, which sounded like repressed hiccups. "Shh, hey, don't worry about her. It's her loss, not yours."

"She hates me," I sobbed. "She really hates me." He pulled me into his lap on the floor and rubbed my back, rocking side to side.

"No, no one could hate you. She just doesn't know what to do. She can't control you and she can't let you go. This is just her venting her frustration over her indecision."

"Her decision looks pretty damn clear to me." I snapped, picking up the tickets, marching into the kitchen and tossing them into the trash. "She wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but insists on torturing me with these malicious letters and emails," I made a slip, but I was too upset to notice. "She is just adding insult to injury, and loves to rub it in my face." I wiped away the tears furiously. Edward stood at a distance, concerned. "God, why am I crying over her?"

"Because loved or not, she's your mother. She will always hold some sort of effect on you, good or bad."

"Well shouldn't it work the other way around?" I demanded desperately. "I'm her daughter! For Christ's sake!"

He walked over to me and took my hands in his. "She is out of her mind," he said simply, as if it was the clear answer. "Anyone lucky enough to have you as a daughter should be smart enough to appreciate it." He wiped away a few tears that escaped. "She may not want those tickets, but I know of two people who'd gladly take them." He smiled. Despite everything, he smiled.

"And who would that be?" I asked.

He kissed me, and my body began to relax again. "Esme and I would love having a front row view of your showcase." He was perfect. I pulled him into my arms and rested my head on his chest.

"Thank you," I said.

"I don't need a thank you."

"Okay, but I'm not digging in the trash for those tickets." He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

"Don't worry about it."

We finally settled down comfortably on the couch. The sun went down and we watched a couple of movies. When Edward offered dinner, I declined, and he didn't question it. He didn't know I read a message much more traumatizing several times a day.

I curled up next to him in bed, feeling comfortable in absolutely nothing.

"Bella, if I asked you to move in, what would you say?" He asked, running a hand through my hair.

The question caught me off guard. "I'd ask why I should give up the stability and security of a dorm for the hope that our relationship will last until graduation."

"What if I said you'd be saving money on taxi fares and you spend most of your time here anyway?"

"I'd say I'd be saving a hell of a lot more if we weren't together at all." The hurt look on his face made me laugh. "You know I'm kidding," I slapped him playfully on the chest and he smiled. "No, I'd probably cave and say you're right. But you have to say the magic words," I said, a little hesitantly.

"Please?" He asked.

"No," I shook my head. I took a deep breath and looked at him in the eyes "I love you." His expression didn't waver. He rolled so that he hovered over me and kissed me with a little more passion than before.

"I love you," he murmured against my lips. Our bodies came closer together, setting us on fire. To say the night drifted away into the throws of passion is really cliché, but that's what really happened.


	10. Chapter 9

Sunday, I called the scholarship committee, who had no problems or objections with me out of the dorm. When they asked why I wasn't using my meal card, I told them my boyfriend had been feeding me. That made them laugh. On Thursday we spent Thanksgiving with Edward's family, which, underneath my happy surface, was a nightmare.

After the meal, which I ate little of, but felt like a lot, I asked if I could go to the pharmacy. They more than willingly handed over the keys to their Mercedes and I took a trip to a secure place in the woods, where I disposed of the meal. I felt a little guilty for putting such wonderful food to waste, but I had fat that I needed to get rid of. They didn't suspect anything when I returned with a pharmacy bag. Out of courtesy, they didn't ask about the contents, which was my new best friend, Xenedrine.

Being around Edward was the best thing in the world…except when we ate. Every day when he went to hug me, he'd pull back and stare at my waist, which was, to my pleasure, was shrinking. Then he'd bring me back to the apartment and fix me something high in fat, carbs, and calories. It was a nightmare. I only got away three times during the week to get rid of it, with the excuse that I needed to go pack or study. I managed to remain at 104 pounds, but it was still too high, and I needed the double digit assurance that I'd fit into the size zero jeans.

The production was coming up fast, set for next Friday. I was more stressed than ever. My thighs still jiggled like loose doorknobs, my butt protruded from my back like the biggest, must rotund appendage in the world. It basically was so big, I'm pretty sure it had it's own gravitational pull.

Today, Edward brought the truck. I found him leaning against it when I got back from rehearsals, which was nightmare.

Alice is too observant. I'm lucky she doesn't see Edward much anymore, or else she'd relay everything that happens between us. Today she started talking and giggling with Angela, Jessica, and Lauren, and for some reason, I imagined them laughing at my figure. I snapped at them. _Really _snapped at them.

"Alice! Jessica! Lauren! Would you shut the hell up for five seconds so you can listen to what I'm telling you? No wonder you keep missing the second beat of the fifth eight-count! You won't shut up long enough to figure it out!" Alice looked hurt, Jessica and Lauren just looked embarrassed for being called out.

I walked up to Edward and threw my arms around him. "Thank God, I thought this day would never end." He kissed the top of my head and pushed off the truck, wrapping an arm around my waist.

"Rough day?" He asked.

"To put it lightly." When we walked through the doors, I picked up my mail from the slot. "I hope your day was better than mine."

"It actually went pretty well," he said brightly. "I was actually prepared for theory today since I spent my lunch hour practicing because somebody," he said pointedly, "had to rehearse a solo. Then rehearsals for next week's Thursday concert went smoothly, and now, I get to bring my beautiful and lovely girlfriend home. Permanently." We stepped into the elevators and he quickly pressed the 'close' button, then cornering me against the wall.

"Hot make-out session in the elevator. You are so original," I said sarcastically, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He smirked pressing his lips against mine. No one was going to be in the dorms on a Friday night. He wrapped his arms around me and for the first time today, I felt calm. Everything felt alright when Edward's arms were wound tightly around me. I relaxed into his embrace and let him take control.

The elevator rang when we reached my floor. I wasn't surprised to see the commons was crowded with people grinding against each other to terrible rap music; Jake being in the center of it. Edward sent me a sidelong glance and I just shrugged. Jake was the life of the party around here.

Jake caught sight of me and bounced over. "Bella!" He called out. He dug in his pocket and handed me a couple of tickets. "That's to the art display. You'll know which ones are mine. I think you've seen them all."

"Great!" I said, "When is it?"

"Next Saturday. You should come, and bring your roadie along," he joked. I shoved him playfully.

"Whatever Jake, I'll see you then." Just as I took a step, he called my attention.

"Will I not see you before then?"

I shook my head. "That's what I get for telling you things when your even remotely tipsy. I told you earlier this week that I'm moving out of the dorms." The sad look on his face caused a pang in my chest, but I pushed it aside.

"Oh, right. That was Tuesday night, right?" I nodded. "Yeah, sorry about that. Embry just knows how to party." He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sure gonna miss you around here Bells. Prepare for constant butt calls and drunk text messages." That made me laugh.

"I'll message you back with a well rehearsed motherly scolding." He pecked me on the cheek.

"No go pack before I chain you to the couch." He went back to his little dorm party.

"Do I smell weed?" Edward asked, his nose wrinkling.

"With Jake," I shrugged, "You never know."

Edward packed up my toiletries in the bathroom while I continued to work on my closet.

"Whoever shares this bathroom with you really needs to clean up after their drunken episodes," he said pointing into the toilet.

_Shit_. I tried to keep the color in my face and replied, "Well, I haven't really been here in two weeks, so I never really get to see them." Truth is, the next room is empty. The only person using that bathroom is me, and the reason it's so dirty is because I was to weak to clean after the purges.

He frowned, "Well, at least you're getting out of here. No more drugs in the commons, unhygienic bathroom mates, noisy parties during study hours, and no more stiff beds."

"Amen to that," I chuckled, still feeling a little on edge from his discovery.

Now that I would be living with him, I had no idea how I'd be getting rid of all the food. Of course, I didn't think I'd be purging often when I accepted his offer. I didn't want to, I mean, my teeth would suffer horribly and my breath would be horrifying, but I couldn't just let it sit there.

When we carried down all the boxes, I turned in my keys to the dorm advisor and walked out. Edward waited for me with the truck.

"Say 'Goodbye dorm!'" he said in a high-pitched voice, taking my hand and waving it at the dorm. I giggled and slapped his hand away.

"Goodbye dorm. Now lets go. It's cold out here." I hopped into the passenger seat and turned up the heater.

"Alice called me today," he said, keeping his eyes on the road. "She sounded pretty worried about you."

"What would she be worried about?" I mumbled.

"She's worried that you're too stressed and being over-worked." I could hear the accusation in his tone.

"She's just over-analyzing," I sighed, closing my eyes and trying to remain calm. "I'm stressed, but it's not at an unhealthy level. I've got two shows that I have to be prepared for. I'm in charge of one and playing the lead role in the other. Stress comes with the territory. Alice doesn't understand that. She's a dedicated dancer, I'll give her that, but she's not making it her life. Jasper is her life." In my mind, I was about to say that she just wasn't as serious a dancer, but that would've sounded insulting, so I turned it into something a little more romantic. Hopefully I could keep a leash on those errant thoughts.

He nodded in agreement. "I will agree with you on that. She would give up anything for Jasper, but he would never ask her to." He took my hand over the console. "Maybe you should just take an extra day off to relax. You are under a lot of pressure right now."

I scoffed. "Take a break the week of production? I don't think so. And I put everything I have into my showcase. I'm giving it a hundred and ten percent all the way. My dancers are doing the same. I can't just quit because I'm tired. It's not fair." This was true. My heart and soul went into putting it together. Even though some days I want to rip them apart, my dancers put the same amount of effort into the dances that I did choreographing them.

"It was just a suggestion," he said gently. "I'm just worried about you."

"Well don't be," I said simply. "I'm fine. After the showcase, it's winter break, so no break until then." He didn't argue.

The doorman for Edward's apartment helped us carry in all my boxes. Edward and I tried carrying as many boxes as possible to curtail the number of trips we had to take. The wood floors never looked so uneven after the third trip.

"Edward," I said, my voice wavering. "I think I need to sit down for a second." The floor spun, and the dizziness was sickening. I felt myself slipping to the floor, but I didn't have the strength to stop it. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday at the Thanksgiving dinner. After I purged that, I snuck out the window and ran six miles. My lack of energy finally caught up with me.

"Whoa!" Edward caught me just before I went crashing down. I heard boxes tip over and I hoped nothing fragile was in them. "Bella, are you alright?" His voice went rigid with worry.

"Yeah," I breathed, trying to steady my breath. "Could you just set me on the couch?" I tried desperately to keep my eyes open, but the black and the sparkles started closing in from my peripherals. I could barely feel the couch beneath me before I completely succumbed to the darkness.

When I came to, it felt like seconds later. Edward, stricken with worry, sat on the floor next to my head, brushing my hair with his hand.

"Welcome back," he whispered.

I smiled weakly. "How long was I out?"

He shrugged, "Fifteen minutes maybe. How do you feel?"

"More relaxed than I have been in a long time." I felt tired and worn out, but at least I was comfortable and with Edward, in our apartment. It was more than I could ask for.

"Do you want to rest in bed?" He asked.

Slowly, I sat up, preparing myself for any dizziness that might attack me. Edward held tight to my arm. "No, I want to start unpacking. I don't want all these boxes just lying around."

"I think we should go get you checked out first. You look awfully pale." The suggestion startled me.

"I'm fine," I insisted, "I'm just worn out. A good night's sleep will do me good." He didn't appear to be convinced.

"If you're dehydrated then you need an IV," he argued.

His persistence really annoyed me. "If I'm dehydrated then I'll just drink some more water. Look," I said, "I can't afford to go to the hospital. The scholarship committee will hear about it, then they'll see me as a liability rather than an asset for the hospital bill. I won't allow you to pay for it," I beat him to the punch. "You've already offered me a place here, you take me to fancy dinners and formal concerts, your mom and sister have bought me clothes I'd have to save years for. I'm overwhelmed with generosity, and I don't want to feel like a charity case. Please, just let it be," I begged.

He didn't look happy, but he obliged. "Alright. But you are going to re-hydrate," he said, taking a water bottle from behind him, "and relax. If you insist on unpacking, you can have closet duty."

"Deal." I took a long swig of water. "Satisfied?"

"Somewhat," he took my hand and pulled me up from the couch. The world didn't spin and I felt relieved. He pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head. "I love you."

My heart skipped a beat. "I love you, too." I looked up and he bent down for a kiss.

He started unpacking all my school things and putting them in the study. I went to the bedroom and started unpacking my wardrobe. My clothes took up the empty half of the master closet. When I opened up my box of bathroom toiletries, I found the salt. I panicked. If Edward knew what this was for…

"Edward," I called. His head popped into the room a few minutes later. I showed him the box of salt. "Why is there a box of salt with my bathroom stuff?" I played dumb. He bought it.

He looked confused. "It was in the bathroom. I just assumed it was yours. Now why you would need salt in a bathroom is beyond me."

"Must be from a previous class," I said dismissively, putting it under my bathroom sink.

He went back, satisfied with my conclusion. I still had a lot to cover up.

He demanded we take a break for dinner. He made grilled cheese, I said my stomach felt a little uneasy and had a bowl of low-calorie soup. After dinner, he sat at the piano and practiced while I continued unpacking. When I came across my pill container, I realized one was missing under Saturday and Sunday.

"I need to run to the pharmacy to get my prescription refilled," I told Edward slipping on my boots and winter coat.

He stopped playing. "Do you want me to go with you?" He asked.

"No, just keep practicing. I'll be back in a few." I grabbed my messenger bag and threw it over my shoulder.

"Be safe," he called back.

"Call me if you need anything." Despite my fainting spell, I took the stairs since I ate. The sun had already set, despite the time. Winter really began to set in with it's cold temperatures and brisk winds. Snow would start falling soon.

I walked several blocks to the pharmacy. Just to be sure, I slipped down each aisle to make sure I didn't need anything. When I walked down the health aisle, a stick thin girl, no older than eighteen, with pulled back blonde hair and painted nails was contemplating over laxatives. I was startled. She looked up at me and smirked.

"You are such a noob," she said, giving me a glance-over.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

She pointed. "Your skin is beginning to get dry, your hair doesn't have any luster to it, and your nails are getting flaky. Anyone with a basic health education knows what you're up to." She turned back to the shelves.

I was about to tell her to stop and get help, but I didn't want to be a hypocrite. So instead, I asked, "What do you recommend?"

She smiled and pulled me down the cosmetics aisle, showing me some body lotions. "Aveeno works wonders for your skin. It works practically over-night. As for the hair, yours looks like it needs major treatment since you have a ton of it. I have the same problem, and I just use Pantein. As for the nails," she looked at my face for a moment, "crimson. Crimson would look good on you."

"How long have you been doing this?" I asked incredulously.

She shrugged. "Since I was fifteen. So about three years. How long have you been doing it?" She shot back.

"Doing what? Starving myself or purging?" I mumbled, not wanting everyone to hear.

"Either."

"Starving for two months, purging for two weeks." She gawked.

"Jesus! How much have you lost?" She looked impressed, which, regretfully, made me feel good.

"Well, I lost ten the first couple of weeks, it's been fluctuating ever since. My boyfriend is always feeding me, and I don't always have the opportunity to purge afterwards. He was about to take me to the hospital earlier this evening after I passed out."

"Does he know?"

"Good God, no," I gasped. "He'd flip shit if he knew. And his dad is a doctor at the hospital, so that would result in embarrassment. His sister is suspicious though." Why was I confiding in a girl four years younger than me in the middle of a cosmetics aisle? Shouldn't I be calling her parents telling them to get a counselor?

"I still can't believe how skinny you look. How'd you lose the weight?"

"Full-time dancer," I explained.

She nodded and stuck out her hand. "Jane," she said.

"Bella," I shook it.

"Well, it was nice meeting you, Bella. I hope I get to see you around. I have to get home before the rents think I'm up to something."

"I'd tell you to stop and get help, but that sounds really hypocritical, doesn't it?" She was still so young. She didn't need the pressure.

She scoffed. "You think I haven't tried? Once you start, it's nearly impossible to stop. You'll see. After ten shrinks and four inpatient facilities, you learn." She purchased her laxatives in the self-checkout and left me standing in the cosmetics aisle with a basket of lotion, hair products, and birth-control.

When I got back to the apartment, Edward was settled on the couch.

"Did you get what you need?" He asked.

"Yup. Are you sure you didn't need anything?" He stuck his hand up and I walked over and took it. He guided me around the couch and pulled me to straddle his lap.

"I've got everything I need right here." He pulled my face to his gently. He wound his arms around my waist, almost wrapping twice. "You're too thin," he mumbled against my lips.

"I think that's a matter of opinion," I argued between kisses. He pulled me tighter and forgot about the subject completely.

"I think we should celebrate," he said suggestively. I unbuttoned his shirt and slipped my hands inside.

"How do you think we should do that?" I whispered.

He moaned and the sound sent chills down my spine. "By spending all weekend in bed." He stood up, holding me close to him. "And putting your flexibility to the test," he smirked. He locked the bedroom door behind him.

The banging on the door woke me with a start, that induced a head rush. Edward was already slipping on pajama pants. "What in hell…?"

"Edward! I have to talk to you!" Alice yelled unnecessarily loud. "It's about--!" When Edward opened the bedroom door, she stopped yelling and glanced at me. The panicked expression on her face quickly disappeared and she smiled at me, trying to cover myself in the bed. "Oh," she said with surprise, "Morning Bella!"

"Morning Alice," I greeted. She forced a broader smile. Her strange reaction to me being here made me suspicious.

"What do you need to discuss that is so damn important?" Edward demanded, bringing her attention back to him.

"Uh," she said, her eyes shifted back to me, several times. "I just wanted to speak to you about some family matters."

"Bella _is _family. Now what do you want?"

She still seemed uncertain with my presence. "Alice, just spit it out," I said. She sighed and pushed Edward back inside, then sitting on the edge of the bed next to me.

"Lauren has been saying some…pretty disturbing things about you," she said softly. "And the scary part is, it makes sense." She looked at me, eyes apologetic.

"What kind of things?" I asked. I've heard several vicious rumors told about me over the years. I don't think it's anything I haven't heard before.

She looked back at Edward. "Could you excuse us for a moment?"

He scoffed. "First you bang on the door for me and then--"

"It's okay, Edward," I said. "Go fix some breakfast or something." He glanced between the two of us before leaving, muttering, "women."

Alice turned back to me. "She's been saying that," she struggled to find the right words, "that you don't eat anymore, that you," she winced, "throw up everything you eat. It's not true right? I mean, I know you've been really stressed lately and kind of short-tempered, but that's expected right? She's just being petty and jealous, right? Like she's always been?" Alice looked worried, and frankly, quite scared.

I sighed. "Well, and I thought I heard them all," I muttered. "No, Alice, I'm not starving. I've been eating with Edward. You can ask him. And, where the hell did Lauren come up with the purging? When did she come up with that idea?" I hated lying to Alice, she's so observant, but she believed me.

Alice breathed with relief. "She said after rehearsal at the beginning of last week, she went to your dorm to go apologize for being such a bitch to you in rehearsals, that day I apologized to you right after, and she said when she went to your room, she heard you throwing up."

I used Edward's accusation. "That was the girl I share the bathroom with. Jake's friend, Leah, always gets drunk and, well, you know," I shrugged. My hands, under the sheets, were shaking from the hypoglycemic attack I was having, but I couldn't let Alice see.

She sighed. "Okay, well I just wanted to get that cleared up." She stood up to leave, but something was bothering me.

"Why did you come to tell Edward?" I asked. "Why didn't you just come to me first?" She froze and turned around looking mildly guilty.

"Well, when Lauren told me, she sounded scared herself, not like the gossipy tone she usually talks in. So I believed her. I knew you and Edward were really close, close enough to live with each other apparently, so I figured if anyone could help you, then he would. When I heard, I was so scared for you, and I wanted to get you help. I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions."

"Hey," I said softly, "It's okay. I'm fine, and that's all that matters, not to sound narcissistic or anything," she giggled.

"You're naked." She pointed out. "In Edward's bed."

I rolled my eyes. "I was wondering when you would notice."

"Is he any good?" She asked with an eyebrow wiggle.

I threw a pillow at her and laughed. "Ew! Alice! He's your brother!" She chuckled and threw the pillow back at me.

"So?" She exclaimed. "Pretend he's not my brother. Now, how is it?" I laughed at her ridiculous topic for discussion.

"He's…very attentive, knows how to please a girl, and thankfully, not into kinky sex. That stuff just weirds me out." She laughed.

"No kinky toys?"

"No kinky toys. Now can I take a shower and get dressed? Or is there something else you want to probe out of me?" She shook her head and stood up, finding her way out.

After my shower, I stepped on the scale.

102.

At least that's better than 104. I applied the lotion Jane recommended, slipped on a large cream-colored turtle-neck and black leggings. I took out my box of nail-polish and began to cover my nails. They took on a strange blue tint recently, and I was glad I took Jane's advice. The nails were pretty obvious. After I let them dry, I walked out into the family room, where Alice and Edward were conversing quietly.

"Hey guys," I alerted them of my presence. Edward invited me to sit on his lap and I complied. "So what are you up to today, Alice?" I asked.

"Jasper flew to San Francisco to interview with the symphony, so I thought I'd hang out with you guys today." She shrugged, then smiled brightly. "I'm starved. How about lunch?"


	11. Chapter 10

I stood in front of the mirror, examining myself. My collar bones stuck out a little more, my hips were a little more visible, but my butt still stuck out. I hopped and watched as my thighs and butt jiggled like jello. I tried not to cry, I just finished my makeup, and stepped onto the scale.

100.

My double digit goal was still unmet. All this week, I stayed extra hours in the dance studio, practicing for the production, for the opening participation in my showcase, and ran. Edward called me several times a day, telling me to relax and take a breather. My response was always an enthusiastic, "NO!" and a lecture on perfection and dedication. He chastised me and said there's no such thing as a perfect performance. Yeah, tell that to the people who auditioned me. I didn't allow myself to eat at all during the day, because when I went home, Edward always had food on the table. I never had more than a few bites since I couldn't purge. I hid the rest of the food in the napkins I threw away or up my sleeves.

I slipped on my costume, surprised to find it fit me rather loosely. Digging through my dance bag, I found a couple of safety pins. Satisfied with my handy work, I slipped on my winter coat and UGGs. An early Christmas gift since I didn't have 'proper winter clothes' as Edward put it.

I threw my dance bag over my shoulder and headed out. Edward waited for me in the family room, wearing a casual business suit and a wool trench. "You look beautiful," he said by way of greeting, kissing me on the forehead. When he wrapped his arm around my waist as we headed out, he didn't obnoxiously step back and examine me. The coat covered up anything abnormal.

He understood that I was under a lot of stress and didn't like being bugged on my habit's the days before a show. So when I said I was done eating after only a few bites this past week, he didn't question it, for fear I would blow up in his face like I do over the phone.

He dropped me off at the dancer's entrance to the theater, kissed me, and wished me luck. He was the epitome of a perfect boyfriend.

Alice saw me walk in and bounced up to me. "I saved you a vanity next to me," she said, pulling me backstage to the dressing room. It was hot in there, like it always was when the old-fashioned light bulbs were turned on. I removed my jacket and slipped off my boots. Alice gasped. I froze, thinking she saw something on my body that looked weird.

"You look gorgeous!" She exclaimed.

I blushed. "Thank you." I began tying up my pointe shoes and pulling out the rosin. "You look amazing, too, Alice." I felt obligated to return the complement.

"Thanks," she piped before returning to her makeup.

When Alice wasn't looking, I snuck off to my favorite corner of the theater. It was at the corner of the stage, behind all the curtains, no one could see me unless they dug through all of them. I listened to the theater, slowly filling up with people. The sound soothed my nerves, Closing my eyes, I imagined myself performing, going through each step of the production. My feet moved slightly, but never leaving the floor. After I finished in my mind, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Backstage, people were bustling, but the crowd just began to settle down.

I sank out from behind the curtains and waited for the call.

"FIVE MINUTES!"

The crowd stood, applauded, and the curtain came to a close. The adrenaline from the performance coursed through my veins and felt amazing. Other than sex with Edward, this was the most life-affirming experience: performing in front of a full house with a flawless performance.

_Screw food, _I thought, _this is what keeps me going. _Nothing on God's Great Earth could compare to the feeling I got when I performed. You can't buy the energy, the excitement, the thrill of being loved for what you can do. It's a feeling I wanted to experience over and over again.

When I finally came back down from Cloud Nine, Alice came running up to me squealing with excitement. "You were amazing! All that stressing must be really worth it now." She smiled up at me.

"Yeah," I breathed. "It really is worth it." She nodded in agreement, not realizing that I wasn't talking about the stress.

I followed her back into the changing room, feeling like I was in a daze. Almost everything moved at a slower pace. I assumed it was the adrenaline. Feeling out of place and a little sick, I picked up my change of clothes and headed for the bathroom.

After I checked to see if anyone else was in there, I locked the door to ensure privacy. I sank to the floor, everything looked like it was quivering uncontrollably. My hands shook so furiously they appeared as a blur of crimson. The feeling made me sick. Laying down on the cool floor, I waited for it all to stop. I just wanted it to stop. The cold tile floor came in contact with my cheek and I closed my eyes. My stomach twisted, my breathing accelerated, and my heart beat an irregular rhythm.

I couldn't take it. I couldn't take this feeling of being out of control. Tears welled in my eyes and cleared out some of the sparkles.

With trembling hands, I dug for my cell-phone and pressed "1" for speed-dial.

It took several rings. "Hey beautiful!" He said into the phone. The background was quiet, which I hoped meant he was alone. "Are you planning on coming out anytime soon?" When my only response was a small whimper, his tone changed dramatically. "Bella?"

"Can--" I barely caught my breath, "Can you come and get me? Something's wrong."

"Where are you?" He demanded.

"I'm in the bathroom backstage," I breathed.

"Okay, tell me what's going on."

"I--" my mind couldn't think straight. Nothing processed. Everything just appeared blurry. "I don't know," I sobbed. "I can't stand up, breathe right, think right, see right." The awful feeling in my stomach made me feel sick and another round of dizzies hit me. "Please, help me."

"Can you unlock the door first?" He asked, a little out of breath.

I dropped the phone and sat up just enough to twist the lock. Edward swung open the door, looking just as scared as I felt. He knelt down and put my jacket on me, but before he could pick me up, I said the stupidest thing I could. "Hand me my boots. It's cold outside." Great, Edward would probably think I'm a retard for putting my boots before my life.

He didn't say a word as he let me slip on my boots. "Okay," I whispered feebly, still feeling like my entire body was shaking. He swept me into his arms like I weighed nothing at all.

"Jesus Bella," he swore. "There's nothing to you." I had no idea what he was talking about, so I just closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. I knew we were outside when a chill breeze brushed my face.

"Are you taking me to the hospital?" I asked, not really thinking at all, but letting my mouth run.

"Yes," he said. I'm not sure if we got into someone's car or a taxi, but he set me down somewhere warm, and a car door shut. "Lennox Hill Hospital."

His arms slipped around me. "It won't stop," I whimpered.

"What won't?" He asked, running his hand over my neatly crafted hair.

"The shaking," I breathed. He held me tightly to his chest.

"Well that's because _you _won't stop shaking. Did you take anything?" He asked.

_Xenedrine? _"No." Wow, it's easy to lie when you feel drugged up.

"Did you _eat _anything?" Oh he thought he was so clever.

_Nope. _"Yes."

"What did you eat?"

"Protein."

"Your not helping yourself, Bella," he sighed, sounding frustrated. "Where did you get your protein from?"

"Eggs."

"Is that all you had?" He asked.

"Toast."

"That's good," he said. "When did you have it?"

"This morning," I sighed. "Please don't be mad at me," I whispered.

He sounded shocked. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"Don't let them find out. I still have my showcase and another semester. Please don't let them find out," I begged quietly. The driver must be pretty confused right now. He must think I had an overdose of drugs. If all someone heard of this discussion was, "I'm sorry," and "Don't let them find out," I know I would assume someone was on drugs.

"I'll see what I can do." He lifted me, despite my dead weight, and carried me into the brisk air. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, all I could feel was Edward letting me go.

Someone was poking me. The annoying pressure forced my eyes open…and my temper.

"What the--" I looked up and was surprised to see Jane standing next to me. "Why am I not surprised we are meeting again here?" She was dressed in a hospital gown, attached to an IV. Her hair looked a little more lively, which probably meant she'd been here a while.

"I saw you on my walk, which can only last for fifteen minutes a day--I might add--, and I figured I'd drop in. Hope you don't mind the rude awakening." She didn't allow me to answer. "So what happened to you?" She asked.

I chuckled. "I have no clue," I said honestly. "After my performance, everything just crashed. I had no control over my body anymore. And after controlling my body for nearly three months, it's pretty scary. I don't even remember what happened." The last memory I had was lying on the bathroom floor.

She turned around. "Is your boyfriend the guy talking to the doctor over there?" She pointed to the reception desk outside my room. He was talking with Carlisle. Shoot me.

"Yup." I said.

"He's hot," she said.

"He's mine."

She grinned. "I know. He slept in here all night with you."

"Well, shit," I cursed, "what time is it?" The concept of time didn't occur to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have no concept of time.

"It's ten A.M. You missed breakfast, luckily." She said with a sly grin. I couldn't help but grin back, which I know sounds awful, but I couldn't help it.

"How'd you end up here?" I asked.

She pouted. "Remember those laxatives I bought?" She asked. I nodded. "Took in half the box. Six hours later my parents called the EMT's and they hauled me back here."

"You've been in here for a while," I noted.

"Yeah, I hope you never have to stay here. I overheard your boyfriend and the hot doc saying that you've just been stressed and over-worked. My parents knew it was the ANA." I chuckled at the 'hot doc'.

"Yeah. If you tell a lie enough, it eventually becomes true, right?" Before she could respond, Edward walked back in, looking intensely relieved.

"Bella," he breathed. He scooped in for a kiss and brushed back a few locks that escaped my bun. "How do you feel?"

"Exhausted," I said. I gestured next to me. "This is Jane. Jane, this is Edward."

"Pleasure to meet you Jane," he shook her hand like a gentleman. "And how do you two ladies know each other?" He pulled up the chair from the corner of the room and sat down right next to my bed. He took my hand, but was careful not to touch the IV needle.

"Long story," she said vaguely. She winked and I grinned. A bulky, red-headed nurse with frown lines marched into the room and folded her arms across her chest. Jane flinched and looked up at me. "Meet the Wicked Witch of the East, Helga."

"Your walk ended twenty minutes ago," Helga said with a thick Russian accent. I laughed when I realized she didn't call her that because she's on the East Side, she really was from the East. "We've all been looking for you down at the ward. You're lucky I found you sitting down instead of running through the halls like last time." I found the image humorous, and with a sidelong glance, we both chuckled.

"Well, it was nice meeting you Edward, and it was nice seeing you again, Bella, only I wish it was under better circumstances. But I must flee before Helga eats me."

"Rotten child," Helga muttered. With no warning, Jane smirked and took off running with her IV, leaving Helga to waddle after her. Even Edward started to laugh.

"You've got quite a friend," he said.

"Yeah, she's a firecracker." I squeezed his hand. "What happened? How did I get here?" I asked.

He frowned and looked down at my hand. "Well, you called me in a panic, saying that you felt sick, and I run into the backstage bathroom to find you half-conscious on the floor. Dr. Steager said you had a malicious hypoglycemic attack. Mixing it with your panic didn't help at all either. So in a nutshell, you had a hypoglycemic attack, which resulted in a panic attack."

I breathed in relief. "Well at least that's all--"

"All brought on by lack of nutrition." His frown made me want to curl up under the blankets. "Bella, how did your blood-sugar levels stoop that low?"

"Your mad," I whispered, looking away.

"Bella, I'm not mad," he said, his voice a little more gentle. "I'm concerned. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to get you to eat."

_Nothing you do will make me eat. _"I'm eating," I said weakly.

"Not nearly enough. This week I think you've had all of two complete meals. Do you want to perform in the showcase?" He asked.

"Of course," I said incredulously. "It's my showcase."

"Then you need to promise me that you will eat," he said. "You're fifteen pounds underweight, and if your professor sees that, then he's going to pull you out."

"How much do I weigh?" I asked.

"Is it relevant?" Edward asked with a raised eyebrow.

_Fell right into that one. _"No. Forget I asked. If I promise to eat, can I perform?" I asked, hoping the answer would be yes.

"Not just eat, but eat enough. Twenty-eight hundred calories a day, at least an hour of moderate exercise, and eight hours of sleep each night. Do you think you can do that?"

_Twenty-eight hundred calories. You are screwed. You just couldn't lay on the bathroom floor and let it pass. Smooth move Ex-lax. _"If I _try_, will you let me perform?" I couldn't bare the thought of eating that much.

"What is your definition of try?" He asked warily.

"I can't promise that I will eat that much, but if I try, like really try, will you let me go?"

He thought long and hard. "I'll tell you what," he said, taking my frail hand in both of his. "Take a week off. Have Esme watch over you during the day, make sure you're eating enough, get your strength back, and if you're healthy enough, you can work the week of the showcase. Does that sound like a deal?" He asked.

_That gives me one week to lose all that weight. _"Deal." He looked sad, guilty, and conflicted. I cast my gaze downward at our hands.

"You know the only reason I'm doing this is because I love you, right? I would never give you this ultimatum if I didn't." His expression made my chest squelch. He thought I was upset with him. How could I ever be upset with him when he was so perfect? I didn't like his plan, but at least he gave me a loophole.

"I know," I told him, "and I'm not upset with you either, so don't think for a moment that I am." The relief in his face made me feel better. "Just when I suck my solo for my showcase, be prepared for a major beat-down afterwards." He chuckled.

"I'm sure I'll survive."

"My father is a cop. I wouldn't be so certain."

Four hours later, I was released. After a lecture about healthy eating from Edward's dad, we finally jumped into a taxi and went home. I suppressed the urge to take the stairs and followed Edward into the elevator.

"I'll fix you some lunch. Do you want anything in particular?" He asked.

"No," I said. _I'd prefer you didn't make anything at all. _"Just surprise me. I'm going to take a shower and get all this hairspray out of my hair."

"Then I think I'll hold off on lunch. That might take a while." I shot him a glare, but he chuckled.

When I walked into the bathroom, I turned on the shower and locked the door to make sure Edward didn't hear or see me with the scale. I pulled it out and stripped off my tights and clothing. When I stepped on it, I was more than pleased.

98

Then panic settled in. Esme would be watching me all the time for a week. Twenty-eight hundred calories a day. Only an hour of exercise. All that fat build up and cellulite made me shiver. There's no way in hell I'm eating all that. And if I must, I'll find some way to get rid of it.

As I stepped into the shower, a plan formulated in my head to get rid of the food. I would not let that food digest.

After my shower, I slipped on comfortable pair of pajama pants and stole one of Edward's Juilliard sweatshirts. I tied my hair in a sloppy bun on top of my head. Feeling cold, I wrapped my arms around myself and headed for the kitchen, where Edward had just put down a sandwich with a side of mixed fruit.

"Classy," I joked, but sat down. I nibbled and took little bites, taking large gulps of water in between bites. He didn't seem to notice. I ate the fruit, but didn't eat much of the sandwich. I wanted so badly to say, "I'm full," but that would just make Edward suspicious. When he looked away, I tore bite-sized pieces of sandwich and stuffed them in my pocket. Trying to find a way to get him out, I said, "You smell to high heaven," I chuckled, plugging my nose for effect. "You need a shower."

He chuckled, too. "I will once you finish your sandwich." There was only one big bite left, the rest of it in my pocket. Figuring I could spit it out, I shoved it in my mouth.

"There. Happy? Now go take a shower before you make me gag." I stood up and took our dishes to the sink.

He laughed. "Feel free to be honest." I heard him walk out of the kitchen, but waited until I heard the shower start.

When it did, I quickly spit out the sandwich and dumped the contents of my pocket into the sink, quickly washing it down. Almost paranoid, I glanced behind me, but he wasn't there. Washing all evidence down the drain, I felt calm, but not at peace. Walking over to the stereo, I turned up the volume so that it blocked out any sound. Taking a cup and the box of salt from the kitchen, I went into the far guest bedroom, the furthest from the master, and went into the guest bathroom. I shut and locked the door. I filled the cup with warm water and dumped salt into it. I quickly chugged it.

I crouched forward and let the first swell rock me. Strawberries, apples, tangerines, and zuchini piled into the basin. In the last heave, the last of the strawberries landed atop the mass. I spit a tart drop of saliva into the toilet and watched as it spiraled atop the bowl's current and then dipped beneath the surface. I massaged my neck and listened to the erratic beating heart through the thudding in my ears. My throat felt like I'd just gargled gravel.

After I regained my breath, I pulled out the Comet and the Mr. Clean toilet brush and wiped the basin clean. I washed my face and pressed a cold, damp wash cloth to my eyes. Realizing I didn't have any mouth rinse, I sprinted into the kitchen and fumbled around, looking for a mint of some sort. I dug in one of Edward's coat pockets and found a peppermint from the restaurant the other night. I quickly popped it into my mouth and began sucking.

When Edward came out of the shower, I was curled up on the couch, watching "NCIS". I couldn't stand up or do anything. I officially had no energy. Fortunately, that IV kept my hands from shaking and me from passing out. _Un_fortunately, it didn't restore any electrolytes that I just tossed up.

Edward sat next to me and rubbed my arm.

"I never got to ask you what you thought of the production," I said softly.

He kissed my cheek. "You were amazing, perfect, beautiful, graceful, the star of the show. Carlisle and Esme were very impressed."

"Does Alice and everyone know about what happened?" I asked.

He frowned. "No. I plan on telling Alice, though. She'll be worried when she doesn't see you next week."

I sighed. "I need to call Perron to see if he can supervise rehearsals. Just because I'm not there doesn't mean there shouldn't be practice." Hopefully, he won't ask questions.

"We can worry about that later," Edward said. "I called Esme. She'll be here by the time I leave on Monday morning. I have classes until three, then I have rehearsals from five to six thirty. Then I will be home for dinner."

"Don't be late honey-buns," I giggled.

"I won't be sugar-muffin," he said in the same mocking tone.

"Now, if you said, 'sugar-mama,' I would've whooped your ass," I said in a ghetto tone.

"Do you still want to?" He asked suggestively.

"Does this count as my hour of exercise?" I asked, fingering the hem of his shirt.

"Consider it an exception," he said, scooping me into his arms and throwing me onto the bed.


	12. Chapter 11

"Bella?" Edward shook me gently from sleep. "Esme should be here in an hour. She's running a bit late. Do you want to just sleep till then?"

Today was day one in hell. I loved Esme like a mother, but I did not want her watching me eat. If she watched carefully, I wouldn't be able to hide my food or get rid of it, which wasn't an option.

"No, no, I'll get up. You took care of my rehearsal right?" I asked. It caused me anxiety not being able to go there and control what was happening. I needed control over something, but all my control was being taken away.

He nodded. "Yes. I'll tell Alice when I see her at lunch."

"Don't tell her how it happened," I said quickly. He looked confused. "Don't tell her about the whole nutrition thing. I don't want her jumping to conclusions like she tends to do." He nodded. When he leaned down to give me a kiss, I clasped my hands around his neck and held him down for a few moments longer. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Take care of yourself."

"Will," _not,_ "do."

The moment the door shut, I got up, ignoring the head rush and the shaky hands and pulled out the scale in the bathroom. I took a deep breath and stepped on.

97.

Good thing I purged lunch yesterday, or it might've been at 100. I jumped in the shower, feeling quite pleased with myself. Feeling the need to dress nicer than in sweats, I put on my GAP turtleneck. When I put it on, it nearly swallowed me whole. It looked like it was hanging on me, but at least it covered up what I didn't want seen. I slipped on some tight black yoga pants, or what I thought were tight. They hung loosely on my thighs and hips.

I heard the door open and walked out of the bedroom to join Esme. She was carrying several bags of groceries. She looked up and saw me.

"Bella!" She set the groceries on the floor next to the door and ran to pull me into an embrace. "How are you feeling?" Her eyes looked hopeful.

_About the same. _"I'm feeling much better, thanks for asking. Do you need help with the bags?" I asked.

She huffed and took off her Prada trench. "If you don't mind. Why is it so hot in here?" She asked, rolling up the sleeves to her sweater and taking off her heels.

"Doc said I have a strangely low body temperature. Sorry, I can turn it down." The colder I am, the more calories I burn.

"Please, if you don't mind." She must've been really hot.

When I brought the groceries into the kitchen, I wanted to frown at the contents. It looked like she bought food for the rest of the week. "Are you planning on supplying for the soup kitchen Esme?" I asked incredulously. "You certainly got a lot of food."

She laughed. "Don't be silly. That's just for today. I got breakfast from this cute little bakery I found on my way over. I picked up lunch from a little organic market and dinner from Serafina's." I felt sick. "You can go ahead and start on breakfast. I'll just put the rest of the food away."

I opened up the box labeled in all caps, "BREAKFAST." A huge bagel with egg and cheese filled my nostrils. How on Earth was I supposed to hide that?

"Do you mind if I eat in the family room?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes. Carlisle told me to make sure you eat every bite. Go ahead and sit down at the table. I'll watch from here."

"Okay," I replied, trying to hide my disdain. I sat down at the table with a tall glass of water. Trying to stall, I said to Esme, "Tell me about what Edward did when he was younger."

She turned from the fridge and smiled. "Oh, dear, the trouble those boys got into. I swear, if they weren't in trouble, then they were about to be in trouble, making trouble, or laying out a long term plan to create trouble." The moment she turned her head, I tore off a bite of bagel and stuffed it in my sleeve, then when she looked back at me, I pretended to chew.

"I remember when he was thirteen, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper got irritated with the golf course rules, so they started a rebellion. They took a golf cart without signing them out, wore jeans, Converse, band t-shirts, and trucker hats, then played golf like a game of pool, causing quite the rucous with the elderly bunch, claiming the were 'disrespecting the decorum of the golf course.' Then there was the time Edward set a beach umbrella on fire with his magnifying glass…"

She told me all of Edward's embarrassing tales, all the while keeping an eye on me. It took a while, and a lot of talking, but I eventually got the entire bagel up my sleeve. Esme offered to rinse my dish, and I excused myself to use the bathroom.

I dumped the bagel into the toilet and flushed. I stayed in there for a decent amount of time before coming out. Esme had finished putting away all the food and was now helping herself to breakfast. "So did Edward ever get in trouble at school?"

She snickered. "In elementary school he did. One day I got a call from the principal, informing me about his daring dash for freedom. Apparently, he dug a ditch under the playground fence and crawled under." She laughed at the memory.

"Did he succeed?" I asked.

"Oh, yes," she said, "but his rather rotund friend didn't." That made me snicker. "He took pity on his poor friend Peter who couldn't fit under the fence. He eventually became one of Jasper's good friends. Peter suffered a lot because of Edward, unfortunately. Another Call I got informed me that Edward got kicked in the shin and needed stitches." I gawked.

"How does that involve Peter?" I asked incredulously.

"Well apparently," she started, "Peter and Edward got in a fight. Edward went up to Peter and his new pals and said, 'I see you renewed your membership with the nerd herd'," Esme couldn't even say it with a straight face, "And then Peter kicked him really hard and ran like hell."

"They had a rather interesting friendship," I noted.

When lunch time came around, I got anxious again. Esme pulled out a couple of Amy's frozen meals. She didn't let me look at the nutrition facts, but was convinced that it was enough.

"Mind if we take a walk after this?" I asked Esme. "Sitting in this apartment all day is torture."

She smiled. "I can understand. Sure, we can take a walk over to that old castle in the park. Unfortunately, I think all the turtles in the turtle pond have gone into hiding for the winter." I chewed my meal very slowly, drinking large sips of water in between, as was now my routine. She insisted that we waited a half hour after I ate to go for a walk. That was alright. It gave me another half hour to get rid of it.

After we put on our coats and shoes and walked outside, I came up with an excuse.

"Oh, I'm sorry Esme, I forgot something in the apartment. Do you mind if I just go grab it? I'll be only a minute."

She looked hesitant, which made me nervous, but I kept the innocent and apologetic expression on my face and she caved. "Alright. I'll see you in a moment."

Like lightening, I flew up every single flight of stairs to the top floor, burning some calories and giving my quads a major workout. I ran into the apartment and grabbed a cup and the salt. I pressed a cold cloth to my eyes until I walked out the door, hoping the puffiness and red rims.

"What did you forget?" Esme asked when I came back outside.

I pulled up my messenger bag. "I didn't want to leave without it."

We walked through the park, taking in the sights of the city. She recalled memories of her and Carlisle in the park. Little kids passed by wrapped up like little Eskimos and I smiled at them. They were so new to this life, and weren't afraid to express themselves. They hadn't built any inhibitions.

"Do you plan on having children someday?" Esme asked, no hint of suspicion or future plans in her features.

"Yes," I said. "I would love to have a little girl."

She smiled. "I said the same thing. But after I had Emmett, I found out I couldn't have anymore children. That was probably one of the most difficult times of my life."

If someone told me I couldn't have children, I would break down. Being a dancer is everything to me, and teaching is another, but having a daughter to love and treasure and teach to love and treasure would be a dream come true.

"Is that when you decided to adopt?" I asked.

She shook her head. "It wasn't until a few years later that I finally submitted to it. Carlisle suggested it after we found out, but I just couldn't think of doing it at the time. I'm very glad I did though. I now have two beautiful sons and a lovely daughter. I couldn't ask for more." She linked arms with me and we finished our stroll.

When we got back to the apartment, the dizzies started to come back. I told Esme I was tired and needed a nap. She said she'd just clean up a bit around the apartment. I fell into the bed, and let the feeling from the performance wash over me again. Only this time instead of crying out for help, I endured in silence. Only a few silent tears escaped.

"Thank you for staying with her, Mom. She is just really tired." I heard Edward's voice somewhere in the apartment, but I felt too delirious to pin point where.

"No problem. She ate everything I put in front of her. There's dinner still in the fridge for when she wakes up."

"Okay. I can't thank you enough for doing this."

"Really, Edward. She's a lovely girl. This one's a keeper."

"I know. I just wish she'd take better care of herself."

"She'll feel better by the end of this week. She just needs time to heal. I'll come back tomorrow morning. Night Edward." The door shut.

The door to the bedroom opened and Edward walked in. I had my eyes closed, but I could hear him moving around in the room. I heard him walk in and out of the bathroom, then he stopped moving.

I couldn't stand pretending I was asleep, so I stirred and opened my eyes. I squinted in the darkness and looked towards the dresser. "Edward?" My voice sounded hoarse.

His shape walked over to me and sat on the bed. "Hey, how did it go today?"

"Really well," I said, trying to clear my throat. "What time is it?"

"Almost seven thirty. Ready for some dinner?" He asked.

_How about no. _"Sure. What are we having?" I tried sounding appropriately enthusiastic, but it came out sort of flat.

"The best pizza on the upper East Side," he said, offering me a hand. Great, of all the foods Esme could've ordered, she got pizza, one of the fattiest foods someone could eat.

The pizza was huge. It looked intimidating.

"I think it's going to eat me," I said, staring at it.

Edward rolled his eyes and put a hand on my shoulder, which was padded with the thick sweater to disguise the boniness. "It's a 6" personal pizza. I think you'll live."

"So how was your day?" I asked, stalling.

"Uneventful. Alice flipped out."

I groaned. "That doesn't surprise me."

"She's coming over here for lunch tomorrow."

_Shit_.

"Really?" I asked. "That's sweet of her. I guess since we don't have the production to work on anymore she's free to roam off campus." Damn it.

"Yeah. Then Rose left. Alice is really worried about you, though." Rosalie couldn't care less about me.

"She shouldn't be," I muttered, taking a sip of water. "You all shouldn't worry so much. You are going to go prematurely gray."

"Stop giving us reason to worry then."

Deciding I should stop digging myself a hole, I took small bites of pizza, never swallowing them. Surprisingly, the entire pizza, when thoroughly chewed, fit into my mouth.

"Excuse me," I said around my food.

"Do you want me to rinse your plate?" He asked.

"Sure," I said, trying not to open my mouth too much so he couldn't see. I went into the bathroom and spit it all out, even going as far as rinsing my mouth out to make sure I got every single piece of pizza out before swallowing anything.

I joined Edward on the couch after and curled up in his arms. He turned on an old Meryl Streep movie and we watched.

When we got undressed for bed, he stopped to look at me. "You are so thin," he whispered in awe. I don't know why, I knew I shouldn't, but I took it as a pleased sort of awe, when in all actuality, he was horrified. He ran his hands over my collar bones, my breast plates, even felt my shoulder blades and spine. He looked at my hips, examined my ribs…

He made me so self conscious. I wanted to curl up and cover myself with a blanket. "Please stop." I whispered, wrapping my arms around myself.

"I'm sorry," he whispered before wrapping me in his arms. I felt so tiny. So infinitely small. "I just want you healthy again."

"I'm getting there," I told him. "Just give me time."


	13. Chapter 12

_For the first time, I stepped on the scale with Edward standing next to me. I tried not to smile at the numbers, but Edward frowned. _

"_Bella, you haven't gained anything. You've lost five pounds." He sounded really upset, which caused anxiety to well in my chest. He looked frustrated. _

"_I've been eating everything!" I defended. "I eat everything you and Esme put in front of me! You know this! You watch me eat!" I cried. _

_He clenched his eyes shut, turning away and running his hand through his hair. _

"_I know," he said with conviction, then much more quietly, "I know." I immediately felt terrible for lying. Truth: I've digested all of five-hundred calories over the course of the week. Lie: I ate over ten thousand calories. _

"_Do you think maybe there's something wrong with my thyroid?" I asked. _

_Edward thought about it. "I think maybe we should go see a general practitioner, just to be sure." He thought for a moment. "I'm going to go call my dad to see if we can get you in to see someone tonight since the concert is tomorrow." _

_He left the bathroom and I smiled freely, swaying in place on the scale. _

_95 pounds. _

_I skipped off to the closet and put on jeans and a nice jacket. Or, I thought I was, until I slipped on the jeans. _

_They fell straight to the floor. _

"_Shit," I muttered. I searched for a belt and found one hidden on the shelves. The belt was too big. "Damn it!" I shouted. They were my favorite jeans and I couldn't wear them. My first pair of designer jeans that I bought with my hard earned money and I couldn't wear them. I tried looking at it like it was a good thing, but all I could see was my money going down the drain. _

"_What's wrong?" Edward asked, covering up the mouth piece to the phone. _

"_Nothing fucking fits!" I cried. "These are my favorite pair!" Then I realized even Carlisle could probably hear my shrieks. "Sorry for the language," I said to the phone. _

_Edward smiled sympathetically before getting back to the conversation. _

_I searched through the closet to find something that fit. Finding nothing of mine, I went into Alice's old room to see if she left anything behind. When I opened one of the drawers to her armoir, I found a pair of Miss Me skinny jeans. When I slipped them on, I had a hard time trying to button them--they were really small and tight--but I eventually got it done. I looked in the mirror and was shocked. _

_My hip bones were pretty visible, and a little fat hung over the edge of the waistline, which made me want to cry. Still not thin enough. My thighs looked like stuffed sausages in these jeans. Quickly, I got them off and went running back into the bedroom, slipping on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt. My pants were too big, Alice's were too small. I could only see the results going one way. _

_Edward came back into the room. "Dr. Rudas is available if you want to go right now." _

"_I don't see why not," I said with tear filled eyes. _

_He came over and pulled me into his arms. "Shh, we'll figure this out. You're trying to fix it, which is good. I promise, we'll get you better." He kissed the top of my head and rubbed my back, doing everything that used to soothe me. But nothing could soothe the image of my fat hanging over the waistband of Alice's jeans. _

_Instead of walking the five blocks to Dr. Ruda's office, Edward insist that we take a cab, claiming that I didn't need any exercise, and that he didn't want me in the cold. _

_We were the only ones in the waiting room, which felt weird. If no one else was here, then why did we have to wait? _

_I sat in the waiting room, feeling very anxious. I didn't want the doctor to spill everything in front of Edward. If he knew, he'd be very mad, and I'd have no place to go. He would not love me if he knew everything. _

_The thought horrified me. I loved Edward like I loved dance. I needed them both to survive. If I lost one, the other would feel meaningless. Everyone walked out on me. I couldn't stand it if Edward did, too. _

"_Bella Swan?" The nurse called. "You can come back now." We followed her back, hand in hand. "Now, you are here about what you think is a thyroid problem?" She clarified. _

"_Yes," I answered. "I'm dropping weight despite everything I eat. We think it's getting out of hand." She nodded._

"_I'm going to have to ask you to step on the scale for me." I did as told. When she saw the numbers, she frowned. "And how tall are you?" _

"_Five-four," I said. _

_The frowned deepened. "Alright, you can step off." She lead us to an examination room. "Please take a seat. The doctor will be right with you." She closed the door behind her. I sat down in the chair in the corner before Edward could. He looked at me funny. _

"_I am not _sitting on that table," I said with defiance. 

"Why?" 

"I hate feeling like a patient." He laughed at me. "What?" I demanded. 

"You are just ridiculous sometimes, is all." He continued to chuckle to himself and I rolled my eyes. I've never been to the doctor's before, and my clean record was officially broken. Long live my denial. 

The doctor walked in with a manila folder and a pen. He was very tan, and almost looked Italian with the brown hair and olive skin-tone. "Hello there," he said, holding a hand out to Edward, who resulted in sitting on the examination table. "I'm Dr. Rudas." 

Edward chuckled but shook his hand. "I'm Edward. I think you have me mixed up with your patient, Bella," he gestured towards me. I waved bashfully. 

Even the doctor laughed at me. "Not one for being a patient, I assume?" He asked, holding out a hand. 

"You assume correctly," I said, shaking his hand. 

"Well, fear not, I'm only going to run a couple of tests to see if you have a thyroid defect. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask your friend to leave the room." He smiled apologetically at Edward. He shrugged and didn't object. I was very glad he booted him out. "Now, I noticed you left the date of your last menstrual cycle blank. Is there a reason for that?" He asked. 

"Uh, yes. It was a really long time ago, unfortunately. I can't remember my last one. I assumed it was because of the weight-loss," I explained.

He frowned. "Yes, that is a liable explanation. But a simple urinary test will show any pregnancies. You say there are no symptoms? Just the weight loss?" 

"Yes. I eat normally, I sleep normally," okay, that was a lie. I always feel very uncomfortable when I sleep. My hips and back always feel so sore and hurt like hell, so I just end up walking around the apartment while Edward slept. 

"Okay, well, I'm going to take a blood sample, and then ask you to pee in a cup." He opened one of the drawers and pulled out a rubber band and a needle with a tube attached. "Do you have any problems with blood?" He asked. 

"No."

"Okay, some of my patients get a bit queasy and I need to know." He took my arm, not asking me to sit on the table, and took a yucky looking mustard colored cream and rubbed it on the crook of my arm. He wrapped the band around my arm, creating a tourniquet, and stuck the needle in. I only felt it prick. 

I didn't look to see the blood fill the tube, afraid that I might feel queasy at the sight of it. Dr. Rudas put a cotton ball in replacement of the needle and told me to hold it there. 

"We'll send this in for testing and it should come back at the same time as the urinary test," he said, handing me a cup. "The bathroom is down the hall and to the left." 

I couldn't see Edward in the waiting room from the hall, but I could imagine him fidgeting and pacing back and forth. I pretended this was just an ordinary checkup and that I wasn't lying to the doctor. 

I waited for my test results nervously, waiting to see if it showed anything. Dr. Rudas came back into the room with a neutral expression, examining the results. 

"Well?" I asked. 

"You were right about the weight loss effecting your period," he said, "but the blood test showed extremely low levels of blood sugar and electrolytes." He put down the chart and looked at me, his expression unwavering. 

"So?" I drawled. 

"How long have you been purging?" He asked. 

"Well now I'm really glad you booted out the boyfriend," I chuckled. 

"I suspected when I saw your skin and the painted nails," he said dismissively. "How long?" 

"Maybe two months," I said. I liked this guy. He didn't judge me at all. He just looked like he was having a casual conversation with me. 

"I'm assuming you've been starving yourself, too?" He said. 

"Almost three months," I said. 

"You should get help," he said. 

"You sound like a therapist." 

"I am one, as well as a general practitioner." Explains his calm reaction. 

"I don't want help," I said honestly. 

He shrugged. "It's your body, do what you want with it, I'm just looking out for what is best for a patient." He nodded towards the door. "You should tell him."

"Why would I do something that stupid?" I asked incredulously. "He means the world to me. Telling him would make him hate me and turn away. I'm not chasing away the first person who decided to stay in my life." He held up his hands in defense. 

"It was just a suggestion. If he really loves you, and is as great as you think he is," I was about to argue the 'think', but he cut me off, "then he will not run. He will try to help you." Ok, the shrink talk is really annoying. 

"Look," I said, "I know this sounds really stupid, but I don't want help. Can you just give me some BS prescription for thyroid medication? It can just be vitamin C tablets or something, just help me help him stop worrying." I could see as confliction grew in his face. I really meant what I said, and he knew it. Which is why this decision was so difficult for him. 

He caved. "Okay, I'll write you a 'BS' prescription, but at least stop purging. You'll damage your esophagus, ruin the stomach lining, and damage your teeth." I nodded. "How many times do you purge a day?"

"Depends on if I can get away with hiding food or not. This week it's been pretty bad. Edward's mom has been taking care of me and watches me carefully." 

"Did you purge today?" He asked. 

"Yes," I said, wincing with guilt. 

"How many times?"

"Twice. Breakfast and lunch. We haven't had dinner yet, and I plan on making up some excuse to just skip and go to bed. He's usually very tolerant of skipping dinner, it's just breakfast he's such a worry wart about." He scribbled on a prescription pad. 

"I'm prescribing you some Liotrix. Don't take any or else you will get really sick, and not the kind of sick that makes you lose weight. Please consider getting help," he said. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, I just might not give you the response that you want." 

"Thank you for doing this," I said, ignoring his last statement. "This should hold off until break." I stood up. 

"What is going to happen after break?" He asked. 

I shrugged. "I'll figure something out." He handed me a business card.

"Please call if you need anything or decide you want help." I could see he liked option two better. 

"I'll keep it in mind doc." 

When I walked out into the waiting room, Edward was pacing and his head shot up when he saw me come out. I held up the fake prescription. "Over active thyroid," I said. 

He looked relieved. "That's it?" He asked, putting his hands on my shoulders. 

"That's it," I lied. He put his arms around me and I could feel the pressure lift off his shoulders. I immediately felt better about coming to the doctor. Edward didn't look as worried anymore, as if the prescription melted all his worries away. I smiled. "You can relax now. I'm not diseased." 

He smiled tiredly. "I'm just surprised they didn't find this out at this hospital." That's because the hospital didn't have sympathetic therapists. "I know Alice will be relieved." 

"Yeah. We should get to the pharmacy. I'm really tired, and I feel like Dr. Rudas drained me of all my blood." He chuckled, but didn't object. 

We walked across the street to the convenient neighborhood CVS pharmacy. We sat and waited for my 'prescription' to be filled. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on his shoulders, feeling exhausted. Purging ten times over the course of five days made me feel tired. Thank God this week of care is over. 

"Bella Swan," the pharmacist called. Edward God up and let me sit for a little longer, He paid for the medication, which I would scold him for later, and offered his hand. 

"Let's go home." 

We curled up into bed the minute we got back. His chest became my new pillow, and he didn't mind. He often just stayed up, running a hand through my hair. It helped me fall asleep most of the time, despite my discomfort. He didn't know about the sleeping troubles either. He slept like a rock, so when I got out of the bed at three in the morning, he didn't notice. 

Edward didn't know I was already awake when he said goodbye to me this morning. I woke up with my hips feeling achy. He kissed my exposed temple and whispered, "I love you. So much." He ran his hand along the side of my face before finally going to school. His words made my heart swell, and made the irregular beating seem due to his love rather than the starvation. 

Esme was working on a project today, so I had the apartment to myself, but I didn't want to leave since anyone could pop in to check on me. When I stepped on the scale, I got excited when it said I lost another pound. I returned to Alice's bedroom and tried on her jeans again. They fit a little better, but not quite. Figuring they'd be good motivation, I brought them back to our bedroom and hung them in the closet.. 

The phone rang and I skipped to pick it up. "Hello?" I sang. 

"Bella!" Alice. "I'm so glad that you're okay!" She cried. "I didn't know what to think when I saw you on Tuesday. You were almost as small a me! And I'm several inches shorter than you! That's a scary thought. Anyway, Edward just told me. He's giving me a really annoyed look for being so insistent on calling you. So can you come to the concert tonight? We've got a front row seat saved for you." 

"If I can find a dress that fits," I said sadly. "Everything is so big on me." The thought really depressed me. 

"That isn't a problem! We can take a quick shopping trip and pick out a dress, or we can just have someone take in the Carmen Marc Valvo dress I gave you. Hmm, buying a new dress sounds more fun. I'll stop by after classes are done."

"Sounds like a deal. Now go to class," I ordered her. 

"Ay ay captain!" She hung up. 

We were all happy. I get to continue my weight loss, Edward thinks my problem is solved, and Alice gets to go shopping for a new dress. Sounds like a deal to me. 

Just when I went to go sit on the couch, the phone rang again. 

"What Alice?" I demanded, annoyed with her persistence. 

"Bella?" A familiar gravelly voice answered. I hadn't heard the voice in years. 

"Dad?" I couldn't believe it. 

"I called the dorms, but a man told me you'd moved into an apartment and gave me the number. How have you been?" He asked awkwardly. He never was one for talking. 

"I'm great," I said. "How have you been? I hope you're not eating Billy's fish fry every night like you used to or else you're going to have a heart-attack." He chuckled. 

"No, his wife, Sue, keeps us eating healthy. She's going through this new 'all organic' phase."

"Well that's good. You get to stick around for a little longer. Oh, did you get the ticket?" I asked. 

"Yes, well, that's what I was calling about," _oh no. Please, please, please not another let down. _"I was wondering, instead of me going to New York for a few days, I was wondering if you would like to come here for Christmas break. I got enough for one round ticket, and I found a great deal for a couple week's trip." 

His offer surprised me. I haven't seen or heard from him other than through emails in years. The fact that he wanted me back for Christmas felt very foreign to me. 

My logic started working: with Charlie's elusiveness, he wouldn't notice my shape if I kept it covered. I've never really had an appetite, so he wouldn't question it if I didn't eat much. And if he works during the day, then I wouldn't have to worry about eating. Whereas with the Cullens, they eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and they don't really part from each other during the day, leaving me with zero opportunity to get away from food. 

"I'd love to come and see you," I said honestly. 

"Really?" He said, sounded completely stunned. "You'll come back for Christmas?" 

I chuckled. "Yes, I'll come back for Christmas. Just send me the ticket confirmation and I'll get on the plane." 

"Alright," he said, sounding rather joyous. "I'll send it through email." He paused, then added, "I'm really glad you decided to come back, kid." 

"I'm glad I did, too," _more than you know. _

"Well, I'll see you when you get here." 

"Alright, bye Dad." I'd discuss everything with Edward when he got home. 

All the excitement gave me a new energy that I could survive off of for the day. Figuring I'd never fit into those size three and four jeans ever again, I grabbed my coat and purse and skipped out the door, leaving a note on the counter that read, "gone shopping." 

I walked down Madison Avenue, Lexington, Fifth, and enjoyed walking into all the stores, and for the first, time, going straight to the size zeros. The first store I visited, a cute little boutique, I found their jean shelves and looked through the size zeros, finding a gorgeous pair of dark-wash flair jeans. When I went to the dressing room, they slipped right on. No wiggling, no forcing the zipper, no bending over backwards to get the button. They fit perfectly. Then I wondered what size Alice was, and thought that a size zero wasn't enough. If I was Alice's size, then maybe I'd fit in at school. Maybe I'd get more respect from Rosalie, from the rest of the dancers, and in the NYB. People would know that I deserved to be there, and not just feel petty jealousy towards me. 

When I got a text from Alice, saying she couldn't find me at the apartment, I text back: _meet me at the corner of 79th__ and Madison_. After standing for five minutes, I finally saw Alice come running down the sidewalk with a huge smile on her face. 

"Bella!" She collided with me, and if it weren't for me bracing for it, I would've certainly toppled over. 

"Hey Alice!" I greeted. I felt pretty cheery today. She was dressed in a little trench coat and a wool hat, wearing little Tory Burch flats. I wish I could look that tiny. "Oh, I need to show you the jeans I bought!" I said excitedly. "I found them at this cute little boutique on Lexington." I pulled them out of the shopping bag and showed them to her.

She took them out of my hand and examined them. She nodded approvingly. "Wow, these look cute!" Then she looked at the label on the inside and frowned. "Bella, these would fit _me_." She looked at me with narrowed eyes. 

"No they wouldn't," I scoffed. "You're tiny. And short--no offense." She is a couple sizes smaller than me. These jeans would eat her alive. 

"None taken, though I do prefer you call it 'vertically challenged,' or 'fun size.'" She forgot the whole 'I'm your size' argument and linked arms with me. "We need to find you an amazing dress for tonight. We don't need a ball gown, per se, but maybe something along the lines of a cocktail dress." 

Bergdorf Goodman department store knew Alice well. They knew her by , "Miss Alice," but she winked at me and said, "Soon to be Mrs. Whitmore." Her eyes sparkled whenever the subject of Jasper or her wedding came into discussion. When we entered the dress department, she breathed in deep and let out her breath slowly. 

"Ha," she breathed, "The sweet scent of silk and chiffon." She slowly went through all the racks, running her hands along the skirts of the dresses, looking like a little girl in Wonderland. I've never seen someone as passionate about clothes than Alice. 

On the fourth rack, she stopped, gasped, and took out something purple. "Oh, my, GOD!" She squealed. She looked up with excited eyes. "They have the new season of Marchessa!" Running back, she held up the dress. "Look at that! Strapless sweetheart neckline, silvertone and purple beading with ruched crisscross detail on the bust, empire waist, shirred skirt with cutaway detail, pure silk chiffon and silk lining, it's a masterpiece." 

I looked at her, amazed. "How on earth do you know all that?" I asked incredulously. 

"I make it my business to know," she said simply, shoving the dress towards me. "Now try it on. Can I get a dressing room?" A store attendant passed by. 

"Of course, Miss Alice." She took the dress out of Alice's hands and gestured for me to follow. Alice bounced behind me as the sales woman led me to the changing rooms. Alice sat down next to the three-sixty mirror and shooed me. 

"Go try it on." The sales woman stood next to her. 

In the dressing room, I looked at myself in the mirror. Thank goodness for the empire waist, or else everyone would see my hips and tubby waist. The dress was a little big, but Alice insisted I still come out and showed her. When I stepped out, she looked very pleased. 

"Perfect. How did I know this?" She asked the woman. 

"Your fashion sense and keen intuition," she answered, as if rehearsed. 

"It's purple," I said flatly. 

"Violet," Alice argued. "It's simple, classy, and has a little bit of flare to it. You're a simple kind of girl, Bella," I looked at her sarcastically, "Okay, on the outside you're very simple. Simple suits you." 

"Will you be shopping today Miss Alice?" The sales woman asked. 

Alice shook her head. "No, I have this lovely Valentino bow-tie dress that is perfect." The woman nodded. 

"Should I ring this up?" 

"Do you think we could have the bust and waist taken in by tonight?" 

She continued to discuss a tailor while I stared at myself, displeased. My hips stuck out from the chiffon, and the little bump my butt created didn't look like it was supposed to be there. My shoulders looked smaller, and my collar bones jutted out, but everything looked so disproportional. 

"Earth to Bella…" Alice waved her hand in front of me. 

"Sorry," I said, "I was dreaming of the day you no longer had a credit card. All the major department stores and little boutiques went out of business. It was quite tragic."

"Smart-ass," she muttered. "Take off the dress. We can pick it up after lunch." _Lunch. _She stood up and grabbed her purse. "Edward will flip if he finds out I didn't feed you. He's got rehearsals all day today with the symphony, so he won't be able to join us." 

"That's okay," I said. 

When we sat down at a little café, I asked Alice, "How has the showcase rehearsals been going? I mean, you still remember the steps and everything?" 

She rolled her eyes and leaned back into her chair, picking and her nails. "Believe it or not, Bella, the rehearsals can run without you. We don't want to embarrass ourselves with a terrible dance, and even thought most people in there want to see you fail, we all love to put on a show. Everything is fine. You can stop stressing so much." She sounded serious, which made me uncomfortable. 

"Well you can't blame me for asking," I said, "Most of the girls in there would pay to see me fail. I'm sure Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley were excited when they heard I'd be out for a week." 

"Oh, please," Alice scoffed, "Those bitches couldn't sabotage you even if they wanted to. They don't have the mental capacity to plan any malicious intents. They don't know the difference between their mouths and their ass-holes." She shook her head. "Anyway, Edward is getting on my nerves. He's always talking about you. If he's not busy glorifying you, he's busy worrying about you. What do you see in him? I think he's just a hovering, clingy guy."

"He's real," I shrugged. 

"What do you mean by real?" She asked philosophically. 

How do you put Edward into words? "I don't know. He's just…real."

"Pretend I'm from another planet." 

"I do." 

"Shut up. Just explain."

"I don't know…" I shrugged, "He's just a very open person. No hidden agendas, no false pretenses, I find that I can be my alone-self with him." Well, partially, anyways. 

"Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"

"You know how you act when you're alone?" I asked, she nodded, "Well, I can act the same way when he's around. I could curse like a sailor and he wouldn't mind. I can tackle him if he's being annoying like I throw things at the wall when they irritate me. I don't have to hide anything from him." I literally looked up into the sky, waiting for lightning to strike. 

"See? That wasn't hard," she snickered. "I guess I understand what you mean. So you don't mind that he hovers over you constantly and can't find anything to talk about but you and can't seem to function without you around? Doesn't that weird you out at all?"

"Alice, I've been alone almost my entire life. It's a nice change to have someone constantly there for you like Edward is for me. You're fortunate in the way that you've always had support for everything you chose to do. For the first time, I have someone like that. You don't just let good things like that go." I really didn't want to eat the salad the waiter put in front of me. 

She dug into her pasta dish. "Well, that's certainly a positive outlook on life. So basically you're saying Edward's the best thing that happened to you?" She asked, still looking into her dish. 

"Not necessarily," I said. 

"Yeah?" She wouldn't look up.

"Well when you think about it, none of this would've happened if you hadn't forced me into that damn Pucci bikini." Her head shot up and she smiled. 

"I love you, too, Bella." she looked at my bowl of salad. "Aren't you going to eat?" 

"I can't eat after taking my thyroid medication. Sorry, I should've thought about that before I ordered. I'll pay for it--"

"No worries," she said with a smile. 

I told myself she suspected nothing. She wouldn't lie to me. She can't lie. Not with those open and trusting eyes and broad smile. 


	14. Chapter 13

Alice hired a town car to take us to the performance. When we got to the theater, everyone was dressed in suit and tie, the women dressed in similar gowns like ours. Washington State and Arizona State University didn't have suit-and-tie affairs. New York had class.

Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Jasper or Edward before the concert, so we just took our seats and enjoyed the show.

To say the performance was magical is an understatement. Edward performed a Rachmoninov concerto that simply blew me away. From what I could hear of the basses in Bach's fugue in D minor, Jasper sounded pretty spectacular, too. When the concert was over, Alice and I stood up and clapped, whistled, did everything that obnoxious fans do. She pulled me out of the seat when the curtain closed.

"Follow me," she demanded. We walked briskly out of the theater and into the lobby. She weaved us in and out of the crowd, finding a small hallway that led to a series of passages. "If I remember correctly, this door," we finally stopped after a long hallway, "they will meet us out here."

"Why all the way back behind the theater?" I asked.

"Quicker escape," she said with a wink. I snickered.

We waited for a while before the door opened and revealed Jasper, his bowtie hanging from around his neck. Alice leapt into his arms in her five inch stilettos and Valentino dress.

Jasper looked at me. "He's in there talking with someone. You can go ahead and go in."

"Thanks."

Who does Edward talk to? I mean, besides me and his family. He must have friends, but mostly he'd seemed like a loner outside of Jasper. When I thought about it, Edward was much like me. Pretty lonely, confided little, and preferred staying to himself.

When I rounded the corner, I found myself on stage, where I saw Edward sitting at the piano, with someone I thought I'd never meet. The man looked up from their, apparently, entertaining conversation. Edward followed his gaze and turned to see me. When his eyes lit up, I didn't feel self-conscious, I didn't feel too fat or too skinny, I felt perfect. I felt like I was perfect for him.

"Sorry," I said, "am I interrupting?"

Edward snapped out of his daze and stood up from his piano bench, practically running over to me. "I'm very glad you did," he said with a chuckle. He lifted me into his arms and spun me in a little circle, which made me laugh. "My God, you look beautiful," he gasped, giving me a chaste kiss.

"Why thank you," I said. "Who's your friend?" I asked, even though no introductions were needed. Everyone knew who the legend was.

"A very special friend of mine," he said, taking my hand and guiding me over to where he stood. "This is Yo-Yo Ma. He's the one--"

I laughed. "I know, Edward, I remember." I stuck my hand out for a shake. "It's an honor to meet you. I'm Bella."

He's a man of medium build, rectangular frameless glasses, blockish face, and rather large hands. His hair was slicked back nicely and he dressed himself in a nice suit.

"It's nice to meet you, Bella. And you are Edwards…?" Aw, he didn't know how to address me.

"Girlfriend," I said with a chuckle. "Thank you for offering Edward to tour with you," I said, gratefully. Edward looked like he was going to say something against it, but I cut him off saying, "He really looks forward to working with you."

"Likewise," he said. "He's a dedicated and talented pianist. But like I promised, I'm holding off until graduation," he said, and my smile wavered. "I don't want to pressure you into this Edward,"

"No, no, it's nothing like that," he interrupted gently, turning to me slightly, "I just want to be one-hundred percent sure it's what I want to do." Edward subtly took my hand and gave it a squeeze. Despite my annoyance with his decision, I squeezed back.

Yo-Yo looked at his watch. "Well, I've got a flight to Washington DC tomorrow morning, so I should probably take off. It was nice seeing you again, Edward," he said, shaking hands, then turning to me, "and it was a pleasure meeting you Bella."

"The pleasure is mine. Have a good evening."

"You, too."

Edward and I watched as he exited the stage. After the door closed, I turned to Edward with my arms folded across my flat chest. His hands shot up in defense like I had a gun pointed at him.

"Before you--"

"We discussed this Edward," I said sternly. He put his arms down and ran his hand through his hair. "We discussed this. I wouldn't get in the way of your accomplishments. That was the deal. Remember?"

He seemed torn, which made my heart sink. _He can't chose me over success. He can't give up his dreams. Not for me. _He unfolded my arms and held my hands.

"I remember," he said softly. His green eyes stared into mine. "But, Bella, I can barely stand being away from you for a day. A year is really beginning to sound unbearable."

I shook my head furiously at his words. "No," I said, sounding stubborn. "No, you promised. You promised you'd accept his offer. I do not regret my decision, not one bit, because I fell in love with you," my voice began to crack, "but you can't give up that life for me. When I told you yes, you said you would accept his offer. Don't go back on a promise you made me."

He looked so uncertain of himself, and it tore me apart. "If I didn't go, what would you do?" He asked.

"I'd drug you, put you in a trunk, and check you in as baggage and take the first class seat for myself," I said seriously.

"Seriously," he said, looking worried. I wanted to smack the look off his face.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" I cried. "You have to go!" My tears began to bubble over and I yanked my hands out of his and started walking away.

I lie to him. Almost every day. He can't give up his dream for a liar. He deserves better. Even though my heart aches at the thought of him leaving, I couldn't have him give up everything he worked hard for. Opportunity opened it's doors to him, and he better take the invite. I could hear him walking after me, but I didn't turn around.

"Bella!" He caught me by the arm and immediately pulled me into his arms. I cried. He swayed me back and forth, but nothing could soothe the thoughts he put in my head. I couldn't stand the thought of Edward struggling. Yo-Yo Ma could give him everything, and he was thinking of turning it down because of me. A lying, cheater of a girlfriend, who fooled him without him even noticing. "Why are you so upset about me staying? Do you really want me to leave you that badly?" I couldn't tell if he really meant it.

"Of course I don't want you to leave me," I said, trying to slow my breaths. "It's just that when you say you're giving up this huge opportunity because of me, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt and I can't stand it. If I had the opportunity to dance with the Moscow Ballet for a year, would you let me pass it up?"

"You did pass it up," he said with a chuckle.

"You know what I mean," I said, laughing despite myself.

"No, I understand. I'd force you to go." He said, sighing.

"Besides," I said, looking up at him, "You need to get used to not seeing me every day." I guess the news couldn't wait.

His confused expression looked troubled. "What do you mean?"

"My dad offered me a trip to Washington for Christmas. I'm going to see what of my family I can patch up." He looked shocked.

"That's great!" He said, a smile lighting up his face. "When did this happen?"

"This afternoon," I said, wiping away my tears. "He said he could either come to the showcase or I could go see him for a couple of weeks."

"When are you leaving?" He asked, wrapping an arm around my waist and guiding me down the hallway in a different direction from which Alice brought me.

"I don't know, he's sending me the ticket confirmation through email. But I'm hoping we can mend things a little bit. He's not like Renee or anything, he's just very quiet, and doesn't quite know how to support my decisions." When he opened the door, we were in the back of the theater. A town car waited for us.

"Does this mean I get to give you your Christmas present early?" He joked.

"I don't want anything," I laughed, "but I'll give you yours early."

"You got me something?" He asked, surprised.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I did. What kind of a girlfriend do you think I am?"

Being stuck in the apartment for over a week gave me something to do, especially with Esme telling me everything she knew about her son. Turns out the only pieces he plays at home are his own compositions. I never knew. I just thought they were beautiful songs. When I dug through some of his books, I found all his compositions, scribbled on crappy sheet music paper. So I visited a publisher and got his compositions printed and bound in a book, along with plenty of blank composition paper with "Composed by Edward A. Cullen," in the top margins. No more crappy composition paper for him. He deserves better.

"I wish you didn't get me anything. You've given me everything I need." It sounded cheesy, but I love him more for saying it. He sat in the back with me, holding my had, rubbing his thumb over my fingers.

"Too, bad. The damage is done. And what do you mean I've 'given you everything'? All I do is mooch off of you and sleep in your apartment. That isn't exactly giving much. Not including paying my recent medical expenses, for unnecessary shopping expenses, for--"

"You've given me you, and that's more than I could ever ask for." The way he said it meant 'end of discussion.'

I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I love you."

He kissed my hand. "I love you, too."

We were silent the rest of the way home. The snow on the ground made the city glow even more than before. Christmas lights sprung up everywhere, and Central Park looked amazing. We watched the city go by out the window, and I remembered why I chose New York: it was simply the best place on Earth. A place of opportunity, beauty, and a great place to find love. When I first came here, I thought I rediscovered my love for dance, when really, Fate sent me to find Edward.

Figuring we hadn't really celebrated my performance or Edward's, mine for medical reasons his for the argument, and went straight to the kitchen, puling out a bottle of champagne and two flutes.

"Are we celebrating?" He asked.

"Yes," I said. I was about to pull out the cork-screw, but Edward stopped my hands.

"Allow me," he said. He grabbed a knife from a drawer. "I want to show you something." With a quick swipe, Edward held the edge of the knife on the neck of the bottle and shot it to the tip, where the cork shot off with a loud "POP!" and bubbles exploded from the mouth.

I started giggling and clapping like a kid seeing a magic trick. "Well done." I quickly grabbed the champagne flutes and filled them as the explosion slowly stopped. Edward put the bottle back on the counter and I offered him a glass.

"What are we toasting to?" he asked.

I thought about it for a moment. "To love. Without it, the world would be a cruel and bitter place, and without it, I would not have you. Enough said."

He smiled softly and tapped his glass against mine. "To love." After a sip, he put a hand on my neck and pulled me in for a soft and tender kiss.

I smiled against his lips. "I really liked the party trick. I have a few of my own, you know."

"Really?" He said, pulling away and leaning against the counter-top.

"Yes, only I'm not willing to share mine so openly." I said mischievously. He looked pleasantly surprised. Taking his hand, I pulled him into the formal living room, where the piano sat near a wall of floor-length windows. "Come on, I want you to serenade me with one of those beautiful pieces you composed."

"How do you know I wrote them?" He asked, trying to use reverse psychology.

"You can't fool me. You left me alone with your mother multiple times this week for long periods of time. Be prepared to have you come up as a subject. Many secrets were spilled, and many memories were shared." He set his glass on top of the cover that was closed, but I held onto mine, taking sips and a seat next to Edward on the bench. "Let's here it."

"Alright," he chuckled, placing his hands gingerly on the keys.

A beautiful melody softly filled the apartment. It was nothing like the aggressive Rachomoninov or Bach. This was Edward. His music sounded almost like a soothing lullaby, a melody meant to be remembered by all who hear it. His hands glided over the keys with otherworldly grace and precision, so certain of their placement. He kept his eyes closed, not needing to see the keys to know which ones he pressed. I could see his confidence when he played, the comfort the music brought him, and the happiness it brought me to see him doing something he felt so passionate about. I could never take something like that away from him.

After a rather dark bridge, his hands glided in a scale to a higher octave, finishing on a light and quiet note. He sat there for a few moments, letting the sound ring and hang in the air. When he removed his hands, he put them in his lap and looked up at me.

"I made you cry again," he said.

Startled out of my inner thoughts, I dumbly said, "What?" I wiped my cheek and found that a tear had escaped. "No, that's not a sad tear," I said, smiling. I took his hand firmly in mine. "That was the most beautiful sound I've heard all night. I think the composer deserves a little," I cocked my head to the side, "reciprocation."

He raised his brows. "Reciprocation? That sounds interesting. What did you have in mind?" I handed him his champagne glass. He downed it and put the glass back, keeping his hands free.

"Didn't you want to see my party tricks?" I asked coyly.

"Now I'm intrigued," he said.

"Join me on the couch," I ordered.

We walked over to the couch and I pushed him to sit down, not going down with him. "As you know, my mother dated a lot before she met Phil and got remarried," I paced slowly in front of him with my hands behind my back. "During which time, she taught me some…party tricks," I said.

"Such as?" He grinned, getting interested.

"The first, is the classic disappearing act," I said, stopping in front of him. I took the last sip of my champagne and set the flute on the coffee table.

"What will be disappearing?" I could see his eyes darken and I felt pleased with myself. It was working.

"Close your eyes." He shut his eyes and put his hand over them for good measure. With quick and easy access, I unzipped the back of the dress and let it fall to a puddle of silk and chiffon at my feet. "Open." His eyes opened and he sucked in a short breath.

Black lace became a little too cliché for me, but a black satin corset does the job real quick. He let out his breath quickly and began to tap his fingers on his lap. "Any other tricks?" He asked.

"Second: I can easily remove any inhibitions you might have."

"And how do you plan to accomplish that?"

"It's already done," I said simply. He snickered.

"Oh, really?"

"What do you think the champagne was for?"

"Sneaky," he conceded, "and effective. Anything else."

"Hypnotism."

"Ooh, that's a good one," he said with feign seriousness. "How do you plan on hypnotizing me?"

Slowly, I came over and straddled him, leaning forward until our faces were almost close enough to touch. I could feel his pulse pick up and smiled with hooded eyelids. "You say that as if you aren't hypnotized already."

He didn't allow me to escape. His arms snaked around me faster than I could think and smashed our faces together in a kiss so powerful and passionate, it could've burned down all the trees in Central Park.

After successfully removing his sport coat and dress shirt, he figured enough was enough and took me straight to the bedroom. After tossing me on the bed and removing the rest of his clothes, he said, "I like that first party trick. Do you think you can do it again with that corset?"

After about two hours of sleep, my body started aching. Everywhere. As silent as I could, I got up from the bed, creating as little motion as possible. Slipping into the bathroom, I closed the door quietly and turned on the lights.

The figure in the mirror looked happy in her facial features. Her hair fell loosely past her shoulders in messy curls, her skin glowed, and her eyes looked glazed over from a post pleasure state. But where her hip bones stuck out, mild and ugly yellow bruises appeared, and her body looked stiff.

In a truly horrifying thought and revelation, I realized I would never be enough. I would never be a good enough dancer, I would never be a good enough daughter, I would never be a good enough friend or girlfriend.

I would never be skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, clever enough, funny enough. What it basically all came down to was I would never be enough.

I will never be enough for Edward.


	15. Chapter 14

"Bella, would you calm down for two seconds?" He chuckled, stopping me from pacing across the entire apartment with his hands on my shoulders.

"No one told me that this showcase was a bidding war!" I cried. "There's going to be scouts from every major dance company sitting in that audience in," I checked the big clock on the wall, "three hours!"

"Bella," he said calmly. "Take a deep breath," I breathed in and out. "No, a _deep _breath. Breathe in," he said, I took a slow breath inwards and held it. "Now breathe it out slowly." I did as told. "Do you think that any of the offers will sway you from the NYB?"

I closed my eyes and tried to think clearly. "Yes."

"Okay. Are you happy about that?"

"Yes."

"Then relax," he breathed. "Your showcase is perfect. Now let me here you say it."

"My showcase is perfect." My words fell flat.

"Let's hear a little confidence in it this time."

"My showcase," breathe, "is perfect. My showcase is perfect, my showcase is perfect," I continued to repeat it to myself as I walked away from him and started packing my things: costume for opening dance: check. Costume for solo: check. Perfect little black dress: check. All shoes, hair and makeup bag, iPod, 'medication', speech cards (oh, the dreaded speech), all into the dance duffel.

"Do you want to eat something before you go?" He called from somewhere.

"If I eat anything now," I said, "I'll puke."

His voice came from the bedroom doorway now, "Have you ever been this nervous before?" He asked.

"I'm always this nervous before a show," I said honestly.

"I've never seen you like this before," he chuckled disbelievingly.

"Proof that I feel more comfortable around you than anybody else," I explained, throwing my duffel onto the bed. I looked to him and tried to calm down. "Okay, I have this ritual before a show. It's a complete nerve-kill. About ten minutes before the five-minute call, I go to the very front corner of stage right, which, from the audience, looks like stage left. Anyway, I go there and hide behind all the curtains. All the sounds from the chaos backstage are blocked out, and the only sounds I hear come from the audience. I close my eyes, and imagine myself dancing. It's like a fast-forward of the entire showcase. The sound of the audience calms me down and starts up my adrenaline. Until then, I'm a complete nervous wreck. Do you think you can keep a cap on me until then?" I asked. "It's a lot of responsibility."

He chuckled, cupped my face in his hands. "I think I can handle you." He kissed me gently. I enjoyed it for a moment.

"Okay, okay, don't mess up the makeup job," I pushed him away and went to the bathroom to check on my hair. The hair was tricky: I styled it into waterfall curls, compacted them into a tight hairnet and disguised as a bun. For the opening performance, it had to be up. Then for my speech, it had to be down, then for my solo, it had to be up again. The first two changes happened back to back, but I had a good hour before my last dance.

"It's just as perfect as the last time you checked it…fifteen minutes ago." He said.

"Sorry!" I said, sounding like a child who just got busted with their hand in the cookie jar before dinner. "I'm always nervous before a show, I'll admit that, but do you have any idea how nerve-wracking it is to have _your _choreography, _your_ dancers, and _your _dance skills being scrutinized by some of the world's best dance companies? I have never, in my entire dance career, been this nervous." I stood in the bathroom doorway, hands on my hips, staring at Edward.

He was getting dressed in a nice casual suit: charcoal with a light blue dress shirt. No tie. "Bella, I am very aware that you are nervous to the point of breakdown," he said it like someone would say Rhode Island is a state: very small fact, but Rhode Island certainly has a lot of history. "But," he continued, "I am also aware that you are the best dancer at that school, a damn good choreographer in your professor's eyes, and that any of those dance companies you are so concerned with impressing should try to be impressing you." His twist on my feelings shocked me. "They should be honored to have such a beautiful and talented dancer performing in their company."

I hugged him and didn't let go for a long time. "You know, they should really hand out trophies for the best pep talks." He chuckled and kissed the top of my head, watching for the curls.

"If they did?" he asked.

"I'd give you the biggest one they got." I looked at the clock on the nightstand. "Okay, I should really get going. I need to make sure the stage is set, all the girls have their hair done right, and the lighting people are well prepared. Okay," I kissed him on the lips. "I love you, and I'll see you at the show." I slipped into my boots and coat.

"I'll see you there."

I took the elevator, saving my energy for the dance. I hailed a cab and ate an apple on the way across town. I didn't like eating; it was difficult, but necessary before a show. I didn't want to have a repeat of the production. I told the driver to drop me off at the back door.

When I walked in, all my dancers were just putting down their things. A few of the backstage crew members were running about.

"Girls, get your hair done. Guys, start stretching," I ordered, walking over to one of the light directors. "Is there any problems?" I demanded.

He was really tall, but I wasn't intimidated. I felt a little scarier than him at the moment. "We are just trying to get the order of the lights clear, and the screen for the third dance needs to be moved forward a bit since the lights can't reach back that far."

"Well how much farther forward are we talking about?" I asked.

"Maybe three feet. Why?"

"Because I don't want my dancers falling off the stage!"

And so the madness continued. For two hours, I ran to and fro backstage, fixing hair, stitching costume malfunctions, yelling at the lighting people, threatening the guys with their lives if they didn't stop messing around with the girls, finding missing shoes, looking for missing people (found making out in the hall), adjusting makeup, and doing last minute reminders about the routines.

After scolding Victoria about eating the food I had set out for the stage crew, I heard her mumble, "I wouldn't be talking, fat ass."

I thought about that apple that I ate and wanted to get rid of, but that was over two hours ago. Feeling sick to my stomach, I retreated to my corner of the stage, figuring it was about that time anyway.

I couldn't think of the routine. All I could think about was Victoria's words. They ran through my mind repeatedly like a broken record. Panic started building in my chest and I could feel tears stinging in my eyes. I couldn't perform like this.

I called Edward. If anyone could keep me rooted to the ground, he could. If anyone could make me think clearly, it was Edward.

"Hello?" He answered. I could hear the crowd in the background, beginning to settle in their seats.

"Tell me what you think of me," I demanded, sounding a bit tearful.

"What?" He asked.

"Just tell me what you think of me; emotionally, physically, intellectually, whatever."

"Excuse me," he mumbled away from the phone. "Bella, where is this coming from? I thought we went over this."

"We went over the showcase. But right now, I just need someone to tell me their honest opinion of me. No bullshit." Just talking to him made me feel a little better, but my breathing still didn't calm down.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped, breathing in relief when I saw it was Edward. He took me by the shoulders and forced me to look into his eyes as he said, "Bella, you are beautiful. You have hair that I can't help but run my hands through, skin that I want to touch all the time, deep brown eyes that I could stare into forever, a body that I want to hold in my arms every time I see you, a quick wit that always keeps me on my toes, no filter for your thoughts that gives me honest opinions, and a heart with so much love and passion it could burn this entire concrete jungle down." I understood why he forced me to look into his eyes. The spoke wonders. "I love you. Now is that enough?"

"More than enough," I whispered. The panic in my chest died down, and was replaced with a soothing calm. "Thank you. I'm sorry for freaking out like that but Victoria made a comment and I snapped. I blew it out of proportion. I'm sorry."

"What did she say to you?" He demanded.

"It's not important," the incredulous expression told me he was about to argue on the point. "What _is _important," I cut him off, "is that you set me straight. And you will probably have to do this before every performance for the rest of my life." On that light note, I kissed him, not worried about my makeup or my hair or the man calling "FIVE MINUTES!" backstage. "I love you," I murmured against his lips.

"I love you, too. Now go put on a show." He pulled away and blew me a kiss.

When I came out of the curtains, I felt more confident and ready for the performance than I did when I first arrived. "Everyone! Come here!" All the dancers came onto the stage and stood around me. "First, I just want to thank everyone for working so hard. My thanks go to you." They applauded themselves. "I know I've been a pain in the ass, and I appreciate you tolerating my inner bitch," they chuckled, "but right now, the focus is you. Not me, not the dances, but you. Good luck out there tonight. Scouts from every major dance company are sitting in that audience tonight, and I want to see every single one of you have a place to go after graduation tonight. Let's here it." We all applauded and I looked around at my dancers, who now had a new spark in their eye and a new electricity in the air. I'm glad I shared that last bit of information. "Now places."

The curtains opened, the music started, and I blended in with the dancers, not feeling the spotlight at all. And for once, I didn't mind. Until the bridge came in to cue my solo, I don't think anyone besides Edward's family knew I was there. At the end of the opening performance, I ran off stage and quickly changed into my little black dress, changed shoes, and yanked out the hairnet. I forgot about the speech cards, figuring I'd just wing it.

I stepped out on stage again, and the audience applauded, sending a wave of excitement throughout my body. I grabbed the microphone.

"Good evening, and welcome to the Senior Showcase of 2009." I let them clap for a few moments before continuing. "Thank you all for coming tonight. The performance you just saw was all of our best seniors who will be graduating in the spring of 2010." I decided to kick off a different note. "When my ballet instructor, Professor Perron, asked me to do this showcase, I was blown away. But when I accepted it, I never expected how much hell people have to go through to put these things together," I said bashfully, and a the audience laughed. "Throughout this past semester, I've seen these dancers grow, and learn to work together. When I was out, I depended on them to work as a group rather than spotlight individuals, and they pulled through. This showcase would've been impossible without the hard work and dedication of these dancers. Let's hear it for them." I hoped they heard the intense applause, because that would give me such a rush. "I would also like to thank Professor Perron, for giving me the opportunity and having such faith in me.

"How many of you went to last week's symphony concert?" I asked. The majority of the audience raised their hands. "Well, the genius who sat at the piano plays a major role in this showcase. Edward Cullen gives the best pep talks in the world, and has been responsible for keeping my head on straight when I blow a gasket." Everyone chuckled. "Without his constant love and support, I would've never had the strength to pull this together. So thank you," I said, staring at him in the front row. "Enjoy the rest of the show."

"We did it guys!" All the dancers put their wine glasses up for a toast. "To cheap wine and good company." They all laughed, taking their wine glasses and dance bags to head into the lobby for the after party. I stayed behind for a few minutes, wanting to take in the quiet of the theater.

When I walked onto the stage, there was a small audience awaiting me: Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward all start clapping. Emmett obnoxiously starting whooping and hollering. Jasper settled on a high pitched whistle. I blushed and gave a little curtsy. Alice leapt onto the stage and ran to give me a hug.

"Congratulations!" She said. "Everyone love it, as expected."

"And you two," I said, glancing over at Rosalie, "were absolutely stunning out here tonight. Thank you for looking insanely fabulous."

"You know it!" Alice said.

I knelt down at the edge of the stage and let Edward take hold of my hips and lift me down. Esme embraced me with a hug.

"You all were absolutely wonderful tonight. That's the best performance I've seen yet."

"You were stunning, to say the least," Carlisle added.

"Thank you," I said, pulling out of Esme's embrace. Turning to Alice, I said, "You nailed those fouetes in your solo, and Rosalie," she looked shocked when I turned to her, "Your Russians were flawless. I don't think I could ever reach that position."

"Th-thank you," she said, looking surprised that I even addressed her at all.

"Should we go out and socialize?" Carlisle held his arm out for Esme.

"Of course. I saw the Prakers somewhere around here and I thought…" their conversation drifted off as they headed towards the theater doors, followed by Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie.

"Not one for socializing?" Edward asked, sitting me on the edge of the stage. He kept his hands on my thighs, which made me feel exposed and self conscious. I took his hands in mine instead.

"No, I just wanted a quiet moment. It's been complete chaos since five o'clock. I just needed to rest for a minute." I felt shaky on my legs and needed to regain my balance. My hands shook slightly, but Edward took it as the adrenaline wearing off.

"We could go home, if you want."

"No. I'm the producer of the show. I need to go out there and mingle and get drunk off the champagne." He smiled, and it was infectious.

"How do you feel? Is the medication working alright?" He asked.

"Gained five pounds," I lied smoothly.

"Good. You don't feel dizzy, lightheaded?"

I groaned. "I'm fine. Stop worrying. The world is steady beneath my feet," lie, "I feel sturdy and solid," lie, I feel like jello, "and my head is about to become clouded from consuming a large amount of champagne." First truth of the ran. "Join me," I said, hopping off the stage and taking Edward's hand. "Besides, we haven't spoken with your family in a while. We need to reconnect."

"That we do."

The lobby was packed with scouts, sponsors, parents, alumni, and my dancers, all talking with someone. When I walked in, several women walked up to me.

"Are you Bella Swan?" They all asked.

"Yes," I said warily.

They all struggled to get the first word in, but they were all from different ballets: Chicago, Anaheim, Milwaukee, all the places I had no interest in going. After talking with each of them individually for five minutes each, I told Edward, "Can you get me another glass of champagne?"

"You want to be tipsy in front of the scouts?" He asked jokingly.

"I'm staying in New York. I've made up my mind. I'm going to stay here and dance. Besides, Milwaukee? Seriously? No way. I'm not moving to the Midwest."

"Wisconsin cheese!" He said brightly.

"Shut up. Go get me more champagne."

Alice and Rosalie all got offers which they would consider, but I stuck with my plan. Emmett and I were completely wasted by the time we stumbled out of there. Emmett and I declared that we were official drunk buddies.

"Edward," Rosalie said behind Emmett and I, "I'm concerned. Your girlfriend is in trouble if she's drinking with Emmett."

"Hurricane!" Emmett shouted, grabbing me under the arms and spinning us in circles, making "WHOOSH" ing noises. I squealed and he spun until he started tripping over his own feet. He set me down and I felt tipsy on my own feet. And in heels, that's not safe, but who cared?

"Dude!" Emmett said, regaining his balance and looking at Edward, "Your girlfriend weighs, like, nothing! She was going to blow away with the swell!" Wow he was drunk!

"Shut up Emmett!" I shouted, slapping him hard on the arm.

"Come to the gym and I'll put some meat on those skinny bones."

"Enough Emmett," Edward scolded from behind.

"Don't be such a grouch Edward!" I chastised. "Emmett, I do not want to lift weights. I don't want to get man-arms." Building muscle puts on weight. Weight is something I don't need.

"Bella!" Alice chastised.

"Whoa," I said, standing still for a moment, "did I just say that out loud?"

"Yes!" She said, a severe expression of concern on her face.

"Whoops," I giggled. "Ignore me. I'm drunk. Let's go clubbing!" I declared.

"Yeah!" Emmett cheered. "Bella, you are my drunk soul mate. We think so alike. I think we should go to this one place near my gym. You'll love it!" We linked arms and stumbled together towards the park. When Edward offered to get a cab, Emmett and I claimed we needed fresh air. I don't think Edward could agree more.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Edward said in a wary tone.

"Oh, stuff it in your socks," I said with a wave of the hand. "Besides, don't you want to dance with me?" I pretended to sound hurt. His expression reflected Alice's and Rose's. "You guys are such party poopers!" I whined. I looked at Alice and chuckled in the Dodo voice, "No cooperation, no cooperation at all."

Emmett and I looked at each other and sang, "Every party needs a pooper and that's why we invited YOU-OO!" We giggled and the three sober ones in the back rolled their eyes. A couple of people passing by even started laughing. We were the entertainment of the night.

"I think we should get you both home before you make fools of yourselves," Rosalie said.

"And before you seriously hurt yourself," Alice added, not very happily.

"The time has come, my little friend, to think of other things!" I sang. "Besides safety, I mean." She narrowed her eyes. She knew where this was going.

And she walked right into it. "Such as?"

"Like cabbages and kings!" Emmett and I sang simultaneously.

"Very funny," she said, despite her tone, she broke out in a smile. "Like I haven't heard that one before."

On that topic, we sang, "A-ah very happy unbirthday to you--to you-to you! A very happy unbirthday to you! Now blow the candles out my dear and make your wish come true!"

Despite protests from behind us, we walked into the first club we saw, and it was actually very nice. The bar was crowded and the dance floor was packed. I pulled Edward to the dance floor.

It started out fun. Even Alice and Rosalie joined in with Emmett, Edward and I. Jasper opted to sit at the bar with a glass of Jack. Edward wouldn't let me have any alcohol, claiming the champagne made me tipsy enough. I discovered that Edward is certainly a good dancer. No groping and grinding for Edward.

It ended in disaster. The faces on the dance floor started to blur dramatically, The sounds got quiet, and eventually stopped. Everyone kept dancing, But I felt myself stop. The only thing I could hear was the erratic drumming in my ears.

"Edward," I whispered, tugging on his shirt. "I think I need to go home."

He looked confused and his mouth opened really wide then closed it. I fumbled with my shaking hand and grabbed his, squeezing it, hoping it would convey the message. He put two hands on my shoulders and tried looking in my face, but I couldn't see him clearly.

"Home," I whispered again. How come he couldn't hear me?

He turned to someone and turned back to me. He pulled me out of the packed dance floor and guided me outside. The cold air knocked everything out me.

"Bella!" All the sound came rushing back.

"Ow!" I slapped my hands over my ears. "Whoa that was weird."

"What happened?" He demanded.

"I really don't think I'm supposed to be drinking with my medication," I said, holding my head in my hand. "Jesus, I'm not going to remember a thing tomorrow."

"What happened?" He demanded, much more firmly.

"I don't know. Everything just zoned out and I couldn't hear anything, and all the faces blurred together. It was _weird_." I was either totally wasted, or my head was whacked from lack of nutrition.

"Remind me not to give you so much champagne," he said, waving for a taxi. "You're going home." No objections there.

Too tipsy to even walk straight, Edward kept a firm arm around my waist to keep from falling over. I didn't feel bubbly or giggly like I did when I was normally drunk. I felt aware, but I wasn't aware five minutes ago. This wasn't a drunken state. This was something else.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said. "This is really embarrassing. I shouldn't have acted like I did. It was careless and dumb, and, shit, this evening should've gone better."

"Bella, it's okay," he said, and I could tell he really meant it. "We all get carried away once in a while. You've been under a lot of stress lately."

"I think I'm good to walk."

"You sure?"

_No. _"Yeah, let me just try something." I did not want to do this, but for future reference, I needed to. Edward followed behind as I went into the kitchen and pulled out a piece of bread. A complex carbohydrate that I could burn off. "I think, if I eat something, then I will feel better."

"Have you eaten anything all day?" He asked.

"An apple, but other than that no." At least I was honest.

"Bella," he sighed. "You can't do that. Have the past two weeks meant nothing to you? You need food."

"Look," I said, irritated, "can we not talk about the whole eating thing? It stresses me out. And today I just couldn't. Not with my nerves. And I guess it's a good thing with how much I drank. I'm gaining weight back, so could you just lay off?" I didn't mean to snap at him. He just couldn't leave it alone. I didn't even want to see the expression on his face. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry," I said covering my face with my hands. "I didn't mean that."

I felt his arms around me and knew he wasn't mad, but I still felt guilty. Guilty enough to even eat a meal.

"Do you want to eat something?" He asked gently.

_Did I want to eat? Hell no. Did I need to eat? Probably. If Edward was stressing over my weight, then that means I should probably eat, but I can't He deserves better than a fat cow mooching off of him and living in his apartment. Maybe if he just thinks I'm eating and thinks I'm gaining weight, he'll be happy. Then he'll see my body and realize that it's for the better. So to eat, or not to eat? That is the question. _

"What on earth are you mumbling about?" He asked, pulling back to get a look at my expression.

"Damn, okay, no more drunken stupors for me. Got it?" I pointed at him seriously. "Don't let me get drunk. Filter is gone."

"Do you want something to eat?" He asked again.

"Yes," I said firmly, more to myself than to him.

"Okay."

While he fixed something, I went to the bedroom and changed out of the heels and the dress. Before I put on the little silk slip, I made sure Edward was busy in the kitchen, then stepped onto the scale. The needle hadn't moved since the last time I stepped on it, so I put the scale away and put on the little slip, along with a cardigan and my slippers.

When I sat down at the table, Edward put a plate of left-over pasta in front of me and sat down with his phone, texting someone. I took a small bite; it felt like rubber in my mouth.

"Who are you talking to?" I asked, forcing myself to take another bite.

"Everyone just left the club, wanted to know how you were feeling." He snickered, "Emmett was traumatized. Apparently, he got a hold of more alcohol and Rosalie is pissed."

I giggled, but didn't say anything. The pasta felt like rubber, but tasted like sand. Edward made himself a cup of coffee and I tried to eat the pasta, but became more difficult with each bite. Edward didn't seem to notice.

"I'm done," I said, after downing half the plate. "I think I'm going to bed."

"Alright. Leave the plate," he said when I went to reach for it, "I'll get it. I need to make a few calls, but I'll join you in a few minutes." Weird.

"Alright." I kissed him on the cheek and went to bed.

I felt so uncomfortable. Normally, the soft bed would shape to my form, but now, I just sat on top of it, feeling the pressure on my hips and shoulder blades. I flipped onto my stomach and put a pillow underneath my hips, creating a little more comfort.

Edward came in a little while later. For a really long time, he petted my hair and rubbed my back, not knowing that I was awake.

"I really hope Carlisle is wrong," he whispered.

I knew I was in too deep, but it was too late. Due to fatigue, I couldn't say what I wanted, but I needed so badly to say I'm sorry.


	16. Chapter 15

"Open it," he said, giving me the light blue square box, wrapped in white ribbon.

"But it's not Christmas yet!" I argued with a laugh.

He smiled, "But I want to see your reaction when you open it," he said, almost whining. "Besides, if you don't open now, then it won't be till new years that I get to see you open it. So please, just open it."

I rolled my eyes. "You're such a whiney baby," I muttered, but took the box. The ribbon came undone smoothly and I slowly opened the box, trying to annoy Edward. He sighed dramatically and a small giggle bubbled to my lips. When I lifted the lid off the box, I stared at it with my mouth open. I ran my fingertips along the string of pearls, and touched the little stained-glass flower, rimmed with diamonds. "Edward," I was at a loss for words.

"Those pearls came all the way from the South Sea to be worn by you," he said.

_You're not worth it. He deserves better than a liar. _"Edward, this is way too much," I said, struggling to find my voice.

"I think it's the perfect amount," he argued lightly, taking the necklace out of the box. "And if you don't put it on right now I will do it for you."

"Be my guest," I chuckled. He got up from his spot on the couch and I moved my hair to the side. I felt him clasp it behind my neck, then run his fingers along my spine, that stuck out slightly from my neck. He didn't say anything, but he stopped and walked back around to look at me. Satisfied, he smiled at me.

"Beautiful, just as I thought." He kissed my lips. "Merry Christmas."

"Mhm," I mumbled against his already busy lips. "I am never going to make it to my flight if you don't stop," I said, pulling away a bit.

"What if I don't want you to get to your flight?" He said huskily.

"Too bad." I said, jumping up from the couch. I ran back to our bedroom and found his box on my side of the closet where he would never look. I came skipping back out and he looked surprised. "Now that you forced your present upon me, I'm forcing my present upon you." I put the box in his lap. "Open it," I demanded, mimicking his voice.

"Very mature," he said, but he smiled. When he unwrapped it and opened the lid, I wrung my hands together with anxiety. It wasn't a Rolex watch, it wasn't the keys to a Ferrari, it wasn't anything outrageous, just something sentimental I thought he could use and appreciate.

He ran his hand over the shiny cover of the book and opened it to the first page which was a piece he played for me a long time ago. "This is my composition," he said glancing up at me with excited eyes.

"Yeah, I figured your compositions deserved to be in print rather than on crappy composition paper and pencil." He kept turning the pages until he saw the blank composition paper.

"This is perfect, Bella," he said softly, taking my hand. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I kicked my leg over and straddled his lap. "Okay, when I'm gone," I started, "make sure Emmett doesn't get too drunk," Edward snickered, but I continued, "don't let Alice get me anything for Christmas. I've got everything I need, I assure you." I patted his cheek. "And if you don't call me at least once a day, I will be very upset."

He rubbed my arms. "I'll call you in the evening if you call me in the morning."

"Deal," I breathed. Leaving him would be very difficult, but I would brave it through, just like I would brave through seeing my dad for the first time in years.

"I'm going to miss you," he said.

"I'm going to miss you, too," I replied. _More than you can imagine. _I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him softly. His lips felt so warm and soft, I don't know how I'd last two weeks without him.

"We better get going," he sighed, pulling back. He looked into my eyes, tucked a curl behind my ear.

I leaned my forehead against is. "I love you," I whispered. "God, what did I do to deserve you?" I wondered out loud.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, and I pulled back, shocked. "You just stole my line!"

"Did not, now let's go."

He took my suitcases, put them into the taxi, and climbed in with me. "JFK, American terminal C."

I curled up under his arm and wrapped my arms around his chest. He periodically leaned down to kiss my head, and each time he did, I felt like crying. I played with the pearls around my neck, occasionally lifting the little flower into the light, watching as it went through the stained-glass and making a rainbow of colors. If he loved me as much as I think he does, I did not deserve to be alive at the moment.

When we got to the airport, he checked in my baggage for me. After I checked in, he stood with me at security. I didn't want to get in line yet, but we were already running late. I just held him, even though I knew it would hurt to let go.

"I'm really, _really_, going to miss you," I said tearfully.

"Hey," he cooed, "I'll see you again in a couple of weeks. Don't cry." He chuckled, but it didn't sound happy. "I'll miss you, too." I refused to let go. "You should really get going." He said ruefully.

Without warning, I grabbed his face with my hands and kissed him. He held me a little tighter, and I felt safe, comfortable. "I love you," I said, pulling back.

"I love you, too. Now go get in line before you miss your flight." He pushed me towards security. Every step I took forward, I glanced back. After I passed security, he waved one last time and blew me a kiss. I pretended to catch it.

I walked through all the gates until I found mine. I sat down and started fidgeting with my necklace. My fears were solely that Charlie would not understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and that he could never support my decisions.

On the plane, I tried getting sleep, tried organizing my thoughts, preparing my first sit down talk with Charlie. I couldn't keep concentrated. There were two main things on my mind: Edward, and the weight I needed to lose. Edward was always on my mind; his smile, his emerald green eyes, his hands when they held mine, his lips when he kissed me, his arms when he hugged me, how strong and supportive they were when I needed him most.

Weight was a whole other issue. Alice's jeans were small and tight. Yes, I could get them on, but they didn't fit nicely. I felt like sausage meat stuffed into synthetic casing. When I can fit into Alice's jeans, all will be good. If I can maintain that weight, then everything will be perfect…whatever weight that is.

Every time the stewardess came down the aisle and asked me if I wanted food or drink, I just asked for a glass of water. Halfway through the flight, they offered chocolate chip cookies. I nearly vomited in my seat. I made my refusal very clear when she came down the aisle a second time and asked. That was the last time she asked.

The first thing I did when the plane landed was turn on my phone and text Edward.

_Just landed. _

He texted back quickly: _Everything alright on the western front?_

_Don't know. I have to ask the chief officer. _That should make him laugh.

When I got off the plane, I followed the crowd to see where the baggage claim was. I hadn't been in the small airport since I was sixteen. The carousel turned on and all the passengers stood around it, waiting for their bags to spit out from down under. To no surprise, my bag came out last. Just my luck. After I hauled the thing over the edge, I heard someone call my name.

"Bella!"

I turned around and caught sight of a man in uniform. His face looked weather worn, his cheeks flushed from the cold outside, what used to be my dark brown hair now had a few grays poking out, smile lines surrounded his mouth, and his smile still reminded me of the man my mother fell in love with. His slight pot-belly hung a little over his trouser waist-band. I wanted to frown at the sight, but I didn't want it to look like I was frowning at him. So instead, I smiled.

"Hey, dad!" He walked quickly up to me and pulled me into an awkward embrace, but that was Charlie for you. He didn't know how to quite express himself. When I pulled back, I asked, "How have you been?" I asked cheerily.

"Good, good," he looked at me, "there's just nothing to you is there? You look smaller than the last time I saw you." He looked up for an explanation.

"Uh," I said awkwardly, "thank you?" I shrugged, not really knowing how to respond to a comment like that.

He took my suitcase for me. "Well, anyways, it's good to have you back, kid." He patted me on the back and started walking towards the exit. I followed.

When we walked up to his vehicle, I almost started laughing. Charlie is definitely not one for change. His cop car sat in the space, no cars near the car for another ten or fifteen spaces. He lugged my suitcase into the back of his car with serious effort, which made me chuckle, but he just huffed and slammed the tail-gate shut.

When I got into the car, I quickly texted Edward: _You'll never guess where I'm sitting right now. _

I waited nervously for five minutes. _Hopefully not on a bench waiting for your father to show up. _

I chuckled and Charlie glanced at me, away from the road.

"Who are you talking to on that thing?" He asked.

"This 'thing,' as you call it, is a cell phone. And I'm talking to Edward." I texted back: _No, but not a bad guess. I'm sitting in the back of a police cruiser. _

I quickly received a text after that one. _Couldn't stay out of trouble for…fifteen minutes? _

"Is he a friend of yours?" Charlie asked.

I chuckled. "Something like that. I call him my boyfriend, but sometimes that doesn't really say it all." I let him ponder that one while he kept his eyes on the road.

_Sorry,_ I texted, _mind sending me bail money for assaulting a cop? _

"You aren't engaged, are you?" He asked with wide eyes, shooting to my left hand.

"No! No, no, we're not engaged. We are just really close. He takes good care of me. I think you'd really like him. He plays the piano with Juilliard's music program. Did you know he's going on a European tour with Yo-Yo Ma after graduation?" If a cop didn't like Edward, he'd have a tough time trying to get on his good side.

"Who's Yo-Yo Ma?" He asked with a confused expression.

Before I could answer incredulously, I got a text from Edward that read: _What did you do? Smother him with kisses?_

Smart ass. _No, I tried suffocating him with an Emmett hug. _

"Yo-Yo Ma is one of the world's most renowned cellists. He is also the Culture Connect Ambassador, anointed by the U.S president in 2002. He does a lot of charity work in places like Lithuania, Korea, China, Lebanon, and was announced U.N messenger of peace in 2007. He even worked with the Iraqi National Symphony Orchestra. He came up to Edward last year and asked if he would join him."

"Sounds like one hell of a guy," Charlie said, half enthused.

"Which one? Edward or Yo-Yo Ma?"

"Both."

"Good answer."

Edward finally texted back. _I miss your sense of humor already._

We finally drove into a small town off the highway. The barren wood sign read, "Welcome to Forks Washington." Yeah, nothing says welcome like pouring rain, freezing temperatures, and huge evergreen trees to block the view of the sun. After getting off the highway, we turned onto a couple of familiar neighborhood streets until we pulled into the driveway of a small, New England style cookie-cutter home, where I spent my baby years…or, year.

Literally, nothing had changed since the last time I came to visit Charlie…and that was spring break of senior year. When we walked through the doors, the same old eighties couch sat in the family room, the same wooden table with mismatched chairs rested in the kitchen with the cabinets Renee painted yellow to bring more sunshine into the house after I was born.

When Charlie huffed in with my suitcase, I said, "I'll bring it upstairs dad, don't worry about it." He pretended not to hear me and I rolled my eyes. "Dad, seriously," I easily lifted it by the side handle, "I've got it." He huffed again and mumbled something about being a show off. I shuffled upstairs and found my old bedroom, which had changed very little.

The same white lace-curtains hung in front of the window, the rocking chair from my baby years still swayed in the corner, my desk still stood against the first wall with little notes and pictures attached to the backboard; most of them saying in artistic handwriting and colorful markers, "I Love Dance," "Dance is Life," "Life would be a mistake without dance," and then followed by several pictures of dance shoes and ballerinas. I smiled at them, reminded of my first recitals, the happiest moments of my life before Juilliard.

"Hey Bella?" Charlie called, "I've got to get back to the station, but I should be back for dinner. Do you think you could entertain yourself for a little bit?" he asked.

"Sure. I'll fix you up some dinner while you're gone."

"Okay. See you."

"Bye."

I heard the front door shut and sighed. Charlie was a full time dedicated cop. Always on duty. Though I didn't know there was enough crime in Forks to keep him busy. This town is less exciting than a sack of doorknobs. Curious, I walked over to my old closet. Instead of clothes, boxes now occupied the space. I took one off the top shelf and set it on the bed. When I opened it, I smiled.

My photo albums. To keep Charlie updated on my life when I was younger, I made him photo albums of my year. Most of the pictures were taken at dance practice or recitals, with the exception of a few school pictures. I opened the first one.

Sixth grade dance recital. I posed en pointe with my first pair of pointe shoes. When my instructor promoted me, I was so happy. I treated those shoes like they were made of gold. The big smile on my face expressed all the happiness I felt on that day. My head was tilted every so slightly, my hands and fingers curved perfectly above my head. My arms were skinny and lanky, my tutu was the pinkest of pinks.

My phone rang, "Love, save the empty," and I dove for my purse, pulling out my cell phone. "Hello?"

"I didn't get a text back from you, I thought they took your phone away during processing." I snickered.

"Smart-ass," I mumbled with a smile. "I just got a little distracted."

"Is it easy to get distracted in Forks?" he asked.

"No, but it's pretty easy to zone out into the pouring rain. Actually, I found all my old photo albums." I flipped the page and found a photo of me at practice, hugging my pointe shoes. "Strange thing is, I remember most of these moments."

"I bet you were as cute as a button," he said like a doting mother.

He knew how to make me laugh even in my most sentimental moods. "You should see me in this pink tutu. I can't believe I wore that thing with so much pride. I think I even kept it," I giggled, "Though it might be back at the house in Arizona."

"We could always go back and get it," he joked.

And I knew he was joking, but I couldn't take it as one. "You couldn't pay me to go back there," I said darkly. "If I ever see my mother again, I can guarantee you I will be committed within the next twenty-four hours."

"I have no doubt, I was only joking."

"I know you were," I sighed. "I think I'm going to take these back," I said, flipping through a few more pages. "They sure do bring back happy memories."

"Well, I could always put our pictures into an album and continue the tradition," he offered.

"Don't you think that should be my responsibility? I started the whole thing," I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

"Well, we could both do it since I'm on board now."

"When I get back, okay? We'll spend New Years Eve doing it. How does that sound?"

"Sounds like a plan Stan."

"Okay," I laughed, "But I should get going. I need to make dinner for Charlie." I put the album back into the box.

"Okay. I love you," he said.

My heart fluttered. "I love you, too."

"Don't forget your thyroid medication," he reminded me. "I wouldn't want to have to hear from you in a hospital."

"Yup, got it. Okay, bye!" I hung up at the reminder.

Digging through the cabinets, I found some noodles, olive oil, and a few seasonings. Lazy, I just boiled the noodles in water, used the olive oil for sauce, then added flavor with basil and parmasan cheese. I put out a bowl for Charlie and left the rest in the pot. I set a note next to his plate: _Sorry I couldn't stay up, but the time difference got the better of me. We'll talk tomorrow! Love, Bella. _

When I went upstairs to take a shower, I dug around, frantically searching for a scale, finding none. More than slightly traumatized, I took a quick shower and laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. This was going to be a long two weeks.


	17. Chapter 16

"So after graduation, I'm dancing with the New York Ballet. It's one of the best. They pay for housing and medical insurance, so I won't have to worry about any of that." I opted to leave out the part where I was already living with Edward.

Charlie didn't look up from his dinner. "You don't think Seattle is the way to go?" He asked.

"No," I said with a sad smile. "My life is in New York now. I can't just leave it. And after I spend a few years with the NYB, I think I'll go back and teach at Juilliard if they'll have me." It was an idea that had been bouncing around in my head for quite some time now, and it felt like a good idea.

Before he could try and shut me down, the telephone rang. He, all too eagerly, got up from his seat to answer it. He chatted animatedly with someone for a few minutes before hanging up. "Who was that?" I asked.

"The Clearwaters, just calling to see how Christmas Eve was going." A slight blush bloomed on his face.

"Seems you are quite popular nowadays," I noted with a smile. It's good to see him have so many friends to check in and take care of him. A few years ago I thought he'd induce a heart-attack with all that fish fry.

"Yeah, the people down on the Reservation are good people. The Blacks have a kid that went to Juilliard. Apparently, he's some genius in art."

"He is," I chuckled at his very feminine paintings, "He was my best friend at school for a really long time."

"He's not anymore?" He asked.

I shrugged. "We're still good friends, but after I moved out of the dorms, we just didn't have time to hang out much. I went to the art exhibit the other day. He's really impressive." He continued to eat his lasagna (an Italian Christmas) while I just continued to poke at mine. Not having a scale made me nervous.

He glanced at my neck. "That's a really nice necklace," he commented. "Where did you get it?"

I smiled, taking the flower between my fingers and watching it change colors. "Edward gave it to me for Christmas, courtesy of Tiffany Jewelers." I never took them off except in the shower. If I lost them, I would die.

"That's a pretty big Christmas gift for a girlfriend," before I could show any expression of hurt, "So tell me more about Edward," he said. I could tell he thought I was a gold-digger. Great, my own father thinks I'm a whore.

I could talk about Edward forever. "Edward is, or _was_, a lot like me. Before we met, we pretty much kept to ourselves, staying close to our respective groups. He came to pick up his sister Alice from dance one night and found me dancing in one of the classrooms. Alice is in a few of my classes and in my showcase."

"I'm sure it was spectacular. I read up on it on the website. Seems you're a pretty valued dancer at that school." I couldn't tell if he was pleased or not.

"I like to think so, but I don't like sounding narcissistic or anything. Anyway, Edward invited me out to join him for dinner a couple times when Alice was out with her fiance. She invited me to stay in the Hamptons with them on the weekends. That's how Edward and I really got to know each other. They have an amazing family. Their father, Carlisle, is a doctor at Lenox Hospital in Manhattan, and their mother, Esme, is an interior designer. They are a very tight-knit family. Lot's of family values there."

"That must be comforting," he huffed. I ignored the pang in my chest and continued on a different subject.

"His two siblings, Alice and Emmett, are engaged. Both are getting married after graduation. Emmett is older than Alice and Edward by four years."

"They twins or something? Alice and Edward?" He asked.

Shaking my head, I said, "No. They were both adopted at a very young age. They--" the phone rang again. He excused himself once more and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Oh, wow, I haven't heard from you in a while. Yeah, she's here." My ears perked up. He was talking about me. "That would be great! Sure, bring him along, there's room. Okay, alright. It'll be good to see you, too." He smiled a real smile, instead of the forced ones I usually got from him. "Alright, see you then, bye."

My curiosity felt like a filled cup, about to spill over. "Who were you talking with about me?" I asked carefully. Nothing could've braced me for his answer.

"Renee, your mother. She found out that you came out here for Christmas and wants to see you. Isn't that great?" He said with a smile. "We haven't had a Christmas together in a long time." He avidly finished his food while my jaw fell to my full plate.

"She's coming here?" I demanded. "Why on Earth would you let her stay here?" I could feel panic welling in my chest and tears in my eyes. I did not know disaster could strike so fast. Renee was like a snake in many ways: she moved silently, no one knows she's behind them until she bites. Hisses are heard now and again, but they can be easily mistaken for a breeze. When she bit someone, the poison slowly spread until the victim dies. That's the nature of Renee.

He looked confused. "She's your mother. She raised you. Why wouldn't you want to see her? Phil is coming with her." He seemed so nonchalant. I wanted to take him by the shoulder and shake him into seeing reason.

"She didn't raise me!" I cried. "I raised myself! She was too busy getting into her hobbies and boyfriends to pay attention to me. You were more of a parent to me than she was! Have you any idea what's she's done to me since I've left for college? Do you really have any idea?" I demanded. "I can't believe this," I whispered.

My father frowned. "I'm sure you're just being over-dramatic. She loved you very much and was only hurt by you leaving and not wanting to come back to see her."

"That's because there wasn't a mother to come back to!" I pushed back my plate and chair. "You know, I thought I was going to be able to have a nice quiet Christmas with you and patch up what little relationship we had. At least you make the effort to try and fix things. Renee just makes it worse. There's nothing to mend with her."

He rolled his eyes. "I think the drama of New York has gotten into your head. She loves you very much, which is why she's coming. So would you sit down, eat something, and stop speaking about your mother that way?" He sounded as if he was chastising a rebellious child who picked a fight.

"I'm not fucking four years old anymore, Charlie!" I exclaimed. "Don't tell me what I'm thinking or what's wrong with me. Renee has that last part covered pretty damn well. And I will not sit down and take this shit. I will not stay here and let Renee tear me to pieces with her criticism and judgment. It's either me or Renee, Charlie. Pick one. If you want me to stay, call her back right now and tell her not to come. If not, I'm out of here." My ultimatum didn't seem to phase him.

"You know I can't chose between you. I--" I interrupted him with cynical laughter.

"Right. Because you still love Renee and I'm your daughter. I totally get it now. You have never gotten over Renee because all you can picture her as is the perfect little housewife and mom. Boy do I have a newsflash for you, Charlie, because she isn't the same person she was before she left you. When I got old enough to take care of myself, about ten or so, she started focusing more on herself rather than raising me. She went looking for younger and more exciting men to spend the rest of her life with. After that, she just wanted me out of her hair. I spent more time at dance and school than I did at home because I didn't want to see who she'd be necking on the family room couch. If you still can't accept that, tell me now." I gazed at him pleadingly with tears running down my face.

He frowned and shook his head. Before he could say a word, I said, "Get over her, Charlie. She will never love you; your feelings will never be reciprocated. She isn't worth your time. The only reason she and Phil get along are because they are kindred spirits in not wanting a child. Have fun with Renee." I shot up the stairs.

"Bella!" He called angrily after me, but I wasn't under his control anymore. One of the many glories of turning eighteen. That and voting.

I locked my bedroom door behind me and started throwing my clothes into my suitcase. I pulled out my phone and started searching for flights back to New York. With tear-filled eyes, I looked into my empty closet. Good thing I mailed all those albums earlier this afternoon. The flight exchange was at eleven-thirty and would cost me seventy-five dollars, but I wouldn't have to pay for baggage. I took the deal and started looking for a car-service. While I did that on my iPhone (thank you Edward), I quickly marched into the bathroom and picked up my toiletry bag. The car service would come to pick me up in half an hour. So I tried calling Edward. It must've been late.

I got his voicemail. "Hey, it's me," I said tearfully, "I guess I'm coming home for Christmas. My flight gets in at four in the morning, so don't come to pick me up. Well, it's nine here, so it's probably around midnight for you guys. Sorry for calling so late. Well, Merry Christmas." I hung up.

I decided not to bother the other Cullens with my family drama, so I just sat in my room until I saw the town-car pull up. I quickly picked up my suitcase and tote bag carry-on. I saw Charlie still sitting in the kitchen at the table when I came downstairs.

"I think you're making a mistake," he said, trying not to sound upset.

"You'll see, Charlie," I said, "And once you do, you will have already lost me. Goodbye." I ran through the pouring rain and the driver pulled out an umbrella for me. "Thank you," I said. He took care of my bag for me and I got into the back-seat. I kept hoping for a message from Edward, but I knew it was late, so I wasn't surprised.

After checking in my bag and getting through security, I didn't have to wait for my flight very long. The airport was crowded with people trying to get home Christmas, and I felt better knowing I wasn't the only one. Business men were trying to negotiate with flight checkers for a ticket on any flight going back to wherever, soldiers returning from war embracing their families. I wanted so badly to see mine.

On the plane, I talked with no one. I kept to myself and tried to sleep, but the only thing I could do was stare out the window into the pitch-black night, the occasional tear escaping. About halfway through the flight, I fell asleep, but I didn't dream. I woke up cold and had to ask one of the flight attendants for a blanket. I curled up in my seat with a blanket around me. Never before had I felt so vulnerable. I was on a plane, alone, on Christmas. Well, it was Christmas in New York, it was around midnight back in Washington.

A dim light spread over the city when I landed at JFK Airport from the very early morning sun. When I got off the plane, I felt so tired, despite the sleep. I felt worn out, about ready to collapse. In a daze, I moved through the airport to the baggage claim. While people chatted animatedly about Christmas in the taxi line, I stared out into space, not really seeing anything. After I got into the taxi, I texted Edward just in case he didn't check.

After no answer and twenty minutes in a cab, I got out on Fifth Avenue and headed inside to the apartment. Even the doorman wasn't there. The lobby was empty and I couldn't hear any partiers. When I walked into the apartment, all the lights were off, but the bay windows let in the light I needed to see. I left my suitcase in the foyer and went straight to the bedroom.

I don't know why I expected to find Edward here. He's spending Christmas in the Hamptons with his family, where he should be. Feeling more alone than ever, I slipped into Edward's side of the bed and curled up with his pillow. I let myself cry. My first Christmas alone, and it sucks.

Not wanting to sleep in jeans, I got up and slipped into a warm pair of button-up flannel pajamas. When I curled up with Edward's pillow, I closed my eyes and pretended it was him, hoping it would make sleep come a little easier. It certainly helped.

When I woke up, I woke up alone. Just me and the pillow. With a sigh, I slowly got out of bed. I felt cold, so I went into the kitchen and put the teapot on the stove for tea. When I felt around my neck, as became a habit, I realized I never took off his necklace.

Bored, I dug through all the photos that we developed and spread them out on the coffee table in the family room. On the floor I looked at every one of them, remembering the moment they were taken. Most of the early photos were taken in the Hamptons. As time went on through pictures, more of them were taken in the city. To my surprise, I saw that Edward developed photos from my recent performances. In them, I looked so happy. I looked pretty. My legs were so lean and long, you could see the muscle definition. I'd put these in a dance album. I continued looking through our pictures taken together, and in every single one I had a real smile on my face.

When I heard the door open, I leaped up, ready to defend myself if I needed to, but relaxed when I saw it was a wind-blown Edward.

He came walking towards me quickly, "Bella, I'm so sorry," he apologized, "I got your message this morning and then my phone died and the train got delayed in Jamaica--"

I wrapped my arms around him gently and rested my head against his chest. He stopped talking and just held me close, swaying back and forth.

"Are you okay?" He whispered, kissing the top of my head.

"I am now," I told him.

For a long time he just held me, not saying a word.

"Do you want to stay here or would you mind spending Christmas with the Cullens in East Hampton?"

"If you give me fifteen minutes I'll be ready. I didn't bother unpacking the suitcase."

"I noticed when I tripped over it in the foyer," he chuckled.

"Sorry," his laugh lifted my spirits and I no longer felt lonely or vulnerable. As long as Edward was here, I knew everything would turn out okay.

I changed into jeans, a cream-colored turtleneck, and my UGG's. When I came back out into the foyer, Edward put a knit-hat on my head and wrapped a thick cashmere scarf around my neck. "Your finger-nails are blue," he explained.

I quickly glanced down at my hands. I'd completely forgotten I'd gotten rid of the chipping polish. "Well in that case I better go find some mittens." Edward pulled a black pair out of his back pocket. "Thank you Alfred," I chuckled and slipped on the mittens. He rolled his eyes and wrapped a hand around my waist, taking the handle of my suitcase.

In the taxi, he asked, "So do you want to talk about what happened?" He asked.

I glanced out the window. "On the train. There's more time." For a moment I just stared out the window. "Oh, and Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Merry Christmas."

He smiled and cupped my chin for a tender kiss. "Merry Christmas, indeed."

Edward bought our tickets at the station and held onto my suitcase for me. When we boarded the train, no one was really on it, so we took our seats and relaxed. It would be a long ride back.

After the train finally pulled out from beneath the city, Edward asked, "Do you want to talk about it now?"

"Can I give you the abridged version?" I asked. "The real version is kind of…vulgar." He chuckled.

"Sure."

"Okay, well, I got there and everything was great. My dad and I got caught up. He seemed happy to have me there, but he kept asking me about New York, the more I talked about it, the more upset he got. And whenever I told him my plans, he sounded really displeased. So yesterday at dinner, I started talking about how great and close your family was and that's when he got really moody. He just sounded nasty, making sarcastic comments about how it must be nice to be creating a new life with such a great family.

"But things didn't get really bad until Renee called," I said, beginning to get upset. "He invited her to stay for Christmas, and told her I was there. The only reason she would ever call Charlie is if I was with him, so I got really mad. I told him I didn't want her around and he thought I'd blown a circuit. He said New York was getting into my head and that my mother would never act how she did. So I gave him an ultimatum; tell her no, and I'd stay. Tell her yes, and I'll be gone by midnight. He chose her, and I left."

I played with my pearls, trying to focus on how pretty they were instead of the meaning behind my words.

"Bella," Edward said, taking my hand from my necklace. His eyes shone with an underlying emotion. "No matter what Charlie and Renee do or say, know that there is a whole family that loves you, and will always be there when you need them. You don't have to wake up alone on Christmas, you don't have to be constantly let down. I love you, Esme and Carlisle love you, Emmett and Alice love you, even Rosalie is beginning to grow on you." I giggled, "So don't ever think for a second that you are alone. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, dad, I understand." He squeezed me tightly. "Do you mind if I sleep? I didn't get much of it." My eyes already began to close.

"Of course not." I didn't hear him, I was already passed out under his arm. It was the best sleep I'd gotten in over forty-eight hours.

When we got off the train, Esme and Carlisle were waiting for us in front of their Mercedes. The moment Esme saw me step off the train, she came and wrapped her skinny arms around my shoulders. "We're so happy you came back," she said thickly.

"Yeah," I chuckled, "me, too."

Carlisle came next. He did the same as Esme. When he pulled back, he asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better," I said honestly.

"And is the medication still working?" He asked. I tried not to stiffen and kept a neutral expression on my face.

"I don't know," I lied. "I haven't really taken proper care of myself."

"Which is why," Edward interrupted, "We should get you back and fed."

Esme sat with me in the back, saying I would love the gifts she and Carlisle bought for me, swearing on her life that she didn't pay much for them. Edward and Carlisle chatted amongst themselves quietly.

In the driveway awaited four very anxious and excited Cullens. And a Whitmore. I stepped out of the car and Alice attacked me.

"I'm so happy you're back!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"Drunk buddy!" Emmett came up and gave me a bear hug, lifting me off the ground and spinning me in circles.

Jasper and Rosalie just said, "It's good to have you back." The Cullens just expressed their emotions a little more openly. Once inside, everyone dragged me into the large family room where a huge tree took up one of the corners. All the presents remained unopened.

"You guys didn't have to wait for me," I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

"Of course we did," Alice scoffed. "We always wait for the entire family to get here before opening any presents."

I couldn't take it anymore. All this kindness and acceptance was so different from my Christmases with Rennee, Charlie, or Jake. This felt like I was family. I pulled Alice into my arms and started crying, I could tell she was surprised but I didn't care.

"Thank you," I said through my tears. "Thank you so much."

"Aw, Bella!" she cooed, "What are you thanking me for?"

"For being my family," I felt a little bad for crying on her nice little cashmere sweater, but when people treat you like family for the first time in your life, it's overwhelming. Multiple pairs of arms wrapped around me and Alice, all saying kind and comforting words. If this is what family was like, I wanted one.

"Okay, now that I've distracted you long enough, you can open presents now," I laughed. Everyone dispersed around the tree and started grabbing at boxes. Edward wrapped his arms around from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"I love you," he whispered.

I craned my neck around to look and give him a peck on the lips. "I love you, too."

Edward sat on the couch and I laid my head in his lap, content to just have him run his hand through my hair. Occasionally Alice would come over and hand me a gift, I'd open it, and show the proper amount of excitement, but I was too tired and had no energy to move. In fact, while everyone began exploring their gifts, I fell asleep in Edward's lap.

I smelled food and felt sick. The stench woke me up and I found myself in Edward's bedroom. My hands were shaking, like _really _shaking. I tried lying on my hands to make them stop, but they wouldn't. My entire body shook with tremors. The time on the alarm clock said it was late afternoon, but I still wanted to go back to sleep.

The door to the bedroom opened and I immediately shut my eyes and hid my hands under the pillow. I didn't have to look to know it was Edward. Who else would come in? He sat down on the bed next to me and felt my head, brushed back my hair.

"Edward?" A voice from the doorway, Carlisle's I guessed, called Edward.

He got up from the bed and walked to the doorway. I heard the door close and the hinges squeak. As silently as possible, I slipped out from under the covers and tip-toed over to the closed door. I could barely hear their careful whispers.

"She is so small," I heard Edward say.

"Yes she is, but she's also been under a lot of stress lately. She's been responsible for two performances, one of which she put together, then she had to put up with a disastrous family encounter. Give her time to readjust, Edward. Once all of this is behind her, it will be easier." Oh, great. Carlisle's in on it, too. Just what I need. I'm trying to do Edward a favor and he doesn't even see it.

"I just can't watch her waste away like that," he said. "Every day it's like she get's smaller and smaller. There's just no logical explanation for it."

Carlisle sighed. "Edward, she has been through a lot lately. She is officially disconnected from her family, I'm sure her parents tore her down quite a bit, especially her mother. All we can do is give her support and love."

If this wasn't a tear-inducing conversation then I don't know what is. I crept back into the bed and closed my eyes. That awful sensation I'd begun growing used to hit me again, so I let myself drift, hoping the intense shaking would stop.


	18. Chapter 17

Today was not one of my better days. I couldn't shake the dizzies, my hands trembled, and Edward and I were in the apartment, alone. We just vegged out on the couch watching USA network reruns. I covered myself with a blanket and pretended that everything was alright, even though I knew nothing would be alright at the end of the day.

New Years was probably one of my best days since the beginning of this weight-loss regime. We invited the Cullens to a party on the rooftop of our apartment building and enjoyed an amazing evening. Emmett got drunk, and I only got a little tipsy. Edward and I shared our kiss at midnight, followed by making everyone go home and enjoying a night together in bed.

The reason I had so much energy and strength was because I ate. A lot. Morning: toast, eggs, orange juice. Afternoon: sub sandwich. Evening: alfredo pasta dish. I didn't finish a single one of the dishes, but I still ate a lot. I didn't even get the chance to purge. When I checked the scale the next morning, I'd gained two pounds and weighed in at 92 pounds.

So I pretended to be sick with the flu for the next week, purging anything that went into my mouth. Edward wasn't suspicious, so everything worked out okay. I lost the two pounds and then some.

This was post crash. Me, with no energy, stuck on the couch, recuperating the entire time before school started up again. Edward tried feeding me, but I refused, saying it'll just end up coming back out. Now he was suspicious. Every time I declined food, he'd look at me speculatively for a while, but I never met his eyes, pretending to be very occupied with something else. He knew I was getting smaller, but he didn't know what to do.

For the fourth time, he asked, "Do you want something to eat?"

The question was innocent enough, but I snapped. "No Edward," I said, extremely annoyed. "I don't want any God damn food. Would you stop asking?"

"Bella, you haven't had a real meal in over a week. You need to eat something to get your strength back. How in hell are you supposed to dance with absolutely no energy in your system?" He sounded frustrated, which didn't help my mood at all.

"What are you implying?" I demanded.

"That you shouldn't go back to school until you get better," he said, softening his voice a bit.

A flame sparked. "What do you mean by 'get better'?"

He ran a hand through his hair and paced back and forth. "I mean that you should try and gain some weight back and eat something. Let your body heal."

"I _am _eating and I _am _gaining weight," I lied with emphasis.

He shook his head, not believing a single word. "You aren't eating, and you've been losing weight like crazy. From what I've felt from carrying you to bed, I'd say you've lost five pounds in the last week."

Panic really set in. He is figuring it out. He will hate me, leave me, and I'll be back where I started: with nothing.

"From what I've heard I'd say you've lost your mind," I shot back. Saying mean things would not make everything better, but I needed an excuse to get the hell out of this nightmarish situation. I quickly put on my coat and boots while grabbing my purse.

"Where are you going?" He asked, worried.

"I'm going to see Jake. Maybe _he_ won't scrutinize my body like you do." Without a glance back, I walked out of the apartment and took the stairs down. Instead of taking a cab, I walked through Central Park, finding it relaxing. Little kids played in the snow and some went sliding down the big hill. My phone buzzed in my purse.

_I'm sorry. _

I felt bad for snapping at him, and I realized he wasn't the one that needed to apologize. Instead of taking his words for what they were, concern, I twisted them into something else, something much more hurtful that I knew Edward wouldn't say.

_Me too. Just give me some time to cool off. _

For warning, I texted Jake to make sure he was available, and he responded saying he was chilling in his dorm. When I got to the campus, it was mostly empty since most students were out enjoying the remainder of their winter vacation.

The dorm looked exactly the same from when I left it a few months ago, but it felt like a lot longer. I walked down to his dorm room and found it open.

"Hey," I knocked and entered. He turned around from his painting that looked like it was in the beginning stages.

"Bella!" he greeted excitedly. He shot up from his chair and wrapped his big arms around me. "It's great to see you again. I'm glad you decided to stop by. So what have you been up to lately?" He sat back down at his easel and went back to painting while I took a spot on his bed.

"Well, I tried going back to Forks for Christmas, but that didn't work out too well, so I came back here and spent Christmas with the Cullens. How was your Christmas by the way?" I didn't want to get into a habit of talking about me. As long as the focus was on someone else, it was okay.

"Me and a couple of friends from the art school got drunk and had a good time. Then for New Years we went to Montauk. At midnight we were on a 2,000 year old glacier. Pretty awesome."

"Sounds like it," I said.

He spun around to me quickly. "Oh, and some of those friends and I are going out tonight. Want to come? It'll be fuuuun," he drawled out tauntingly.

"Tempting offer," I sighed. "What were your plans?"

He shrugged. "Grab some sushi, hit a bar. Just a fun night out. And you're a riot when you're drunk." He chuckled. I picked up a paint brush from his bed and chucked it at him.

"I am not!" I argued playfully.

"Are too!" He said childishly, chucking it back. "So will your boyfriend mind letting me borrow you for the evening?" He asked.

"You make me sound like a hooker," I chuckled, "but yeah. Edward won't mind. We are kind of getting on each other's nerves from being around each other so much." Understatement of the year.

"Uh, oh, trouble in lover's paradise?" He joked. "Alright then. We're meeting everyone at Aki Sushi at eight, so that gives us time to catch up."

We talked for hours, about the most random things. His company was the best, because he didn't judge. Jake didn't pry into anything too private, he didn't mention anything about how I looked because he didn't care. You could be a druggie, a stripper, hooker, anorexic, schizophrenic, or the Naked Cowboy and he'd still be friends with you. He always said it's not up to him to judge, and I always had a lot of respect for him because of it.

We walked over to the Upper East Side and met his friends in front of the restaurant. They were all tall and very good looking.

"Bella," Jake started, "These are my friends Embry, Quil, Paul, Sam, Emily, and Rachel. Guys, this is Bella."

"Hey," I greeted.

We'd all pretty much gotten acquainted with each other by the time the sushi got to the table.

When we finished the sushi, we split the bill and went to a local bar. We all sat at the bar, taking shots like pros.

"Did you know that there are three levels of drunk?" I asked everyone.

"No way!" They all shouted.

"Yes," I drawled out drunkenly. "There's Done, Dundi, and Dunski. Right now, I think I can confirm that we are all Dunski." They all chuckled.

Then Jake pipped in, "Did you know that there's six levels of fat?" He asked, everyone chuckled but me. "There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy, DAMN!, and OH HELL NO!" All his friends were keeling over with laughter, but I just looked down at my thighs, trying, through the fuzz of alcohol, to figure out how much time had passed since I ate the sushi.

"You totally stole that from Gabriel Iglesias you unoriginal prick!" Rachel shouted at Jake. They were all laughing, not noticing my sudden silence.

"I'm going to use the ladies room, if you'll excuse me," I said cheerfully, stepping off the barstool and heading for the back.

In the bathroom, I locked the door to ensure privacy. This would be my first time purging without salt, and I didn't like the idea, but desperate times calls for desperate measures. The liquor in my system would help the food come up a lot easier, so when I stuck my finger straight down my throat, the reaction was explosive.

In two heaves, everything that was in my stomach from earlier piled up in the oval basin. For several moments, I contemplated trying again to ensure that it was all out before I went for it. Only a little bit came out, but at least it was out.

When I looked into the mirror, my eyes looked bloodshot. The pressure above my eyes felt uncomfortable. I put a cold paper towel over my eyes and let it sit for several minutes, hoping it would reduce the red-eye. It did, so I proceeded with my mini-mouth rinse that I kept in my purse and washed my hands.

When I walked back to the bar, no one noticed a thing.

When we walked home, we started singing in unison, "Oh, a sailors life is the life for me, how I love to sail o'er the bounding sea, and I never never ever do a thing about the weather 'cause the weather never ever does a thing about me!" How we got on the topic of Alice and Wonderland is beyond me.

"Oh my God!" Embry exclaimed, "We have to check out this bar!" It was the Upper East Side 212 Restaurant and bar. I'd been here with the Cullens several times.

"Oh, this is a great place! I go here with my boyfriend all the time!" Everyone charged in, including me.

"So tell us about your boyfriend," Emily said after we all ordered our fruity drinks and vodka tonics.

Asking me questions when I'm wasted is not a good thing. I will splurge everything in my head and reveal things that should not be known by the general public. After 15 shots and the current Long Island Ice Tea, things were going to spill.

"Well, his name is Edward," I said, sounding ridiculous in my drunken state, "and he is great. He takes great care of me and his family is a lot of fun. But," I said loudly with a pointed finger, "he is so damn overprotective!" All the guys and the girls started nodding in understanding.

"Like, to what lengths does he go to?" Rachel asked.

I thought about it. "He's just always worried about me. He takes me to the doctor, makes sure that I'm fed. Oh man is that annoying." Oh, dear, I have a nasty feeling there is going to be a really ugly unveiling of secrets.

"What? Making sure you eat?" Emily asked.

"Well, _yeah_," I said, "I'm trying to lose weight and he's always like, 'oh, you're too skinny,' and, 'oh you need to eat more.' I can't tell you how many times I've had to lie to him about food." Shit. Big o S-H-I-T.

"But you're so skinny!" Both girls said.

"Dude, Bella, you are a fucking stick," Embry piped in. "If I was the guy having sex with you, I'd think that there was nothing to have sex _with_. I mean, you are all muscle and damn, you look beautiful, but shit, you should eat. That way you could get some boobage," all the guys laughed and high-fived.

Emily slapped Sam upside the head. "Is my boobs the only thing you like about me?" Emily demanded.

"Aw, hell no! You are beautiful, intellectual, and an amazing artist!" Even in my drunken stupor, I could see how much they loved each other. Emily softened up and gave Sam a hardy kiss on the lips.

"And what do you mean when you say, 'lie about food'?" Jake asked, he leaned back in his seat and looked interested.

Here it comes. "Well, whenever I do eat food, I have to get rid of it, so basically, I just puke it."

"No shit!" Rachel said.

"No. Shit." I said, finishing off my drink with a swig.

"So, are you like, bulimic? A binger, or whatever people are calling it?"

"Well, I'm not a binger," I said, thinking about it, "It's more like I don't like food in my body. Even if I just have a little bit of food I freak out. I never consume large amounts of food. That's a big no-no."

"Does Edward know?" Rachel ask.

My eyes widened. "Are you kidding? He'd flip shit if he knew! All he knows is that I have a, quote--thyroid problem--," I said with the bunny quotes, "And that I've been severely stressed over my ass-wipes of parents and school. Then I was 'sick' this past week. He knows I'm losing weight, but he just doesn't know what to do about it." I called for another LIT.

"How long have you been doing this?" Rachel asked. I loved Jake and his friends. The art crowd was amazing.

"Since November…ish."

"No shit!" She repeated "How have you kept up with your strength for dance'n such? Don't you ever just fall over?"

"Several times." If anyone remembers this, I'm in deep shit. Deep _deep _shit.

"I'm impressed. You have a drive like no other and I now hold a higher respect for you. Can we get another round, please?" She shouted to the bartender He brought everyone a round and we all took a shot. "To Bella and her inspirational determination!"

"To Bella and her inspirational determination!" They all repeated.

After we downed the shots, I said, "Guys, I'd really appreciate if you didn't tell anyone. I don't want this broadcasted to the entire world."

Emily spoke for the whole group, "Your secret is safe with us, Bella. It's your body, do what you want with it. Just make sure you stick around to have drinks with us once in a while. Deal?"

I chuckled and smiled. "Deal."

That turned out to be the last round for the night, and we were totally wasted. The only person remotely sober, surprisingly, was Jake.

"Shit," I slurred, "I should probably go home. Do you think you could take me back?" I asked the group. "The apartment is just a few blocks west of here."

"Sure," Jake answered, not letting anyone else speak. "Hey, guys, I'll meet you back at the dorms. I'm going to take Bella home."

"Alright. Bye Bella! We love you and your skinny ass!"

"I love you, too guys!" I shouted back. Jake took my arm in his and began walking. "What time is it?" I wondered out loud. "I'm exhausted."

"It's just past two. Did you tell Edward where you were?" He asked.

His question went in one ear and out the other. "Why does everything look so much prettier at night than during the day?" I asked, completely foregoing the question.

He thought about it for a moment. "Because all you see during the day is a fake. The real New York doesn't show until night-time, when all the lights are shining, and you see it for it's true beauty. During the day, there's no accessories, no true life to it. It's just people pretending to be something their not. At night, every flaw is covered, and you see everything that it truly is. I find it more refreshing to be awake at night rather than during the day."

"Whoa, that's deep," I said. "Spoken like a true artist."

"Why thank you," he said.

"So do you think that I'm more like myself during the day than at night?" I asked.

"I think that if someone can get a bit of alcohol into you the entire world will see the real Bella Swan." We both chuckled. "But if I had to chose, then I'd say that you are true to yourself most of the time. Sometimes you don't always say everything that's on your mind, but then again, no one really does."

"I know," I said, "But sometimes, being who you really are, is difficult. For example: I love Edward. Everyone knows that. He is it for me. I don't know if I'm it for him, but that's just how I feel at the moment. Anyway, Whenever he's around, I feel like I can be my alone self with him. I know it doesn't make sense--"

"No, no it makes sense. Sorry, continue," he apologized.

"Anyway, at the same time, I can't really show myself. I show him myself, I just don't show him…everything."

"Well, we all need our secrets, Bells. We just need to know which ones we should keep and which ones would benefit us by telling." He eyed me, but I couldn't see the hidden meaning at the moment.

I nearly tripped over myself and Jake caught me. "Nice catch!" I said, enthusiastically.

"Sounds like someone is going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow."

"Yeah, and someone is going to have one hell of a time putting up with it," I mumbled.

"Bitch, be grateful that someone is there to put up with your killer hangovers. All I have is my roommate and he bails when he realizes I'm on a hangover." That made me chuckle.

Jake forced me to take the elevator despite my protests, saying I couldn't even walk on a flat surface, nonetheless a staircase. I dug through my purse to try and find my keys. Jake just knocked.

"Edward, it's Jake and Bella. Can you let us in."

"Damn it! Where are my keys?" I continued to dig through my purse furiously. "Where is the little mother fu--"

The door swung open and a very tired looking Edward breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank God."

"Hey Edward!" I said extremely cheerfully, like I'd seen him for the first time in years. I leapt into his arms and he caught me eagerly.

"Where have you been?" He asked.

"Jake has the greatest friends!" I explained. "They took me out for drinks--"

"Yeah, I can tell."

"--and they showed me a really good time. You should meet them!"

"Sorry about this, Edward," Jake said. "Once that girl gets started there's just no stopping her," he chuckled. "I didn't know if she called you or not, and I'm sorry about that."

"No, no, it's okay. She's home and safe, and I have you to thank for it."

"Hey, do you mind if we talk for a minute?" He asked Edward. Then glanced at me. "Do you mind. Guy talk," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh," I said, extricating myself from Edward's arms. "Sure," I drawled out. "I'll just go and try to get the alcohol out of my breath and change into something that doesn't smell like stinky drunk artists." I skipped off to the bedroom, completely, and totally unaware that Edward and Jake were probably talking about me at the very moment.

Note to drunk self: DON'T GET DRUNK.

While I started getting dressed, I began to pick up bits and pieces of the discussion.

"Normally, I wouldn't say anything, I mean I'm not one to judge, but she isn't a druggie friend of mine who ends up in rehab once in a while. She's a good friend, and I want her to stick around for a while. From what I've heard, I wouldn't even give her a year."

Silence followed and I stopped moving. Finally, Edward said, "Thanks Jake. I really appreciate you telling me. I doubt she would otherwise." His tone scared me.

Silently, I slipped out of the bedroom and into the foyer, where I found Edward and Jacob standing close together in huddle form, Edward looking very contemplative and concerned while Jacob looked uncomfortable

Jake looked up and waved. "Hey, you look better."

"Yeah," I said absentmindedly, glancing between the two of them. "Why don't I feel better?" The Jacob at least tried to look normal, Edward and I just stared each other down. I probably looked confused while he just looked as if he was in shock.

"Well," Jake said, breaking the silence. "I think I should get back. Embry, Quil and everybody are waiting back at the dorm. I'll see you later Bella."

I broke contact with Edward to smile at Jake and give him a hug. "Thanks for taking me out tonight. I had a really good time. And I really hope no one remembers anything that I said or did." I pulled back for a second. "I didn't do anything stupid, right?"

"Besides down two Long Islands and 17 shots of tequila? No," I slapped his arm and he chuckled. "See you, Bells." he kissed me on the cheek and disappeared through the front door. As well as my smile.

I turned back to Edward, who looked torn. "What's going on?" I asked.

He just shook his head, not looking up, and ran his hand through his hair. A nervous habit of his I picked up on.

"Shit," I swore, "Did I do something like, really stupid tonight? I didn't take my clothes off or anything, did I? I swear to God nothing--"

"No, no, it wasn't anything like that. He just gave me a lot to think about."

My heart stopped and my body froze. "You're not leaving me, are you?" My voice sounded weak and childish. Before he could say anything I panicked and wrapped my arms around myself. He tried stepping towards me, but I took a step back. "Edward I can't stand someone else walking out on me," tears started leaking from my eyes.

"Bella, no, I'm not leaving you, I could never, _ever_ leave you." Despite his words I started crying. He wrapped his arms around me, but I didn't budge. "Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate that. Shh, I'm sorry."

"I'm so sorry," I apologized. "Whatever Jake told you about, I'm sorry."

"Okay, let's go sit down and talk about it," he said, taking me to the bedroom.

After we curled up together, he said, "Jake told me about a few things that you said tonight,"

"Well there's your problem," I interrupted. "You're listening to my drunk ramblings. That's mistake number one." In fact, I'm still drunk, so everything I say is void.

"He said that you're sick." He eyed me meaningfully. I didn't catch his drift.

"Well that's a vague statement if I've heard one." I said. His expression didn't change. "Okay, what am I sick with?" I joked.

"He's saying you're anorexic with bulimic tendencies."

The blood drained from my face and my stomach twisted. "That's not funny, Edward."

"I'm not joking, Bella."

I sat up, trying to wrap my clouded brain around the fact that he knew. "Do you believe him?" I asked tightly.

"I don't want to," he said, "but it would certainly explain a lot." To me, he sounded convinced.

"I'm. Not. Sick."

"Bella, I need you to be honest with me here. I need to know if I should get you help."

"I'm going to sleep," I said abruptly. "And I'm so glad I drank as much as I did because I won't remember anything of this in the morning. Love you, goodnight." I yanked the covers up to my shoulders and turned away from Edward.

"Bella, I'm serious," he whispered.

"And so am I," I retorted. "Don't bring that up again. Let me forget about this."

"And how in hell am I supposed to forget about this, Bella?" He demanded. "I can't forget a comment like that after everything that's happened to you. After everything that _is _happening to you. I haven't seen you eat a meal since…I don't even remember when. I just want to know why."

"Because I can't eat with people watching my every move," I shot back. "Good night Edward." The note of finality in my voice warned him not to say anything.


	19. Chapter 18

I'm not sure what woke me up first: the headache, or the painful urge to pee. I sat up and was relieved to find myself in my own bed instead of someone else's like last time. The only thing wrong was that I was alone.

"Edward?" I called out. I slipped out from under the covers and put on my slippers and sweatshirt. "Edward? Babe?" He didn't answer me. I found him leaning over the photos in the family room. "Edward," I said a little more firmly.

His head shot up and he looked hesitant. I gave him an easy smile. "Something on your mind? You look a bit preoccupied." I sat on his lap and held his face between my hands. He looked so tired, and really…not like Edward. "You're quiet."

He smiled uneasily. "I'm just surprised you're still talking to me after last night."

I laughed out loud, which startled him. "Whatever I was mad at you about last night I doubt is significant. Anyway, I don't remember anything. Jesus, I don't even remember how many drinks I had. With Jake, I never remember." I chuckled, but Edward just looked worried. "Hun," I cupped his face in my hands. "You're getting frown lines. You're not allowed to have frown lines at your age. It's very unbecoming."

He shook his head. "Sorry, it's like night and day with you, literally. Last night I thought you were going to tear me limb from limb and this morning you're just a bundle of joy. It's just taking me a second to adjust to the whiplash."

I felt bad. He put up with my drunk side and got hurt. "I'm sorry. I should've just stayed with Jake last night. That wasn't fair to you. Look, whatever I said last night, I didn't mean it."

He waved his hand, "No, no, it's alright. You don't have to apologize. I was actually out of line yesterday, but forget that," he said, waving it off. "My mother wants to take us all out to dinner before school starts again. Mom and Dad are taking us to Balthazar out in Soho. Do you want to join me?"

How in hell was I supposed to get rid of the food?

"Bella?" Edward tried again. He looked worried. "Do you want to go?"

Trying for an easy smile, I said, "Sure. When are we meeting them there?" My smile threatened to falter, but I kept it on my face.

"Six. Dad has to be at work early tomorrow." The only thing I could think about was wiping that worried frown off his face.

"We still have plenty of time to waste before we have to go," I said, brushing his hair back. "Do you think you could bother yourself in helping me with a nice, hot, shower?"

He thought about it for a moment before looking up at me. "I'd love to."

After spending the majority of our afternoon in bed, we decided it would be best to get ready for dinner. On my side of the closet, I tried figuring out what I was supposed to wear. When I tried on a short, black, loose cotton dress, it felt weird on me. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. My boobs used to be a lot bigger, but they still stuck out, making me look fatter than I was.

Edward saw the panic before it hit. "You look beautiful Bella," he said, wrapping his arms around me from behind. "Like always."

His words, although heartfelt, didn't really penetrate my mind. I looked awful.

"Could you hand me that cream-colored cardigan on the shelf?" I asked, pointing to the shelf. He sighed and brought over the cardigan. When I slipped it on, I felt a little better about the cardigan covering up the width of my torso.

"Ready to go now?" he asked.

"Yes."

He brought me my pea-coat, scarf, and gloves. Almost out of instinct, I headed for the stairs.

"Bella, where are you going?" Edward's question snapped me out of a daze I didn't even know I was in.

I shook my head to get it cleared. "Oh, sorry. Zoned out for a second." He looked concerned, but took my hand and pulled me into the elevator. He held onto me a little tighter to me than usual, but I didn't blame him. I probably looked how I felt: about to fall over. Even though he didn't say anything, I'm sure he wanted to ask me something. It'd been hanging on his tongue all day.

"Taxi!" He called.

I rolled my eyes and started walking. He started after me. "Where are you going?"

"We're already late. Just take the damn subway. It's quicker." He huffed, but followed me anyways.

"You're so stubborn," he mumbled.

"You're lazy and spoiled," I shot back jokingly. "Is little Edward scared of the big, bad subway?" I said patronizingly.

He took my arm and said, "No, I'm just more comfortable in the back-leather-seats of a cab than a crowded subway." I scoffed, but he leaned down to whisper in my ear, "but I think we can both admit I'm not little." That earned me a blush and him a slap upside the head. He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

"So not only are you spoiled, you are also a narcissistic egocentric."

The subway trip was spent relatively quiet, just holding hands and watching people come and go. Edward, although he made a big deal over taking the subway, didn't seem to mind. It wasn't too crowded, due to the late hour.

We got off the subway and walked only a few blocks to Balthazar. Alice and Jasper waited outside, Alice jumping up and down in her kitten heels to keep warm.

"Bella!" She squealed when she saw me. When she collided with me, I thought I would tip over, and nearly did if Edward hadn't kept his arm around me.

"Whoa, hey Alice," I said, catching my breath.

She frowned at me. "Hey, what's wrong? You look like a train wreck." Way to be blunt, Alice.

"Gee, thanks. You look great, too," I said with sarcasm.

"Psh, you know what I mean, Jelly Bean. Come inside, it's freezing out here." She pulled me inside rather forcefully

"Hello to you, too Alice," Edward called from behind us.

"Hi, Edward," she said shortly.

The restaurant looked lovely, with a French bar feel. Red-leather booths adourned the inner walls of the restaurant, and a large square bar in the center with red-leather barstools. The elegant chandeliers gave a dim lighting, but not too dim like most other restaurants.

In a large corner booth sat the rest of Edward's family. They all waved and Esme got up from her edge seat to greet me.

"Hello, sweetheart," she said softly. "How are you?"

"Hung over," I chuckled.

The same comfortable feel took over the conversation at the table. Rosalie even conversed with me a little, finding my insight on things intriguing. Emmett was proud to hear that I was severely hung over and tried ordering a round, but I refused…emphatically.

"Can we order now, please?" Alice begged. "I'm starving!" Everyone at the table giggled at her impatience except me. Carlisle called a waiter, but I had no idea what I was going to order. Nobody was focusing on me, but I felt the impulse to remain calm and composed as to not draw suspicion. I felt out of control, like everything was going somewhere I didn't want it to.

"I'll have a rib-eye stake, rare with waffle fries," Alice ordered.

"Filet Minon for me," Edward said. When everyone turned to look at me, I felt like the center of attention.

"I'll have a t-bone steak, medium-well, with a dry house salad on the side." I figured it was a steakhouse, which was why everyone was ordering steaks, but I refused to eat something fried that would go straight to my ass.

I started chugging water in preparation for the purge. No one seemed to notice that, so I figured it was okay. I kept up conversation, adding to the pot here and there.

"So where did you go last night, Bella?" Emmett asked. "I'm interested in your drunken escapades.

I glared at him. "All I remember is the sushi restaurant we went to. Aki something, and then, to be cliché, _it was all a blur_." Everyone chuckled, and I took a gulp of water.

"So who did you go out with?" He asked.

"Jake and a few of his friends. His friend Rachel was a riot. The art crowd is really entertaining. They are so open with themselves, and have a great sense of humor. There's this one comedian I remember them quoting, Gabriel Iglesias."

Alice and Emmett all of a sudden look at each other a say in a ghetto woman tone, "Iglesias with an 'I'?" and started laughing hysterically.

"Apparently, I need to catch up on him," I joked.

The waiter showed up with the food and Alice started cheering. Despite her tiny size, she inhaled the stake as if there wasn't any time to spare. I watched in astonishment as she doused her oily French fries in ketchup and drenched her steak in A1 sauce. Rosalie did the same. I'd never felt so sick. How could they eat like that and be so tiny? Where did all that food go? Apparently, there is an abyss at the bottom of their stomach that put the food elsewhere. I occasionally took a bite of salad, and cut up my steak to pretend like I was going to eat it.

I tried talking a lot to avoid eating my food, and it worked. I just talked about the most irrelevant things: latest movies, Tiger Woods's over-publicity, latest fashions, and upcoming dance performances.

Everything was fine until they finished and Edward pointed out, "Bella, you haven't touched your food." I didn't like the suspicious tone in his voice, but I remained calm.

"Oh, that's okay, I'll just take it home and finish it later." I looked at everyone else instead of looking at him, because if he saw my face, I'm sure he'd see the lie. I jumped in on the conversation about Alice and Rosalie's weddings before he could say another word.

"Well," Esme said, taking Carlisle's hand, "I suppose we should be going. And you all, too, since you start the next semester tomorrow. It was fun. Have dinner with us when you have the time."

"It was fun seeing you, too," I said, getting out of the booth to give them each a goodbye hug. Edward and I stuck behind, moving a little slower than everyone else, and we were the last to leave the restaurant.

"Don't forget your box," he said on the way out.

Damn it. "Oh, thanks for catching that," I said, not too enthused. I quickly grabbed the box and hurriedly took Edward's arm. "Let's go home."

When we got back on the subway, I put the box under my seat. Edward will surely forget about it there. Besides, some homeless man will enjoy it. World's finest steak all theirs. My theory proved correct when we walked right off the subway, leaving the dreaded box behind.

When we got inside the apartment, he asked, "Where's your leftovers?"

I stood still for a moment. "Damn it!" I cursed to myself. "I left it on the subway."

"That's okay, do you want me to make you something else?"

"No," I said, not too quickly, "that's okay. It's late, and I'm really tired."

"Bella why aren't you eating?" he demanded suddenly, throwing his jacket over the couch with a frustrated expression. I nearly jumped out of my skin. I'd never heard Edward raise his voice like that.

"Edward, why are you yelling?" I asked softly, trying to sound like I didn't know exactly what he was talking about.

He proceeded to shout. "I haven't seen you eat a real meal in months. I'm not sure how you do it, but you've managed to escape from eating everything. There's always some ploy to getting out of it. Even Carlisle has noticed. Dinner tonight is a prime example. All you had to do was keep talking and no one noticed. But I noticed. Now tell me what's going on because I am scared shitless." Even though he was shouting and sounded angry, I could tell he was terrified.

"Edward, I have no idea what you're talking about," I insisted.

"Smart people can't play dumb Bella," he said, breathing heavily from his last tirade.

Panic rose in my chest, but I kept a calm façade. "Edward, I really don't have a clue as to what you're talking about. Can you please stop?"

He leaned up against the back of the couch and took a deep breath, staring at the ceiling. After several moments of silence, he looked at me, much calmer than before. "Come here for a second." I went without hesitation.

He carefully put his hands on my waist, but he inhaled as he did, clenching his eyes shut. When he let out his breath, it was shaky.

"What's wrong?" I asked, cupping his cheek with my hand.

"Bella, you're so small," he whispered. "How much weight have you lost since we met? Ever since November you've been getting smaller day by day. I can't just watch it happen anymore."

"Edward, I have no idea how much weight I've lost--"

"Bullshit," he interrupted. "Every time I look into the bathroom the scale is put back differently. And," he took a deep breath, "the toilet bowl cleaner is always put back differently." I could feel my face pale. "Now how much have you lost?"

I shrugged "I don't know, ten, twenty pounds?" He looked down, sighing, defeated. "Edward, it's not a big deal!" I exclaimed.

He took my face in his hands. "It _is _a big deal!" he whispered harshly. "You've lost twenty percent of your body weight for God's sake!"

"It was necessary!" I argued, stepping away from him. "I was ten pounds overweight when I met you and--"

"That's bullshit, Bella!" he shouted again, standing up. He started pacing. "You looked healthy back then. Now you just look like a stick figure! There's almost nothing to you anymore."

He didn't like the way I looked. He thought I was ugly. Fan-fucking-tastic. I sat down on the big leather chair and put my hand over my mouth, balancing my elbow on my crossed legs. I looked down at them and saw the little bit of fat around my knees. No wonder he hated the way I looked. I started pinching the fat.

Edward grabbed my hand, pulling me out of my mind. He wiped away several tears that I didn't even noticed had escaped.

"What happened, Bella?" He wondered. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

I just shook my head back and forth. After everything I'd done to look perfect for him, he hated it. He hated everything. He hated me.

"You hate me," I whimpered. I tried standing up, I wanted out of here, but he gently tried pulling me back down. My hands shook, but I didn't know if it was from the panic or the hypoglycemia.

"Bella, _Bella_, calm down," he said gently. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you more than anything. If I hated you, I would not be doing this. If I hated you, I'd say knock yourself out. But I'm doing this because I want you healthy."

His words didn't really register in my mind. He hated me, and that was all there was. He hated the way I looked and he hated the way I acted.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He held my hands tightly to stop the shaking.

"You hate me," I whimpered trying to slow my breathing that would eventually turn into a sob. "I'm so sorry." My body shook with silent sobs, and I hated myself for breaking so easily. I'd kept this secret for nearly four months, and now it comes out.

"Bella," he sighed, "I don't hate you. I love you, is anything I say going into your head?" He chuckled, taking it in his hands. "Look into my eyes," he said.

I forcefully looked up into his eyes, and they looked solemn and honest. "I love you," he said slowly. "Now, do you want to tell me what started this?"

I drew a blank. What did start this? "I…I don't know," I said honestly. "When I met you, I was already watching my weight. It was difficult for me to stay in shape. Then after…after…" that's when the blank was filled, and I froze.

The email. The damn email. I pulled my hands back from Edward and covered my face. A strangled sob escaped my lips and I curled up in the chair, feeling more vulnerable than ever. "Oh, God," I cried.

"Bella, Bella, focus," Edward said quickly. "Now what was it? I'm sure we can fix it. Bella, what was it?"

My heart beat hard in my chest, to the point I could hear it in my ears. I stood up and dug through my purse to find my phone. With shaky and unsteady hands, I opened up my emails. When I found it, the phone dropped out of my hands.

Seeing the words again made me hate myself twice as much as I did. Edward didn't get a chance to keep me from running to the bathroom. I stripped out of my clothes and stepped on the scale.

88 appeared on the digital display.

I started sobbing, then kicked the scale across the bathroom, causing me to cut my foot pretty badly, but the only thing I could feel was the throbbing pain in my chest. I put on the biggest sweatshirt I could find and curled up on the bathroom floor.

Edward came rushing in seconds later. He fell to the floor and wrapped me in his arms tightly. He didn't say a word, but just held me. Eventually, he just picked me up and cradled me in his arms.

"My chest hurts," I sobbed. "My chest hurts so bad." My breathing escalated to an unhealthy rate. "Something's wrong." My chest felt a sharp, agonizing pain with every breath.

"Okay, hold on babe," he said, putting me down on the bed. "Wait right here."

I curled up on the bed, clutching my chest and trying to breathe. Edward came back moments later with a cup of water. I took the glass from him, but my hands shook so bad that after the first sip, I dropped it on the floor. My heart stopped beating so hard.

"Oh," I whimpered. I got up slowly and got on the floor to pick up the glass. "I'm so, so sorry Edward," I said, a little more calm. "I'm sorry. I just--"

"Bella!" He shouted. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. He looked very concerned. "Just get into bed, we'll clean it up later, okay? It's not important." With ease, he took me by the waist and set me down on the bed. With his guidance, I found myself under the covers, naked except for the sweatshirt.

Edward got into the bed next to me, leaving a wet mess on the floor. He rubbed my back gently, but I couldn't fall asleep. I grabbed an extra pillow from Edward's side and placed it under my hip bones.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Is the bed to stiff?"

"No," I sniffled, "just my boney, bruised ass."

"Here, let me see," he said, turning on the bedside lamp while I turned over onto my back. I pushed down the covers just enough to see my hips and pulled up the sweatshirt a little. His hands barely touched the bruised skin. "Is this why you get up in the middle of the night?" he asked. I just nodded. He kissed my hip bones and looked up at me. "We'll make it better. I promise."

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too. Now try to get some sleep."

He was still there when I woke up from discomfort at four in the morning. He was still awake.

"Did you sleep any?" I croaked.

He shook his head. "No. What's wrong?"

"I just feel so uncomfortable," I said. "God, I sound like a pregnant lady."

He chuckled. "Yes, you do. Now," he said, "we are going to get you to eat something." I stared at him with a blank expression. "Bella, you have to eat something."

"How can you expect me to eat when my own mother called me fat?" I demanded.

He stared me down. "Don't believe a word she says," he ordered. "If you believe her, then you belong in the asylum. Do you want to be admitted into the asylum?" I shook my head. "Then you can eat something."

"Can I get pants on first?" I asked. He chuckled.

"Of course. I'll be in the kitchen."

After I put on some pants, I found Edward in the kitchen, cooking up eggs and toast. I sat down and he brought me a plate. He sat down next to me while I just stared at the plate. My mind instantly tried finding ways to get rid of the food.

"Bella," he drawled.

"I can't eat this," I said. No way.

"Why not?" he asked.

"I have to go back to school today and I can't be looking fat and chubby or else the other girls will just stare at me like they did when I weighed over a hundred pounds."

"Bella, you're not going to school."

I gaped. "Of course I'm going to school."

"No you're not."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because you're not healthy. Because your body can't take a day of rigorous exercise like it used to. At your weight," he took a deep breath, "you are just a heart-attack waiting to happen." I could tell the thought scared him, but it didn't faze me. Before I could argue on the point, he said, "Just eat. Please."

After the first bite of toast, it got worse and worse. Each bite felt like torture. I started shaking my head no, but Edward just sat next to me, rubbed my back, and encouraged me to keep going.

"Bella," he sighed after my third pause in the meal, "if you can't eat this then the only other option I have is to check you into an eating disorder clinic."

My head whipped around. "You wouldn't," I said, my eyes wide with panic.

"I will if it will help you get better," he said.

"It would ruin everything," I whispered desperately. "They won't let me graduate, the NYB wouldn't take me, and I'd have nowhere to go. You wouldn't do that to me." The very idea of a clinic sent me into panic mode.

"Just eat, Bella." He sounded tired, and I felt bad, so I took another few bites.

The day went on like this. Every two hours I had to eat something. Edward called the school, saying that I needed medical leave. They granted me a week off from my dance classes and I could still attend my basic studies classes, but Edward still had to attend all of his, leaving me alone for most days.

He didn't say anything in the taxi fortunately. I didn't need any of my issues broadcasted.

"Edward," I said, "Please don't tell anyone," I begged quietly. "Especially Alice, Rose, and Esme." The scrutiny I'd be under would send me running for the hills like the kitchen was on fire.

He looked out the window. "It's not my place to tell them, Bella. But if they figure it out, I'm not going to lie to them." Fair enough. He took my hand from across the seat, and I felt that we were okay. Not great, but okay. At least he still loved me, right? If I was alone, I'm fairly certain I would've done this to the death.

Wow. That's an eye opener. When it came down to it, I guess I would die to be thin.


	20. Chapter 19

My phone ringing woke me from an otherwise painful sleep.

Edward, still blissfully asleep next to me, remained unaware of the annoying quack ringtone.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Bella, it's Jane!" she sounded rather bright and cheery. It'd been quite a while since I'd spoken to her. I had mixed feelings about it. Edward had just given me long lectures over food, and now I was talking with an anorexic girl who likes to compete with me.

"Hey, Jane. What's going on?" I silently got out of the bed and slipped on Edward's discarded shirt from last night (cue blush) and headed for the living room, where I hoped Edward wouldn't hear me.

She huffed. "My parents are being assholes. Do you want to go out shopping or something? I just need to get the fuck out of here."

With hesitation, I answered, "Um, it's kind of early to be out shopping, but I can go out this afternoon. I just need to talk with Edward about some things." She heard the reluctance in my tone.

"Is he noticing?" She asked, and apparently, it was rhetorical. "I hate it when that happens. People start getting nosy and try to help and think that they can fix it and blah blah blah blah blah." Anyone could tell she was eighteen with her childish tendencies. "Well, how 'bout we get away from all of it this afternoon? We can go out, shop, walk through the part, sabotage the Gugenheim, not eat, overdose on laxatives. What's your guilty pleasure?" She sounded very flippant, and it worried me.

"Hey," I said softly, "Is something wrong?"

She groaned. "I feel like a tub of lard!" she cried. "I've gained, like, ten pounds since treatment and I really need to get back into it. How have you been doing weight-wise?"

"My weight is dropping," I said in a low tone, just to be cautious about Edward overhearing, "but emotionally I'm a wreck. I've been under so much stress, my boyfriend won't leave me alone about it, everyone stares at me when I walk into class late because I was busy purging breakfast, and I've never been more self-conscious in my entire life." Biggest understatement of the century. "I just need an escape," I said to myself, rubbing my forehead with the heel of my hand.

"Meet me at the entrance to the part at 79th Street at two o'clock. We can just chill and vent. Sound good?"

"Sounds great," I said. "I'll see you then."

Figuring Edward probably wouldn't be out of bed soon, I got up off the couch and went to the kitchen, finding a plate from the cabinet. Making sure I heard no sounds from the bedroom, I picked up the toaster and shook it out over the plate. Crumbs fell freely from the slots and I waited until an acceptable and believable amount was on it before stopping and headed back to the couch to turn on the TV. I left the plate of crumbs on the coffee table to make it look like I ate something.

Edward came out of the bedroom about two episodes of Spongebob Square Pants later. He chuckled when his eyes drifted from me to the screen.

"Really?" he asked with a smirk on his face.

"Don't judge," I warned with a smile.

He cuddled up next to me, running his hand through my hair like always. "Did you eat?" He asked, nodding towards the crummy plate.

"Yes," I lied smoothly.

"Just making sure."

A silence fell between us, and after the episode of Spongebob came to an end, I said, "My friend Jane wants to meet up with me today," I said, still staring at the TV. "So I hope you don't mind being on your own for a little while."

I expected Edward to say something about eating, about taking care of myself, or about how he's unsure about me being around other girls. But he surprised me by just saying, "I don't mind. Have fun while you're out." He sounded like he meant it.

Turning around to face him, I couldn't help but look incredulous. "No lectures about eating? No offering to join me for lunch to make sure that I eat? No, 'promise me you'll take care of yourself' tirade?"

He eyed me levelly. "This past week you've been really good about it, and I trust you. So all that being said, yes, I do want you to eat and take care of yourself, but I hoped you had that figured out already."

I hadn't been better this past week, I'd just been better at hiding it. At every meal, I sneaked little bites of food up my sleeves, in my pockets, and exercised like crazy when Edward wasn't around. The result was weight loss. Edward already thought I couldn't get any smaller, so he just imagined that I wasn't. I guess when you're already a skeleton, you can't get any worse, even if you're down to 86 pounds.

"Alright, then," I said simply, feeling a pang of guilt over deceiving him so artfully. "So what are your plans for the afternoon?"

He shrugged, playing with a lock of my hair. "Jasper, Emmett and I were going out for drinks tonight, so it's all good."

"Okay."

Despite feeling weak and kind of zoned out, I managed to get around. I managed to survive my intense dance classes, I managed to fight through each meal with Edward without eating much, I managed to slip by without getting caught. But that's the thing. I was just managing. I wasn't enjoying or thriving. Life scraped by like living on minimum wage.

The only thing good was Edward. He showered me with kisses, words of confidence and love, and despite being worried about my shrinking frame, he loved me every night without fail. He never looked repulsed, never poked or prodded, never made side comments, but rather worshiped every inch of skin on my body. Not one place on me went undiscovered or untouched. He made me feel special, like I was worth the fight. Every night after a dramatic climax he would kiss me and murmur "I love you." It was my anchor to sanity.

When I met Jane at the agreed spot, she looked small, but not as small as me, which gave me a small bit of pleasure.

She glared at me, feigned walking away, then turned back to me with a broad smile. "Damn! You look great! You must weigh nothing by now."

I smiled, even though I shouldn't have. "Eighty-six."

She linked arms with me and we started walking through the park, which was only populated by rushing pedestrians and dedicated runners. No people relaxing in the snow today.

"So what's up with your parents?" I asked.

"My dad is just being a dick about school. He wanted me to start at NYU this semester, but I told him that school wasn't for me. I told him that I couldn't do school when I'm so focused on other things."

"Such as?" I probed.

She rolled her eyes. "Losing weight. I applied for a job as a yoga instructor at a gym and got it. So now I work four days a week ten hours a day with free access to the other classes. He doesn't think work is what I need." I couldn't really tell how much she'd gained, but her jeans were ever tighter and her soft curls framed her fuller face. The hospital had certainly done things to her figure.

"How much do you weigh now?" I inquired.

Her tiny nose wrinkled up in disgust. "Eighty pounds. I want to get down to sixty again."

I frowned. She weighed six pounds less than I did. Jealously burned in my chest. "How can you think I'm thinner than you when you weigh six pounds less?"

She nudged me with her elbow. "Because I'm several inches shorter than you. I'm four eleven and you're five four. If you think about it, I'm really fat." I could see her anxiety building up over the subject. Suddenly letting go of my arm, she dug through her Marc Jacobs tote bag, pulling out a small box. "Laxatives hurt like hell, but give you the extra boost to get motivated," she explained, digging out a water bottle and downing four tablets. Then she offered the box to me. "Care to try?"

I could hear Edwards fear-induced tirades, I could remember the worried expressions on his face whenever I turned down food or struggled to finish a meal. I knew I shouldn't take them.

But I did anyways. Like Jane, I swallowed four tablets, feeling a little more confident about the weight loss. "How long does it take to pass?" I asked, looping my arm through hers again and resuming our walk through the part, heading towards the sailboat pond.

"About twelve hours," she shrugged. Then added, "Hey, until they pass, do you want to hang out with me? Have a sleepover maybe? My mom is in Florida for the weekend and my dad is working in Pennsylvania. What do you say?" She looked hopeful, and full of mischief.

My choices today weren't the best. "Sure. I just need to call Edward and let him know I won't be home tonight."

While we walked and talked, I could see Jane getting really worked up over her parents constantly throwing her into the hospital so that they didn't have to deal with her. Her dad, apparently, was a therapist, working at an eating disorder center in Pennsylvania. She told me that the only reason they hired him was because he managed to get the girls to eat. She questioned his techniques.

She started throwing a fit late into the afternoon. I gave her a tight hug and got her to calm down a bit, but I still didn't know what to do. So I did what I would do. "Lets have our own party tonight," I declared.

She eyed me speculatively. "Party?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You, me, Don Julio, and Tanqeray are going to have our own little party. What do you say?" I didn't know where she stood on the alcohol morality scale, but she was all for it.

I stopped by the liquor store on the way back to her place. She laughed at how much booze I bought. "We are going to have serious hangover in the morning," she giggled.

Her apartment reminded me of the one from the Nanny Diaries: all French provincial and brand new appliances. After I settled in the kitchen with the bottles of booze, I called Edward.

"Hello?" He answered cheerily.

"I'm sleeping over at Jane's tonight," I said. "She's really upset with her parents and since I can sympathize, I figured I'd give her some comfort. I should be back home by early tomorrow afternoon. Sorry this is so sudden," I apologized.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I wouldn't want anyone to go through something like you did and not have support. So how was your day?" He asked. I could hear the city in the background, guessing he was out with Jasper and Emmett.

"It was good. We just walked around the park for a bit and grabbed a bite to eat and now we are going to sit down and watch some terrible chick flicks about life lessons that should be learned in high school. So are you with Jasper and Emmett?" I pulled out the bottles and started lining them up on the counter. Jane walked in, approaching a cabinet full of shot glasses and pulling several out.

"Yeah, I'm on my way to meeting up with them for a couple of drinks."

Something in the pit of my stomach made me feel upset. "No going up to random girls when you're drunk, alright? I'd be really upset if I heard stories of you grinding up against some beautiful skinny model-like prom queen--" I didn't realize how upset I was getting until Edward cut me off mid-rant.

"Hey now, you know that there is only one beautiful girl in my life, and that girl is the only person I am ever going to get carried away with while intoxicated. Besides, it's a sports bar and a couple of beers. Maybe a game of pool. I'm saving myself for someone special anyway." His tone threw away any negative thoughts that I had about him going out.

"Alright," I sighed. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he said softly over the city sounds.

After I hung up, I realized that Jane was just staring at me with beady blue eyes. "What?" I demanded.

She just shook her head and smiled, grabbing the bottle of vodka.

Half an hour later we were completely wasted. We'd broken several shot glasses and tipped over several chairs playing tag. Jane took to vodka very well. As for the tequila, I think that's what really got her crazy.

"'Somebody call 9-1-1! SHORTY FIRE-BURNIN ON THE DANCE FLOOR! WHOAA!" she sang out of tune with Sean Kingston. We started dancing, me being completely in my element. She noticed my moves. "Damn, you can dance!" she giggled. She grooved on over to me and we danced together--if you can call it that. We started spinning in a circle, accelerating our speed until we fell over. On the floor, legs in the air, we started singing along to the song.

Around two, we stumbled drunkenly into her bedroom, where we crashed, our bodies completely destroyed.

A stabbing pain in my lower abdomen woke me up. I felt as if I really needed to pee. Realizing that Jane's bathroom was occupied, I found another guest bathroom and sat on the porcelain throne for a good half an hour. When I stepped out, Jane was leaning against the wall, her face pained, and her hands holding a hot cup of tea.

"Those laxatives pass?" She asked.

Nodding, "Yeah."

"Come have some tea for that hangover."

We sat down in the kitchen, enjoying our tea in silence. After we finished, we settled in the destroyed family room.

"Should we clean this up?" I asked.

Jane shook her head. "The maids will get it tomorrow." She changed the subject. "So what are you and Edward doing for Valentines Day? Is he going to whisk you off to some romantic and remote island where he will ravish you silly?" She giggled.

I rolled my eyes. "That's a bit over dramatic," I said with a hint of sarcasm. "I have no idea what Edward has planned, but I know he's up to something. He's got romantic tendencies." I blushed just thinking about them. My hand absentmindedly went to my neck, where I found my pearls. Jane eyed them.

"Those are some pretty pricey pearls," she commented. Then added, "What has he done for you in the past?"

I thought about it. "Well, when we met, he was always complementing me, being sweet. He took me out to nice dinners. When we finally got together, he practically begged me to move in with him. We are more happy living together then we were living apart. And usually it's the opposite way around--problems show up when you move in since you're around each other all the time," Jane nodded in agreement. "But for Christmas, I was leaving to go see my dad, and instead of just letting me go, he gave me this necklace, saying that they came all the way from the South Sea to be worn by me. When things turned disastrous with my dad and I flew back, Edward up and took me to the Hamptons to join his family for Christmas.

"But what he does that is the most romantic is how he sleeps with me," I said, not meaning to sound like a sex addict. Jane looked excited, like this was the part she'd been waiting for. I went on to describe it. "He doesn't just look at me, he _sees _me. He just relishes in the fact that I'm there with him. And all he can talk about is how beautiful I am, he tells me every night before we go to bed that he loves me. And it's not that he just says it," I assured Jane, "he says it as if there is no other way to describe his feelings for me. He meets my eyes and tells it like it is. I really believe that he loves me." Saying it out loud made me feel a bit more confident.

I wasn't sure if Edward would always love me, but at the moment, I was confident that he did. Even if I'm in a bitchy mood, a sad mood, a flippant mood, or even just oblivious, Edward never failed to remind how much he loved me. Periodically throughout the day he would pull me close, give me a heartfelt kiss, and whisper 'I love you'. Nothing in the world meant more to me than those little moments.

Jane smiled. "You're so lucky."

I smiled back. "Don't I know it."

About mid afternoon after leaving Jane at her gym, I was reminded of all of the things I said that morning and decided to give Edward a call.

"How's my one and only love today?" he asked, picking up on the first ring.

"Missing you," I said honestly.

He chuckled, sounding happy. "It's been twenty-four hours and you miss me. Don't you ever get tired of me?"

"No, why do you think I moved in with you?" He laughed at that and I joined him. "So I think I'm going to head on home now. Will I see you there?"

"Most definitely. How far are you?"

"Ten minutes at the most."

"Alright then. Bella," he said, just before I could hang up, "I love you."

There it was again.

"I love you, too. I'll see you in a few minutes."

When I strolled into the apartment, I heard the piano playing suddenly stop. "Please," I called out, "continue. It sounds beautiful." He rounded the corner into the foyer, and he looked utterly elated that I was home.

"Not nearly as beautiful as you," he said wrapping his arms tightly around me and swooping in for a kiss. I relaxed into his embrace, feeling more at home than ever. I dropped my purse on the floor to wrap my arms around his neck. He sighed in content before pulling back a bit, gazing down at me while brushing a stray curl from my face. "Nothing is as beautiful as you are," he whispered so softly I almost didn't hear.

My heart swelled, and I realized we'd been apart for way too long. Pulling his face down to mine again, I jumped up to wrap my legs around his waist, making my intent very clear. He whisked me away to our bedroom, where he finally set me on the ground again. With quick hands, I threw away his sweater and unbuttoned his jeans. He pulled me in for another kiss, and I traced the contours of his face with my fingertips, down his neck, where I could feel his quickening pulse, matching mine. I rested my hands on his bare chest, and I could feel his hands start working on my blouse, bra, pants. We never once broke the kiss, not being able to stop touching each other.

On the bed, I could feel every curve of his body against mine, his scent was the only thing I could breathe. Before we could get to carried away, he pulled back from my lips only to say with heavy breath, "I love you."

His hands on me was all I could comprehend after that point.

When we cuddled in bed afterward, he said, "Not that I object, but is there a reason behind the enthusiastic return?" He played with my hair as I rested my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and reveled in satisfaction.

"Well," I breathed, "Jane got me into talking about the romantic aspect of my life, and after getting it all out, I realized how much I can't stand being without you." His hand brushed against my cheek and I thought I would die of happiness. I didn't understand why I loved his touch so much. I hated my body, but I loved it when he touched it.

"Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to have fun without you last night?" he asked rhetorically. "Emmett had a few drinks and started singing the 'Party Pooper' song that you guys are so in love with." His chest rumbled with chuckles and I laughed along with him. "But I don't think I could ever go too long without seeing you," he said softly. "I don't think I can go on that tour with Yo-Yo Ma," on a more serious note. "Not to sound too cliche, but I'm a mess without you."

"Likewise," I muttered against his chest, "but that doesn't get you out of the tour." No way.

"Then what will?" He asked seriously.

"If you impregnate me and I have midnight cravings that will force you to run errands at all hours of the night," I said half jokingly.

"Consider it done."

"I don't think so lover boy," I said, finally meeting his eyes. "We've both got some things to do after graduation that we've made a commitment to. And as appealing having a child with you is, I still think we should stick to those promises." My words made him contemplate. "Besides," I added a little sadly, "I am in no state to have a child anyways," I looked away, unable to meet his eyes anymore. After all I'd done, I don't know if I'd ever be able to have a child.

Edward didn't say anything, but somehow he managed to recapture my lips and my attention, making the rest of the day pass in a blur.


	21. Chapter 20

When I woke up, Edward wasn't with me, but a beautiful half-bloomed rose so red it put my own blood to shame sat in his place. He left a note next to it. "Morning Beautiful," he actually capitalized the word, "Have fun with Alice and Rose. They'll take you where you need to go. I love you more than anything. Happy Valentines Day - Edward"

My heart did the same pitter-patter it always did when Edward captured my heart all over again. I put on my bathrobe and walked down the hall into the family room, where I saw the most beautiful arrangement in the world. Red roses covered every surface, bouquets sat in crystal vases on every table and counter top. A big smile spread across my face and my heart felt full. Edward possessed it now. It was all his.

I picked up the cordless on the end table and dialed Edward's cell.

"Hello?" He sang into the phone.

"I love you," I said emphatically. "I hope you didn't do this for every girlfriend you've had because I feel pretty damn special right now." I looked around the apartment and couldn't find anything that didn't have roses on it.

He chuckled. "No. This is all for you. Bask in the glory of being the only girlfriend of Edward Cullen's to wake up in a sea of roses." I blushed. "Please tell me you're blushing. You would totally make my day if you told me you were blushing."

"My blush puts these roses to shame," I told him.

"Good. Now Alice and Rose should be over there soon to treat you to a wonderful day.

Did you have breakfast?" He had to go and ruin it with a food comment.

"I had heart-shaped pancakes with whipped-cream 'E's on them to remind me of you," I lied convincingly.

"Aren't you clever," he chuckled. "Have fun with Alice and Rosalie today. I'll pick you up tonight at seven."

"Should I dress nicely?" I asked.

"I should say so. I love you, but I have to go."

"Alright. Love you, bye."

I basked in the flowers that surrounded me. The entire apartment was covered in flowers. For a distracted moment, I glanced down at myself. How could I look nice for Edward if I was as big as a cow? Unable to stop myself, I went into the bathroom and pulled out the scale. The digital display settled on eighty-four.

Figuring I had done well in losing two pounds in two days, I stepped into a nice outfit to look acceptable for Rosalie and Alice.

When I opened the door after hearing the designated knock, I opened up to find both the girls dressed and smiling.

"Is this something Jasper and Emmett did, too?" I asked as they stepped in, but they stopped in the middle of the foyer. Their eyes drifted all around the visible apartment, looking at all the roses.

"The spa: yes. The romantic display of affection via a thousand roses: no." Alice was about to swoon. I was about to pass out from the idea of a spa, where everyone just walks around in towels all day. Where people notice the fat hanging off your body.

I smiled to myself. Only Edward.

"Let's get going before I decide to kill Emmett for being upstaged on the romanticism," Rose added.

In the taxi, I could feel Rose and Alice's subtle stares penetrating my body like dull knives. Suddenly, a spa didn't seem like a good idea. They chatted idly, but I could feel the force behind their words and the tension in their bodies. My heightened awareness of my surroundings made me hypersensitive to the both of them. It unnerved me to see them like that around me. I didn't bother asking them what was wrong. People don't ask questions they already know the answers to.

Despite their visible tension, they eagerly ushered me into the spa, insisting that I would have a good time. A twitch in my stomach told me otherwise.

"Bella, you are supposed to take your clothes off first before you wrap yourself in a towel," Alice chuckled lightly. The lightness was forced.

"Har har, Alice. I know what I'm supposed to do, I'm not that aloof." I just didn't want to take my conservative clothes off. They can't see my body if I keep the empire-waist red dress on with a cashmere sweater.

She and Rose were already undressed and comfortable in their robes.

"I'll meet you out there. I just need to make a quick phone call," I lied. They eyed me skeptically, but relinquished me anyways.

"Don't take too long. We have a mud bath scheduled for two o' clock," Rose simply said.

I didn't call anyone. Making sure no one was around, I undressed in the back of the locker room, away from Rose and Alice's stuff. In front of the mirror, I just looked at myself, wondering how in the world I managed to embarrass myself so much by gaining weight. How could I compare standing next to long, lean, gorgeous Rose and Alice? I didn't understand, but I put on the fluffy robe anyways, which swallowed me whole, covering up any and all the flubby flesh that covered my body.

When I walked into the salon where Alice and Rose proceeded to get facials with green goo that looked like something a dog would puke after being out in the backyard for too long.

"How was the 'phone call'?" Rose asked. I could hear the quotations.

"Fine," I answered smoothly.

Her eyes twitched, and I realized she wanted to roll her eyes. Ignoring her, I sat down on the third leather recliner and let the woman put the dog puke on my face. At least it didn't smell like dog puke.

"You know," Alice said, obviously bothered, "you don't have to call Edward every hour of the day. I'm sure he was behaving himself with Jasper and…okay, never mind, with Emmett, anything could happen, but seriously. You can trust Edward to do the right thing." She waved off her rant.

Chuckling at her babble, I said, "It's not that. I didn't even call Edward. Jake doesn't really have anyone and I wanted to wish him a happy Valentine's day." That was a lie, but I probably should call him…

Alice gave me a genuine smile. "That was nice of you. I hope he has a good day."

That was the end of that discussion. After our facials, I felt liberated of the dirt and oils in my pores, but I was far from liberated from the control of Alice.

"Mud bath time!" she sang when we got off the facial chairs. I instantly wanted to say no, but that would've been suspicious. When I approached the large bath filled with lumpy mud, I waited until Alice and Rose were turned around to drop the robe and got in before the could turn around and see my body. I silently slipped into the most disgusting bath I've ever taken. Mud bath…isn't that contradiction in terms?

"Damn," she exclaimed when she turned around and saw me in the bath already. "You move fast."

"I was excited to try my first mud bath," I shrugged. Then commented, "I'm going to have mud in places where mud should never be." That made the girls laugh.

The entire day felt like a battle ground which required my tactics for evasion to survive. Going on the offensive would give away too much. So the war went on throughout the day; Alice trying to steal glances at my body, Rosalie shooting suspicious looks, while I ducked and covered behind anything bigger than me.

After spending a while in the sauna with the girls, I left a few minutes early so I could get dressed without them seeing me. When they finally came into the locker room, I was putting my necklace back on. They just glanced at me, too subtle to do much more than that.

"So where are we going for dinner?" I asked the girls as they put on their clothes, trying to make conversation not so difficult.

Alice shrugged. "As usual, the boys are keeping it a secret, but I don't think we're going to the same places. I would bet on Emmett getting tickets to a show or something. Jasper, God only knows, but with Edward, he's probably got something really special in mind for you." She smiled at me, but it was one of those sad ones.

"Why do you say that?" I asked cautiously.

"Because he loves you more than anything," she said simply with a shrug. "He wants to make sure you know that you're it for him, that you are the entire reason for his being." She turned and looked at me, her expression looked frustrated more than mad, but she was still clearly upset. "Do you have any idea how hard he tries to make you see yourself for who you are?" she demanded. "You should hear how he talks about you! All he can talk about is how beautiful, how intelligent, how amazing you are! He all but worships the ground you walk on. When he's not with you, you're all he can think of. When he's with you, all he can think about is you standing next to him. Do you know what he said to me the other day when I asked him why he was so distracted?"

Alice didn't look like Alice. She looked like the Mad Hatter without his tea. "'God, she's so beautiful. Why aren't I with her?'" Her expression softened. "Why don't you see yourself the way he sees you?"

Her sudden rant scared me. Out of nowhere, she called me out on all my insecurities, making me feel vulnerable and exposed. Despite my clothes covering almost every inch of my body, I felt naked in front of Alice. Rosalie looked almost as shocked as me. What do you say to something like that?

The truth was that I couldn't respond. Instead of sticking around for the car ride back to the apartment with them, I gathered my things, walking past them in silence out of the locker room.

"Bella, wait-" Alice called, but I was already through the doors.

Fighting tears, I hailed a cab and told him to punch it back to the apartment. I needed to be alone, and now would be the best time.

After throwing a twenty at the cabbie, I ran up the stairs to the top floor. As soon as the door closed, the tears came. The roses around me were only reminders of everything I was abusing. Edward bought them for me, but I didn't deserve them. I was a compulsive liar; a fake. For the first time, I feared everyone finding out that they don't really know about me.

I wanted to sink into the wall, blending in so that no one could see me. No one could touch me. I couldn't stand being so noticeable. Not knowing what else to do, I crawled into our bed.

I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to really cry. The type that just comes out of nowhere, and you just do for the sake of crying. And then, after realizing you can cry, you just keep crying for a good fifteen minutes afterward so you can look at your puffy eyes in the mirror. Only I didn't want to look at myself in the mirror: I wanted to disappear.

Unaware that I'd cried myself to sleep, I awoke to the soft voice of an angel hovering over me.

"Bella?" he called. "Bella, love?"

"Mmm," I mumbled.

"Are you feeling alright?" I detected a note of concern.

Blindly finding his torso, I wrapped my arms around him. "Now I am."

He chuckled softly. "I didn't know Alice and Rose could wear you out at a spa."

"You'd be surprised," I laughed with him. _You have no idea_.

"Do you want to go get dinner?" he asked.

_No. _"Sure," I said brightly, opening my eyes and pushing him back a little. He looked so happy. His face practically glowed he looked so happy. The look on his face told me I was in for a surprise. "Where are we going?"

The grin on his face confirmed my suspicions. "It's a surprise."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Okay. Is it me, or is everything with you a surprise?"

While Edward put on a nice dress shirt and pants, I slipped into a white lace dress that flared from the hips and a red ribbon just under the bust. The red heels accented the dress. Being New York in February, Edward insisted I put on a coat over it.

Just as Edward approached the street to hail a taxi, I put a hand on his arm. He looked down at me.

"Let's take a walk. We've got time." He just smiled and offered me his arm. I took it gladly.

"So how are your classes going?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Just fine. Professor Besalyan invited us to his place for a get-together with all the seniors."

That was news. "Oh, when's that?"

"Next weekend. He's sort of quiet, but once he gets comfortable with his students he can't stop talking." He looked down at me and smiled. "Kind of like you."

"Stop it," I said with a flick of my hand.

"And so modest," he chuckled.

"Psh," I shrugged. "I try, I try." He laughed and kissed the top of my head.

"He says he can't wait to meet you," he added.

I stopped walking and he jerked back at my sudden halt, surprised at my reaction. "What? What's wrong?"

"What do you mean he can't wait to meet me?" The mere idea of having anyone see me at the moment made me cringe. Just an hour ago I wanted to turn into a chameleon.

"I said he invited, 'us' right?" he asked.

"Yeah," I drawled, "but I thought you meant you and your piano buddies."

"Why are you so shocked? Is there something wrong?"

I'm sure Alice and Rosalie would cover explaining my insecurities for me, so I left it at, "Nothing's wrong, it's just that I didn't think I would be invited."

He looked around with a shocked expression on his face before his eyes settled on me. "Why wouldn't you be invited?"

He was upset. "Never mind," I said quickly and resumed walking with him. "So is there still no chance of me finding out where we're going?"

He smiled. "You'll find out when we get there."

"There" would be one of the most expensive Italian restaurants on the East Side. It was the kind of restaurant that kicked away homeless people from two blocks away in every direction, the kind where the price matched the quality of the food, the kind where even the rich and shameless dressed in priceless couture.

I tentatively poked at my food. Most of the food I put in my mouth ended up in my napkin after I 'dabbed' my lips with a napkin. Edward bought it, so I continued contributing to conversation cheerily.

"You should've seen the look on Emmett's face when he heard that from Rosalie," he smiled. "Although, she wants to dance for a year or two, but she feels it's her calling in life."

"I can imagine Rosalie as one of those kick-ass soccer moms. I have a feeling she's going to have some tough nut children. Emmett will probably be the one doting on them."

We were discussing a sensitive topic for my taste, but Edward seemed happy about it. Rosalie told Emmett that she wanted children after a year or two in the Ballet; he asked her why she wanted to wait. He called Edward because he wanted to tell someone he'd be a family man in a couple of years. I felt a pang of jealousy. Rosalie had everything: a fun and energetic fiance, a promising career, and the perfect body. I, on the other hand, had nothing but my job. Nothing else was set in stone.

"Do you want to be a 'kick ass soccer mom?" Edward asked jokingly.

I toyed with my wine glass. "I want to be a mom, no matter what kind. Whether it's a dance mom, pageant mom, soccer mom, hockey mom, or any other type of 'mom' there is." I didn't mean to sound so morose. I chuckled to lighten the mood. "Though I doubt it will be happening as soon as Rosalie plans."

"Why do you doubt it?" he asked, with the strangest expression on his face.

I shrugged. "I'm not ready yet," I said simply. "I need to figure out my life first." _And get my period back…_

"What's there to figure out?"

He sounded almost…hurt. "There's…a job, there's marriage, there's a lot of things to be considered." I was beating around a big bush, but I didn't want to bring it up. How brave am I?

"I think you'll figure it out real soon." Edward said confidently.

After we left the restaurant, he took me on a walk in the park.

"When Emmett stepped up to the mic to tell the audience where he was going to school, he walks up and says, 'Hi, I'm Emmett Cullen, and I will be going to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.'" I laughed. That is such an Emmett thing to say.

"Damn, I wish I had his sense of humor. When my teachers asked me where I was going, I just said, 'Julliard'. Their response was, 'Well, might as well pursue something you can pass.'"

Edward gave me a look. "You're making that up. I find it hard to believe that a girl of your talent and intelligence failed your high school courses." But he laughed anyway. It brought me satisfaction to see that I could still make him laugh.

"You'd be surprised," I said.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I rested my head on his shoulder comfortably and he kissed my temple sweetly.

"I love you," he whispered.

I didn't respond right away. Under normal circumstances, my instinct would be to repeat the sentiment. But this moment felt a little different. After a minute of silence, I said, "Edward," his name came out just above a whisper, "This moment, this…time together. It feels right." Putting feelings into words was never an easy thing to do, and this was about as deep as it got. "I really can't imagine spending my life any other way. I love you, too, Edward." My voice, if possible, dropped to an ever softer tone. "So much."

Edward being the romantic he is, said, "You are really it for me, Bella. You have ruined me for every other woman in this world." I laughed, near tears. "Seriously, Bella. I will never love anyone the same way I love you." He held me tighter to him.

"Let's go back," I said. "I have the sudden urge to ravish you silly," I stood and held my hand out to him. He looked at me, and I could see every emotion that I felt; his raw passion, his adoration, his unconditional love. He took my hand, but he didn't begin to walk so quickly. Gently, almost like a caress, he cupped my face in his hands and brought our lips together in what had to be the most heartfelt kiss ever to happen on God's Green Earth. Our lips moved slowly and perfectly in synch with each other.

When we finally pulled apart, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder while I put mine around his waist. We didn't have the patience to walk home, so he hailed a taxi and told the cabbie that if he got us back to the apartment within five minutes there would be a fifty dollar tip. We got back to the apartment in three.

We made out like high school students in the elevator, and when we reached our floor, he swept me into his arms and dexterously managed to open the door without breaking lip-lock or letting me go.

Even as his hands worshipfully touched every part of my body, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious, couldn't help but feel that maybe he wanted something more, couldn't help but think, 'will I ever be enough?' He kept telling me that he loved me, over and over again. But would it be enough when I had such a poor body for pleasing him?

I fell asleep in his arms, perfectly satisfied, but for a moment, I wondered if he felt the same. I'm not pretty, I'm not thin, so I don't understand how he can be so passionate with me.

Unfortunately, I didn't wake up in the same place I fell asleep. The space in the bed next to me was empty. I listened hard, and found Edward's voice-and it scared me.

"I don't know what to do Alice," his voice cracked, and I wondered if it were possible that he was crying. "She's disappearing before my eyes and I have no power to help. I love her so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but at this rate I'll be burying her in a couple of years!"

I stifled a sob. Curling up in a tight ball, I tried to not cry. Edward couldn't know that I was awake. How could I stay here when I was hurting Edward?

"I know," I heard Edward choke. I didn't know what Alice was saying, but I knew that it was about me, and it wasn't good. "But just because it's the only way doesn't mean that I'm all too willing to go through with it."

I glanced at the digital clock that read in blue block numbers "2:48 AM" and realized that I hadn't been asleep for that long, which meant that Edward didn't sleep at all. I didn't listen to anymore of Edward's conversation with Alice. Not only was it eavesdropping, I didn't want to know what they were plotting. I wanted to disappear into the mattress, but for now, I'd have to settle with absent minded sleep.


	22. Chapter 21

The days following felt like a timer on a bomb. I could feel something monumental approaching, but I tried ignoring it. Because of Edward's growing worry and auditing, I began spending more and more time with Jane in my spare time. She brought me to the gym with her on weekends and after my classes during the week. We worked out two to four hours every time we got together. After each workout, we'd go into the locker room and weigh ourselves. She was naturally a lower weight than me due to her height, but I still felt the need to get my number just as low.

One day, we were working out in the pilates studio and I found myself getting dizzy.

"Jane," I said weakly, "I think I need to sit down." She took one look at me and rushed over. She helped lower my body onto the yoga mat, resting my head into her lap as I proceeded to pass out.

When I finally came to, she was running her hand over my forehead and hair gently.

"You're doing so good," she said to me. "This is just a marker of success." Her blue eyes looked at me with genuine adoration. She cared for me. I managed to smile up at her. "I got you some water," she said, handing me a bottle of water. With shaky hands, I took it and drank half the bottle in one go.

"I think I need to go home and rest. I have class tomorrow morning. Will you help me up?" She eased me into a sitting position, slow enough where the head rush wasn't unbearable. After adjusting, she helped stand me up, and together we walked back to the locker room.

Out on the street, she hailed a cab for me. "Here's money for the fare," she gave me a twenty. "Stay strong, Bella. Don't get caught like me." She closed the door and waved as the taxi pulled away.

Sitting down in the taxi made me feel restless. I needed to move. Bouncing my legs and fidgeting with my hands, I hoped that I'd burn some more calories. When the taxi driver pulled up to the apartment, I threw the twenty at him and raced up the stairs. When I walked through the door, I put down my bags and sang, "Hello?"

"In the family room," I heard Edward call. He didn't sound like his normal self.

Cautiously, I walked slowly into the family room, where I saw Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rose, and Edward all sitting on the couches, looking at me.

My body stiffened for a moment. Esme's face looked shocked, heart-broken, then she covered her mouth and looked away. I didn't understand. Why was everyone here? And why were they all looking at me as if I just died? Alice looked like she was holding back tears. Edward's expression nearly broke my heart. His eyes pleaded for understanding, but I couldn't give him that.

"What the hell is this?" I demanded.

Edward took a few steps toward me. I took a step back. He held up his hands for a truce, "Bella," he said, "we just want to talk to you."

"You can talk to me right there," I said, not trusting him at all. We were supposed to go out and have a good time with his siblings tonight. He ruined it. Why did everyone look so upset. "What is going on?"

"What happened to you?" Rose asked with a disbelieving expression. Emmett held her hand tightly, and kept his eyes-looking sad for the first time ever-on me. Everything felt wrong. Rose never gave a rat's ass about me, and now she's feeling all concerned? Well isn't that convenient.

I sent her a confused expression. "What are you talking about? Nothing happened to me. I'm fine. What's wrong with you?" The question was directed at all of them. "Why are you all looking at me as if I just died? I'm right here?" The one laugh sounded dark.

"You look like a skeleton, Bella," Esme choked out. "What happened to you?"

"What the hell is this?" I demanded again, shouting. They all jumped, surprised at my outburst. "Will someone tell me what the hell is going on? Or are you just going to continue sending cryptic comments? I'm sick of trying to decipher your expressions. Just skip the sappy bullshit and tell me what's going on!"

Edward caught my eyes and said, "We want you to get help, Bella." When he tried taking another step towards me, I took another step back towards the door. I was not liking where this conversation was going.

"Help for what? I'm fine," I said with emphatic conviction.

"Bella, you're not eating," Edward said. Before I could protest, he stepped in, "you may eat, but you purge everything. Alice and Rose told me about what you do before class. Carlisle told me that Jane has an eating disorder, and the pieces are coming together, Bella. You need help." His expression gave me an awful feeling that I wouldn't have a choice in this.

So I flipped the table. "I can't believe you guys!" I said, sounding and looking hurt. They look confused. "Isn't it convenient that the moment I step into your lives and you find out that I am already receiving offers from all the major dance companies that you spring this on me. This is low. I would expect this from someone like Lauren or Jessica, but never from you." The tears were coming but they weren't hurt tears, they were scared tears. "I trusted you to be better than them."

"What are you talking about?" Alice asked.

"You are trying to get me kicked out and rejected by the NYB!" I shouted, making everyone jump again. "I cannot _believe _you would stoop this low!"

"Bella, we're not trying to get you kicked out, we're trying to get you help!" Alice said desperately.

I glared at Edward. "And you believed them! When I said I wanted to hear stories, I meant about their drunk escapades, not lies about my personal activities! How can you believe them?"

"Because you showed me what your mother said, and I saw your reaction when you stepped on the scale over three weeks ago." His words fell flat, and he didn't look happy.

He hated me. Officially. My façade finally broke as my revelation finally hit. He hated me. He hated that I lied to him, that I accused his family of lying, that I shouted at them, and that I was still living under his roof. My worst fears suddenly stood right in front of me.

I wanted to fall over and cry, but instead, I just put one hand on my boney hip, one over my mouth in shock, and turned around to walk out. When I heard footsteps walking after me, I started to run.

The door to the emergency staircase flung open as I shoved it and bounced against the wall. My feet floated over the steps as I flew down several flights of stairs wearing my new size double zero skinny jeans and flats. I could vaguely hear Edward's voice calling frantically after me, but the pounding in my ears dulled the sound. My heart beat a million a minute, and panic completely took over my body. Tears rolled down my face and my breath came hard and fast. My gasps mixed in with my sobs and I couldn't tell the difference. The world didn't look right. Everything blurred together, but I focused on solid objects and kept my footing. When I finally reached the bottom, I yanked open the door and sprinted through the lobby. The world tilted a little to the right and I took an unstable step. When I pushed through the rotating doors, I stumbled over to the sidewalk.

The city lights dulled, and then turned blinding. The sounds quieted, then blared. All the car-lights blurred together and the city turned into a big blob of lights, flashes of reds, whites, yellows, and the trees across the street looked as if they were wilting. I looked around me, feeling nothing but terror. What was happening? Suddenly, I struggled to breathe. My lungs felt like someone was squeezing the air out of them and wouldn't let any air back in. I lifted my right foot to take another step, but I felt myself falling in that direction instead. I felt a dull thud on the back of my head.

Fuzzy images came and went. A bright light shone into my eye, voices slurred, faces were undefined, a beeping noise, as well as some rattling, sounded in my ears. Voices shouted commands at one another, but I gave up trying to understand, gave up trying to make Edward love me, and gave up trying to live. None of it made sense. Life didn't make sense. Why is it considered so great when it brings nothing but pain and heartbreak? Disappointment? Failure? What's so good in life to live towards? Just before I achieve something, someone goes and takes it away.

Enough is enough.

EPOV

"Edward, how could she get so small so quickly?" Alice asked quietly, even though Bella wasn't even here. She looked terrified. "She looks smaller than me, and I'm half a foot shorter than she is!"

I raked my hand through my hair, feeling her same frustration and fear. Every day she got smaller. When I looked at one of her most recent jean purchases, they were so tiny, even Alice could barely fit into them. She looked so _happy _all the time, but at the same time, she looked sick. Inconceivably so. Losing weight made her happy, but every time she looked at the scale, the look on her face told me she thought she could do better. It would never be enough.

"Is it really that bad, Edward?" my mother asked.

Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett, and I all nodded our heads solemnly. It was worse than anyone could've imagined. Things had gone too far.

"Alice can barely fit into her jeans, mom, and Bella wears a belt with them." She sat down on the couch opposite of my lone chair, and my father rested a hand on her shoulder.

"She should be here soon. Prepare for the worst." I spoke too soon, and Bella came through the door, looking happy and excited as ever.

"Hello?" She sang out from the foyer. I heard her bags crumple and move around, then her leather-sole shoes clicked against the hardwood floors.

"In the family room," I called back. I looked around at the rest of my family, and they all looked scared, worried, and tense. We all knew this would not go well, but we would try for the best. She froze when she walked into the family room and saw all of us sitting together. The big smile she wore on her face faded, as well as the color from her cheeks. Her face paled at the sight of us.

After several moments of silence, she demanded, "What the hell is this?" her clipped tone surprised us. I'm fairly certain I was the only one who caught the flash of fear in her eyes. Her entire body stiffened, ready to defend itself, bracing for impact. Cautiously, I stood up and walked slowly toward her. After I took a few steps forward, she took one step back. My heart panged, and I didn't realize until that moment just how much it would hurt to have her walk away from me.

"Bella," I said defensively, "we just want to talk to you." She prepared herself for another step back, but didn't take it.

"You can talk to me right there," her fierce tone wavered only the slightest, but I caught it.

"What is going on?" Her eyes shifted from me to everyone, and I knew she knew what was going on. Her eyes scanned everyone, reading their expressions and behaviors like a book, analyzing everything.

"Bella," Rosalie said with disbelief with an incredulous expression, "What happened to you?" This would definitely not go well, not when everyone felt the need to put something in the pot.

My theory proved correct when Bella looked astonished at Rosalie's comment; even a little angry. "What are you talking about? Nothing happened to me. I'm fine. What's wrong with you?" The question was directed at all of us. "Why are you all looking at me as if I just died? I'm right here?" Esme looked as if she'd just seen a ghost. Her expression looked almost wan.

"You look like a skeleton, Bella," Esme choked out. "What happened to you?"

"What the hell is this? A fucking intervention?" She shouted. Her violent tone surprised all of us. Alice even jumped. I stood there, completely awestruck at what Bella had turned into with a snap of a finger. "Will someone tell me what the hell is going on? Or are you just going to continue sending cryptic comments? I'm sick of trying to decipher your expressions. Just skip the sappy bullshit and tell me what's going on!" Despite her defiant eyes, she was petrified. Her body looked as stiff as stone.

"Bella," I cleared my throat of the lump that prevented me from speaking. "We just want to help you."

"Help for what? I'm fine," by the look on her fear-struck visage, I could tell she'd truly convinced herself that everything was fine.

"Bella, you're not eating," I said flatly. She opened her mouth to protest, but I stepped in.

"You may eat, but you purge everything," even saying it out loud was difficult. "Alice and Rose told me about what you do before class. Carlisle told me that Jane has an eating disorder, and the pieces are coming together, Bella. You need help." I tried to sound forceful and convicting, but desperation seeped into every word.

Panic flashed in her eyes like a bullet-train and I prepared myself for the collision. "I can't believe you guys!" She shouted at Alice and Rosalie, sounding a little hurt and scared. They both looked utterly confused. "Isn't it convenient that the moment I step into your lives and you find out that I am already receiving offers from all the major dance companies that you spring this on me. This is low. I would expect this from someone like Lauren or Jessica, but never from you." Rose and Alice looked shocked at her accusations. We all knew she was trying to redirect attention, but we couldn't let her turn the tables. "I trusted you to be better than them."

"What are you talking about?" Alice asked.

"You are trying to get me kicked out and rejected by the NYB!" She shrieked. We all jumped. No one had ever heard Bella shout with such anger and fear. "I cannot _believe _you would stoop this low!"

"Bella, we're not trying to get you kicked out, we're trying to get you help!" Alice said desperately. Alice tried getting the truth across, but Bella's mind shut itself out from the outside world. The only thoughts she was hearing were her own.

She turned and glared at me, which hurt more than I care to admit. "And you believed them! When I said I wanted to hear stories, I meant about their drunk escapades, not lies about my personal activities! How can you believe them?" she tried with her eyes to convince me they were lying, but I knew they weren't I'd seen and heard enough. The breaking point was near.

"Because you showed me what your mother said, and I saw your reaction when you stepped on the scale over three weeks ago." My words fell unnecessarily flat on my tongue, and I could tell they actually hurt her.

I couldn't tell what things were running through her mind, but I knew it was nothing good. She stared into space and covered her mouth with a hand, resting the other on her visible hip. Tears fell freely from her eyes, and I'd never felt so crushed. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, she turned and started to walk away.

I barely heard Carlisle say, "Don't let her go Edward. She won't last walking around for a half hour," before I shot off after her. Unfortunately, she heard my first quickened step and took off like a bullet.

By the time I made it out the door, she flung open the entrance to the staircase and it made a resounding, "THUD!" against the wall behind it. I quickly followed suit. By the time I entered the stairwell, she was already down two flights of stairs. Her feet moved so fast I couldn't believe they even touched the floor.

She looked like the living dead, yet she could move faster than an Olympic runner. "Shit," I swore, not believing the sight. I chased her down every flight of stairs, hearing her strangled breaths and twisted sobs all the way down. Her heart was already working too hard trying to keep her body working, and flying down several flights of stairs would probably induce cardiac arrest. Fear moved my feet faster, and I began to catch up with her.

"Bella! Stop!" I shouted, but she didn't even flinch at my voice. She couldn't hear me. Her body was already shutting down. I saw her reach the bottom and pull the door open into the lobby. I leapt over the railing and dropped the last flight-ignoring the shock of pain that shot up from my feet through my legs- flying after her. The doorman stared, but I just kept moving. When I moved past the doors, I found her at the curb, looking more afraid than she had at the apartment. Her chest moved up and down too quickly.

"Bella!" I called, but she still couldn't hear me. Just as I began to walk towards her, her head started whipping from side to side, looking frantically for something, only her eyes looked so glazed over, as if she was seeing another dimension. When she took one more step, I wasn't close enough to stop her fall.

Seeing Bella crumple to the ground like a disintegrating plant nearly killed me. She looked like a lifeless heap of designer clothes piled on the sidewalk. She took up no shape. The clothes looked thicker than she did.

The moment she hit the ground, I dropped to her side. My heart beat so fast in my chest, I thought it was _me _going into cardiac arrest. I felt for her pulse, elated to feel it still there, but distressed to feel it so weak. I whipped out my cell phone and punched in 911.

"This is dispatch, what's your emergency?" The calm woman on the other line said.

_How can she be so calm when Bella is on the verge of dying? _An irrational thought, but I couldn't help but want to shout it back to her.

"My girlfriend just collapsed on the sidewalk. Her heartbeat's really faint and she's not breathing normally," I spoke quickly and sharply, focusing on feeling Bella's breath leave her mouth and nose. _Stay with me._

"What's your location?"

"933 Fifth Avenue between 78th and 79th Street," I gasped. I didn't realize how out of breath I was.

"An ambulance is on it's way."

"Thank you."

"Oh, God, Bella!" I heard Alice shriek from behind me.

Carlisle came up and kneeled down with me. "What happened?" He demanded.

The words fell from my tongue in a rush. "Her entire body was shaking, then she started looking around frantically for something that wasn't there. When she tried taking a step, she just," I gestured breathlessly to her limp form.

Carlisle felt for her pulse and her breath. "If an ambulance doesn't get here in two minutes, she will go into cardiac arrest. Her heart is already working hard enough as it is."

When I glanced behind me, Emmett had Rose and Esme in his big arms while Jasper clung tightly to a hysterical Alice. Then I looked back at Bella. She really had no idea how much we really loved her. When she attacked Alice and Rose back in the apartment, she did it because she was pushing us away. I could tell by the hurt and torn expression on her face that she thought we didn't love her. Her mind had become so warped and twisted by her new image of perfection that she didn't realize she was already perfect.

Perfect for me.

Watching as the paramedics loaded her onto the stretcher and into the back of the ambulance, I could feel my heart breaking in half. I could feel my world being rolled away on the stretcher. My choice had been immediate. I couldn't leave Bella.

In the ambulance, the EMT asked, "How long has she been out?" He was probably in his late twenties, early thirties, and looked like he should be out celebrating on a Friday night. Instead, he's doing everything he can to save my Bella.

"Five, ten seconds before I called dispatch," I said, clinging to Bella's free hand for my own life and for hers. When he took off her jacket and unbuttoned her blouse, a look of utter shock flashed across his face before he began to work quicker. I could've sworn I heard a, "Jesus Christ," slip from his lips. _I know._

Her breast bones jutted out almost as much as her very prominent collar bones, I could see the bones in her hand, so I didn't squeeze too hard for fear of crushing them. Her eyes fluttered open, but they weren't seeing anything. In her other hand was an IV.

"What's her name?" the EMT demanded.

"Bella," I choked.

"Bella," he said loudly, trying to capture her line of sight and failing. Her eyes closed again, and the EMT swore under her breath. After he managed to find a vein, he took a sample of her blood. If she were conscious for it, she would've passed out anyway. He handed the sample to another EMT and he just continued to check the monitors. It didn't take a genius to see her heartbeat slowing down.

I'd never seen a gurney come out of an ambulance so fast before seeing these three EMT's roll Bella out. They ran into the emergency room, shouting out statistics, diagnosis, and treatments. Nurses took over and another doctor came up to me.

"What's her name?" He asked calmly.

"Bella Swan," I said, staring after her as the nurses rolled her into another room.

"Okay, what's your name?"

"Edward Cullen." He recognized my father's last name.

"Is your father coming?" he wondered.

"Yes. Now could you go treat my girlfriend, please?" I sounded harsh, but he really shouldn't be socializing to get on good terms with my father when he should be trying to help Bella. He nodded before briskly walking towards her room.

While I sat in the waiting room, I waited and waited for news to come. The only thing that did come was my family. They weren't much for consoling, since they needed consoling themselves. I sat off away from them, feeling calmer without Rose and Alice's hysterics.

I cradled my face in my hands, trying to hide the tears that coursed down my face.


	23. Chapter 22

The darkness felt comforting. I couldn't see myself, I couldn't see anyone to compare myself to, and I couldn't see food. This must be heaven. No food, no scale, no expectations. For the first time in several months, I felt at peace with myself.

Unfortunately, bliss didn't stay. Slowly, I felt my dark world slipping through my fingers. Gradually, my hearing returned, and the vexatious beeping noise resounded in my ear. I fought to keep my eyes closed, my ears closed, and my mind closed to anything that could take away my dark world of pure bliss. People may say bliss is ignorance, but I'd rather live in bliss and be ignorant than go back to a world where I was wrong for everything.

I felt unworthy of the world. My mother disregarded me as a daughter, Alice and Rose are getting me kicked out of school and the NYB, and Edward hated me. Esme and Carlisle are probably disgusted with my speech back at the apartment. If they never wanted to see me again, I wouldn't be surprised. Jasper and Emmett will never talk to me again for screaming at Rose and Alice like I did. For the first time ever, I truly had nothing.

I have nothing.

My eyes cracked open as well as the flood gates. Tears blurred my vision, but I could tell from the sunlight it was early morning. I stared out the window, wondering why another day had to start. Why couldn't I have just died on the sidewalk?

My hearing became more acute, and my senses returned to me. I felt someone grab my hand and say my name. My head whipped around and I felt my heart stop. On the monitor, I heard it skip a beat.

Edward leered over me, looking like absolute hell. His eyes looked puffy around the rims, indicating he'd been crying, another fact that tore me to pieces. The bags under his eyes indicated his lack of sleep. Out of all the people who had to be here, it had to be the one that hated me most.

He smiled at me. I know it's wrong to say, but his smile lit up my whole world. He breathed out in relief and smiled wider. "I can't tell you how happy I am to see your eyes again," he whispered, cupping the side of my face.

"Why are you here?" I asked weakly. His look of confusion told me he didn't quite understand the question. "After everything I said to you and your family, how can you be here smiling at me like your happy that I'm even alive." _I'm not even happy I'm alive. _

His smile softened and he pulled up the chair he must've been sitting on in the corner of the room. He gently took my hand, which had a needle in it. I groaned and stared at it, feeling my face pale. He mercifully covered it up with his other hand.

"Bella, no matter what you convince yourself, no matter what anyone else says," he paused to make sure I was listening. I gave him my undivided attention. "I will always love you. Even if you convince yourself otherwise, I can't tell you enough how much I love you." His eyes expressed such conviction, but I couldn't bring myself to believe his words. After everything I did and said, he couldn't love me. No sane person ever could. I didn't realize I'd looked away until he brought my eyes back to his attention. "Don't you dare Bella," he said gravely, not smiling anymore. "Don't you dare tell yourself that I don't love you. You don't get to decide that. It's not in your control."

"Yeah, well it's nice to have control over something," I snapped, instantly feeling guilty. Forcing myself to use a calmer tone, I said, "Everything is slipping from me." To be brutally honest, I sounded quite pitiful. "My scholarship is going to go down the tubes, my career is going to be trashed, my family walked away from me, and now I'm losing everything." My breath hitched as I fought tears. I tried to focus on the ugly square tiles on the ceiling to stop from crying. "God, those are awful to look at."

"Then would you look at me please?" Edward asked, sounding tired. My gaze remained glued to the ceiling. "Bella, would you please tell me what was running through your head when you ran last night?" he asked softly.

That's a good question. I thought back on those first few moments of revelation. "You hated me," I said with no infliction. "I couldn't stay and let myself hope that, if this all ended, you would still love me. It hit me like a slap in the face," I chuckled, a few tears escaping. I mentally smacked myself for it. "At that moment, I realized I'd just lost everything I'd ever worked for. Everything I ever cared about disappeared. I felt that I was a burden on you and your family, that, maybe, it would be best if I just removed myself from your lives altogether. Just like it was best for me to remove myself from Renee and Charlie's lives. If I stayed, I could never live with myself knowing how much pain I caused you. At that moment, I really didn't give a shit whether I lived or died."

Edward put his forehead on the edge of my bed and inhaled a shaky breath. He shook it back and forth a few times before saying with a quivering voice, "Bella," he tried to regulate his breathing and failed. "Why did you do all of this to yourself?" On top of his confusion, he looked horrified. "Why do you continually tear yourself down when you are so perfect, _so _perfect," he emphasized. "After all the times I've told you how beautiful you are, after all the times I've told you I love you, how could you convince yourself that you were so flawed?" I could see the frustration beginning to vent.

Well, it can be relieved. I snapped. "Because I wanted to be worth something!" I cried. "Because I didn't want you to have to walk around with a girl who looks like a triangle from the thighs up while two other tiny little dancers are around you! Because you deserve more than that! Because you deserve a hell of a lot more than I can give you! Because my own mother disregards me as a daughter for my weight," a maniacal chuckle burst from my lips. "My own father chose his ex-wife over his fat ass daughter. I want to stop feeling so rejected. Like I'm worthless if I don't look perfect." A sob bubbled from my lips and I curled up in my hospital bed. "I don't want to feel like this anymore." I would be very surprised if he understood a word I said. My sobs covered up any coherency. I covered up my face in my hands, not wanting to see Edward's expression.

I felt his weight settle on the bed next to me. His hands gently pried my hands away from my face. A few tears fell down his cheeks, but nothing like my waterworks. He cupped my face in his hands and carefully leaned forward to press his lips to mine.

My sobs may have quieted, but my tears kept falling. His gesture, so powerful and filled with so much love, overwhelmed me. I didn't deserve his tenderness or his love, but he gave it to me willingly anyway. When he pulled away, it was only to rest his forehead against mine

"I don't want to feel this way anymore," I breathed out tearfully. "I don't want to feel like this anymore." It was the most sickening feeling in the world. All that weight lost, and I still wasn't good enough.

"You don't have to anymore," he whispered back, holding me close. "You don't have to feel this way anymore, Bella. I promise."

He let me cry for a long time. He didn't interrupt me, he didn't tell me to calm down or be rational. He held me close, all the while whispering, "I love you." I'm sure he did that to imprint the idea in my mind.

After I managed to calm myself down, I felt brave enough to ask, "So what happened? The last thing I remember is stairs."

He looked surprised. "You lost your memory in the stairwell?" He forewent the comment. "You were in a frantic daze. You looked around for something that wasn't even there. When you tried taking another step, you just collapsed." His voice broke at the memory. "Your heart beat was so faint. When we finally got you to the hospital, they said you had a severe hypoglycemia attack and hypokalemia. The hypokalemia nearly sent you into cardiac arrest." His expression looked solemn.

"Could you dumb it down for a girl with a foggy brain?" I asked.

He chuckled and complied. "Dangerously low blood sugar and potassium levels. The low blood sugar from not eating enough and the low potassium from purging what you ate." He took my hands. "They said your body can't take another one of these episodes. If this happens again, you will die." He was pleading me with his eyes.

"I can't just leave school," I said, a little panicked. "If they find out about this then they'll strip me of my scholarship and--"

"They already know."

His words made no sense. I stared at him as if he just spoke Gibberish.

"What?" I squeaked.

He sighed and said once more, "They already know."

I leaned back and stared at the ceiling. No matter how much I wanted them to, the tears never came. My eyes felt sore and puffy, my brain felt like mush, and now my life dissolved into shit. My life. Over.

"What did they say?" I managed.

"They aren't taking away your scholarship," he said calmly. I breathed a sigh of relief until he said, "But they said the only way you get to keep it is if you get checked into a rehab facility."

My head whipped around. "What?" There's the tears!

He took my face in his hands and looked me straight in the eye. "Believe me, Bella, when I say this is the only option left." His eyes begged me to understand. "Bella, you can't continue like this. I can't watch you kill yourself like this anymore. This is it, Bella. If you want it all, you can have it all. All you have to do is say yes."

"I can't go there, Edward!" I cried. "They are going to make me overweight, out of shape, and then I won't be able to find a job anywhere."

He shook his head. "Trainers and dietitians will be there to make sure that doesn't happen. I want to see you succeed more than anybody, and I'm trying to make that happen. But you've got to meet me halfway, Bella. You've got to get better."

I shook my head sadly. "I'm so scared of what that means."

He looked confused and asked, "What _what _means?"

"Getting better." I sounded pathetic.

"It means getting healthy and strong again, being able to think for yourself instead of letting this control you, it means that you can come back home." Surprisingly, he looked hopeful for the last. He wanted me to come home.

"You want me back?" I asked, trying to keep hope from seeping into my voice.

He nodded with a smile. "Yes, I want you to come home with me and stay there. No more trips to the hospital, no more clinics. I love you more than anything, and I'm not letting you go so easily."

I felt happy. For a while, I forgot what true happiness felt like.

"Knock knock," a middle-aged man in a lab coat walked into my room. He walked over to my bed and pulled up a chair. "My name is Dr. Spencer, I'm the psych evaluator."

His slicked back hair and very toned muscles reminded me of Carlisle. Thinking of him again made me feel guilty. I pushed the thought aside for the moment. "And what are you doing here?" I asked.

He smiled sympathetically. "I am here to diagnose your eating disorder."

I wanted to die. Shit. Everything became real when he said it out loud. Before, it was just habits. Admitting it out loud made it into a real problem; a real disease. Now everyone is going to know. He's going to make cryptic comments, making me feel guilty about what I've done. I covered my face and groaned in protest. "I don't need a fucking psych evaluation. I need to go home." I sounded rude, but at the moment, I didn't care.

He chuckled. "Well, until we get you to a stable weight, you're not going anywhere. You've been in a hypoglycemic coma for the past twenty-four hours. I don't think you're going anywhere." Before I could return the snide comment, he asked, "Do you want Edward to leave the room?"

"A, no, and B, how do you know him?" I gestured between them, not understanding the connection.

"I work with his father," he said simply. "Alright then, I just have some questions to ask you. If you feel uncomfortable, then you don't have to answer, but if possible, I'd like a little response to all my questions. Are you feeling alright?" He asked for assurance.

"I'm fine. Can we just get on with the inquisition?"

He didn't hesitate to begin. He asked me how I felt myself, my body, other people, my relationship with Edward and his family. Then he started asking questions I didn't know how to answer. Things such as restriction, compulsive exercise, purging, laxative and diuretic abuse, negative body images. I gave him cryptic answers: "How do you think I ended up here?" "What else could cause hypoglycemia and hypokalemic alkolosis?" He seemed to catch on. Unfortunately, Edward didn't show any infliction towards my answers, so I had no idea what he thought of them.

After he got the Spanish Inquisition out of his system, I felt exhausted. Dr. Spencer took Edward outside my room and began speaking with him, faces close together, expressions revealing deep thought. Their lips hardly moved, so I didn't bother trying to read them. I don't think I wanted to anyway. Instead, I stared out the window, where the February snow fell steadily in piles on the windowsills.

When Edward came back in, he didn't look disappointed or upset, he just looked very worried. But at the same time, he looked at me as if he couldn't love me more. It felt comforting. He sat down on my left side, obscuring my view of the window, and took my hand. Leaning forward onto the bed, he brushed hair out of my face and ran his fingertips across the skin.

"Is my love ever going to be enough for you?" He asked. "Do you really have to prove you're perfect to everyone, or is having me convinced enough?" His question sounded fair enough, but I felt I should've been asking those questions.

"I'm not trying to prove I'm perfect to everyone," I argued. "I'm just trying to be someone who deserves you. Someone who can look like they belong standing next to you. If that requires being a size double zero, so be it." I shrugged, but Edward just gazed at me, his expression contemplative.

"Where did you get the idea that you weren't perfect for me? You had me convinced the first time we met. What changed?" his calm, honest questions took me by surprise, but they all seemed reasonable and answerable.

But this one I couldn't answer. "I don't know," I whispered weakly. "I don't know why I thought that I wasn't good enough. After all the stress of the first semester and constantly shielding myself from my mother's criticisms, this is what it boiled down to. For some reason, after my dad backed out, I felt like I would lose you, too. The world was walking out on me again, Edward."

"And where am I sitting, Bella?" he asked with a small smile.

A smile twitched at the corners of my lips. "Here."

"It's not going to change. No matter how much you think it's going to, it's not. When I say 'I love you' I mean it. I'm not leaving you. I'm not going to walk out like Renee or Charlie. I'm going to love you, care for you, and support you all that I can."

"Why are you with me, Edward?" I asked. "I have nothing to give you. When I met you, all I had was my scholarship, dance, and a summer job. Then you just waltz into my life and give me something I never thought I deserved, gave me so many opportunities to shine, and then I just toss it. And yet, you're still here."

He sighed, defeated. "I love you for so many reasons, I don't even know where to begin." He raked his hand through his hair and thought hard. "You are passionate, you have the drive and determination of a champion, strong, independent, confident, persistent," he paused. "But besides that, you love me unconditionally," by the look on his face, this was the real reason. He continued, "No matter how many times I fuck up or say the wrong thing, you always forgive me. You completely forego the amount of money I have--in fact, sometimes you don't even like it--and you love my family, despite how eccentric they are. And they love you," he gave me a meaningful look. "They've been worried about you," he noted.

His family shouldn't be worried about me. If they were smart, they'd want to get rid of me. After all the things I accused them of, all the nasty things I said, they probably never want to see me again. I can never look them in the eyes anymore, not without remembering everything I said.

"They shouldn't. I don't deserve it."

"Bella, they don't hate you for what you said. You weren't in your right mind, and until we get you into treatment, I don't think you will."

"What am I being treated for?" I asked, covering my face with the sheets.

I heard him lean back in his chair. "Anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Dr. Spencer and I discussed the possible options and he thought it'd be best to do an inpatient program for a little while."

I didn't like the sounds of that, and to be honest, neither did Edward. "How long is a 'little while?'" I asked.

Edward sighed. "He wants to give it two weeks, but I said the most you could bear would be one. It's up to you, but I know being surrounded by people you don't know causes you anxiety, and I don't want to make it worse."

He was right. I would hate being locked up in some place, wake up to take vitals and weights, eat meals with other people who don't want to be there, and sit around comparing weights and calories with the other inpatients. It sounds like a nightmare. But the thing is, would it make me better? Do I want to get better?

"As long as I get to see you everyday, I don't care what I do."

As long as I had Edward, everything would be okay. As long as he smiled at me everyday and told me he loved me, I would be okay. His presence gave me a boost of confidence and strength, without it, I think I would go clinically insane.

"I'll talk with Dr. Spencer again. In the mean time, why don't you get some more sleep?" He took the sheets from my face and tucked them under my chin, smiling softly at me. "I love you." He leaned down to press a kiss to my forehead.

"I love you, too."

He left and I closed my eyes, pretending that none of this was real.

"So, I'm busting out today?" I asked the nurse.

"Yes, to the inpatient center." She sounded about excited as I felt.

After two days of getting stabilized with IV's and carefully monitored high calorie meals, they finally deemed me worthy to be put into inpatient care. Edward came to visit me after classes, and now was organizing my release. He made reservations for two weeks with the promise he'd come every day and visit.

He walked in with a duffel bag. "Your one request."

"My clothes!" I exclaimed, taking the bag from his hands. I looked up at him. "Thank you! It will be nice to wear something that covers my ass." He chuckled.

"You're all set to go if you just want to get changed. We'll stop and get some clothes, get you settled, and take things from there." He gave me his hand and I took it, lifting me off the bed and keeping me stable on my feet. Dizziness, unfortunately, wouldn't go away until I gained over twenty pounds.

After I got changed, I looked at myself in the mirror. The sweatshirt covered what I lacked, but my jeans emphasized my saddle-bags, muffin-toppers, and bubble-butt. I'd never point that out to Edward, though. He'd get so pissed.

When I exited, Edward wrapped an arm around my waist and escorted me to a waiting taxi. Things were quiet for a long time. The ride back to the apartment was spent enjoying each other's presence. After being in the hospital for two days, it felt nice not to be in such a free environment.

In the apartment, Edward helped me pack a big suitcase.

"Whose are these?" he asked, holding up Alice's jeans that I'd been holding for a goal.

"They might be mine. Let me try them on." I took them out of his hand and quickly changed into them. They buttoned way to easily, and hung loosely on my hips, not really touching my thighs or butt. The idea of Alice's jeans being loose on me was terrifying. I looked into the floor-length mirror, and I couldn't understand how they could be loose on someone as fat as me.

I quickly pulled them off. They made me feel confused. My brain kept trying to tell me something, but I felt like my mind was in a fog.

Edward picked up the jeans and looked at the label. His shocked expression only lasted a moment until I caught it. He quickly tossed them into the far end of the closet.

My heart did a strange pitter-patter. Not the kind that Edward's presence usually gave me; a rather painful one. I clutched my chest in response and gasped. The shocking pain shot through my body like a bullet and ricocheted off the bottoms of my feet.

"Is something wrong?" Edward asked,

"Nothing," I lied.

"No," he argued, looking into my face. "Something's wrong. What is it?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm fine. I swear." I repeated the mantra in my head. Nothing was wrong with me.

"Does your chest hurt?" He asked again.

"Nothing's wro--"

"Does your chest hurt?" He demanded.

"Yes," I squeaked. "Can I just lie down for a minute?" Instead of scolding me like I half-expected him to, he gently lifted me into his arms and let me rest in bed for a few minutes. He sat on the edge of the bed, running his hand through my hair.

"Can I get you anything?" he asked.

I shook my head, keeping my eyes shut. My body felt random twinges of pain. A whimper escaped my lips. "My body aches."

"I know," he said softly, caressing my cheek and rubbing my arm. "Just think, in a few weeks, you'll have all your energy and strength back. And then you can come back home." He got up from the bed, but I didn't feel like moving. I didn't feel like living.

I heard him packing up my things in the closet and felt bad that he was doing something I was responsible for, but I couldn't get myself to move. It hurt too much.

I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until I felt Edward shaking me awake. "Bella, c'mon. My dad's going to be here soon to pick us up, and we still need to pack your pillows, sheets, comforter, and some things to keep you occupied." Ugh. I didn't want to get up.

I clung to my pillow and tried to keep from crying. "I don't want to go," I said, my voice breaking. "Pennsylvania is so far away."

He sighed. "It's the only reliable inpatient center close to New York. I promise I'll visit you every weekend." I didn't budge. "Bella, you said you'd go." I started crying. Not just because I'd be going to gain weight and be fat, but because I wouldn't have Edward with me every night, holding me, whispering that he loved me more than anything, and that I was his vision of perfection. No more comfort.

"I changed my mind. I just want to stay here. Please don't make me leave," I begged, flipping over to face him. "Please don't leave me."

His torn expression and tortured eyes made me feel like I could win this argument, but he didn't budge. "Bella, I'm not leaving you. I'll see you every day that I don't have class, call you every day. And when you get better, you can come home and stay. Alright?"

I managed to pull myself together enough to get out of bed. I felt feeble and unbalanced, like I could fall over at any second and just lie on the floor forever and not care. It sounded really appealing. Edward had to guide and pull me outside of the apartment, because my mind was so unfocused, I didn't know where I was stepping.

When I asked my doctor why I couldn't focus on anything, he said that because of my low weight, my brain was working so hard just to keep the body functioning. I asked him how I could keep up my wit when I felt like I was high on drugs, and that he should give me a shot of adrenaline to get me up and going.

I held onto Edward for my life. He kept me standing straight, made me feel a little self-worth, and like I could pull out of this funk. Edward found a spare bed set and I helped pack by sitting on the suitcase while he zipped it. A knock on the door sent Edward heading for the foyer. Shamefully, I followed.

Carlisle stood outside the door, and Edward invited him in. When he caught sight of me, he smiled forgivingly and kindly.

"How are you feeling Bella?"

"Awful," I said, crossing my arms over my chest, feeling guilty. "I'm so sorry for how I reacted," it came out before I could think. "It was completely uncalled for and unforgivable. I know that none of you would do anything to hurt me, and I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be blamed, and I certainly don't deserve your financial support for recovery." I felt the tears coming again. "I'm sorry for everything, Carlisle."

He did what I didn't expect. He walked over to me and gingerly wrapped his arms around my shoulders, tucking my head under his chin, much like Edward did when I needed comfort.

"I don't need any apologies, Bella. No one does. You're family to us, and family helps each other. Our only concern is getting you happy and healthy again." I started crying into Carlisle's expensive Ralph Lauren sweater and felt guilty all over again, but at least I felt acceptance. He rubbed my back and rocked me back and forth, whispering soothing words.

He was the father I never had. The father I'd always wanted.

He pulled away a few moments later, turning to Edward. "Your mother is waiting in the car, so we should probably get going." My face paled. Carlisle noticed my change in expression. "She feels the same way as I do, Bella. Don't feel so bad." A little pat on my shoulder and he went to help Edward with my bags.

On my way out, I took one last glance back into the apartment, my home. I turned off the lights and shut the door behind me.

The black SUV waited for us on the street. Esme stepped out of the car and smiled at me, pulling me into an embrace.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into her voluminous hair. No one ever saw mine anymore. It remained pulled back.

"Don't be," she whispered back.

Edward sat in the back with me. Carlisle pulled out into the street and headed for the highway.

"You might as well sit back and make yourselves comfortable. It's going to be a long drive." I settled into Edward's embrace and tried to relax, but my body remained stiff and uncomfortable at the idea of leaving the city.

"I'm freezing," I said, an hour into the ride with my teeth chattering. My fingernail beds were completely blue (the hospital took off the polish) and I shook all over.

Edward and his parents looked fine, but I felt like I was in the arctic. He quickly reached into the back and pulled out a blanket, wrapping it firmly around me. "Hey, could you turn up the heat back here? Bella's turning blue," he said to Carlisle. He complied. A few minutes later I was warm, and Edward still looked comfortable.

The city faded away and the country took over the scenery.

"You know," I said quietly so only Edward would hear. "You'd think that I'd learned my lesson by now. That I'd figure out that, after all these hospitalizations, I'd realize that I shouldn't be doing this to myself. But I really haven't learned anything. It sounds pathetic but it's true." He rubbed my arm to get some friction going. My fingernails were still blue.

"You can't help it," he said soothingly. I'd miss his voice when he left for New York. "Don't even worry about it. All that matters is that you're getting help. And that you will get better."

I fell asleep, not having any energy to stay awake.

An overwhelming sense of dread woke me from a deep sleep. When I saw that we were off the highway, panic rose in my throat. My head whipped around, looking out the windows for any sign of the prison.

Edward took my hand and forced me to look at him. "Hey," he said, getting my flighty attention, "are you okay?"

"Where are we?" I asked Carlisle.

"About twenty minutes from Renfrew."

'Renfrew', referring to the eating disorder clinic name. It sounded morbid.

I held onto Edward as we pulled up a friendly looking facility, but I knew better. The snow fell steadily, and the trees, which would've been flush with leaves in the spring, looked barren with piles of snow on them. The parking lot only had a few cars in them, and the grounds were deserted, but I imagined there would be more people inside.

When the car stopped, I didn't move. Edward helped me out of the car, but Esme held me close while Edward and Carlisle got my bags. I held my jacket close to my body as Esme guided me inside.

A blast of warm air welcomed me into the building. A registering desk to my right, waiting room and a few doors on my left, and a long set of hallways straight ahead. I suddenly felt trapped.

"Hello," a sickeningly sweet voice said from the registering counter. Esme walked over while I just looked around.

The walls were all white, with the occasional framed inspirational quote or picture. The chairs in the waiting-type room looked similar to the ones I'd find in a hospital.

"Bella?" Esme called gently. I walked over to the counter. The heavy-set woman smiled at me with perfect white teeth.

"Hi there, sweetheart," she said with a northern twang. "Here's your room key, and someone will be here soon to show you around the facility."

"Thank you," I mumbled, accepting the key. The key felt heavy in my hand, like it bore more than just the basic brass alloy. I sat in one of the chairs, feeling like it was too big for me. I felt the receptionist's gaze on me, but I didn't want to look up at her. I could imagine the looks of pity, wonder, disbelief, sadness, and I didn't want to catch any of it. So I kept my gaze down on the funny-looking key, turning it over in my hand many times before a voice called my attention.

"Are you Bella?"

An older woman, probably late forties or early fifties, held out her hand. Her hair was Texas blonde, big at the roots, a blinding smile, double chin, panzy blue eyes, and the Kirstie Allen tummy. I felt sick. "Hi, my name is Linda, I'm the director of staff here at Renfrew."

Tentatively, I reached out my hand. "Bella. Nice to meet you."

"How would you like me to show you around?" Her smile was too bright.

She showed me the dining room first (ugh, ironic), explaining that no long sleeves or bags were allowed, two glasses of milk or water must be drunk at each meal, hair must be pulled back, and nothing could be taken in or out of the dining room. The next room introduced was the group therapy room where they held, 'Community'. It was a big, white room with cheap couches. The smoke porch (ew) followed suit, as well as the craft room, private therapy, dietician's office, the nurses station, where my vitals would be taken every morning at six o' clock, and finally my room.

The door was already open, and I saw that Esme, Carlisle, and Edward were helping put away my things while other members of the staff looked through my bags.

Linda caught my gaze. "It's just standard procedure to make sure you don't bring in anything that could harm you or other patients such as laxatives, razors, anxiety meds, etcetera." I nodded meekly.

Esme and Carlisle kissed and hugged me bye, but Edward stayed for a few moments longer.

"Please don't leave me here," I whispered tightly, gazing into his eyes desperately.

He looked conflicted. "Bella, I just want you to get better. I want you home more than anyone, believe me," he gripped my hands tighter, staring me down to get his message across. His dark green eyes forced me to understand, even though I didn't want to. "The reason I'm doing this is because I love you. If there were any other way, I'd do it. But you need a stable enviornment, and they offer that here."

"Yeah, well they also offer imprisonment with a rule against fun. And a billion other things. Did you know I have to tell the staff every time I shit?" My voice squeaked. Edward chuckled, but I wanted to cry. "And how am I going to fall asleep without you? I haven't done it in over five months! I don't want to stay here." Tears started falling, and Edward tenderly pulled me to his chest, resting his chin on top of my head and gently rocking me back and forth.

"I know," he whispered. "Just two weeks, Bella. Work hard, try hard, and then come home. I swear to you that I will call every night, visit Friday through Sunday, and turn myself into a monk for the time being." I laughed, but it sounded off.

"Please don't go," I begged.

"I have to," he whispered back.

When he pulled back, he gazed at me with immeasurable love and care. His hands softly cupped my cheeks and pulled my face to his. He definitely held back, but I think if he didn't, he would've have been able to leave.

"I love you," his whispered roughly.

"I love you, too."

"Take care." He kissed me one last time before turning away, looking back several times before he got into the car with Carlisle and Esme. I watched the car pull away, and with it my heart.

The pain was too great, and it wasn't because of my hunger, or from my purging. This was heartbreak. I squatted close to the floor, covered my face, and sobbed. My entire body shook with violent heaves for breath. I wanted to die right there on the floor.

"It's going to be alright," I felt a hand gently rub my back, but I didn't want consoling. I wanted Edward.

"No it's not," I managed between sobs.

The soft, masculine voice said, "We don't allow that kind of negativity here."

"Well you don't allow anything!" I shot back, standing up quickly. Shooting the quite attractive man a satanic glare, I said, "You won't allow me to do anything but eat and get fat."

"Our goal isn't to make you fat, it's to make you healthy." He stuck out his hand. "My name is Dr. Volturi, I'm your therapist."

He was older, probably around Carlisle's age, but he looked more refined, more Italian. His olive colored skin glowed, but his eyes were rimmed with an amber-like color, making his features seem darker and less trust worthy. Somehow, I don't think I'd be very accepting of him as a therapist.

"You don't look like one, and you certainly aren't acting like one," I spat, ignoring his hand and walking back down the hallway to my room, where I planned to spend the rest of my time locked up in prison in solitude.

Well, day one was off to a crummy (ha) start. I sat in my room, staring at the white walls. The small window seat opened up into a courtyard, covered with fresh white snow, slowly building up as it continually fell from the graying sky. The sky looked just as depressed as me. I played with the hem of Edward's "Juiliard School of Music" sweatshirt that he let me keep. Tears welled in my eyes, and I burried my face in the gray fabric, breathing in what lingered of Edward in the scented threads.

I wanted to call him, to let his voice comfort me, to listen to him tell me everything would be okay, but how could I believe it when I was locked up in a place a degree better than my old dorm room? The place reminded me of the padded rooms found in psych wards. Now all I had to do was wait for them to tell me to sit in the corner of a circular room.

Not wanting to just sit down (despite the dizzies), I got up and explored around the room. Edward and Carlisle set up my room nicely: luxurious beige comforter with pure cotton sheets, comfortable pillows, a few picture frames on the nightstand, and my little cubabrd of a closet was filled with my clothes. The bathroom was a little small, but more than enough.

The place made me feel humble. Edward had spoiled me with his kindness, love, and his home. I'd grown so used to sharing a big apartment, I'd forgotten what it felt like to be satisfied with the poster-covered walls and a closet roughly the width of my shoulders. But at least Edward made it feel a little more homey, and the walls weren't chipping paint.

A sob built up in my throat. Edward hadn't been gone twenty minutes and I'm already crying. I can't even imagine what it'll feel like come time for bed and he's not there to wrap his arms around me, not there to kiss me goodnight, not there to whisper how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. Or _was_.

Misery returned with a vengeance.


End file.
